For so many years I was trapped in a miserable dating loop, dating one toxic guy after another. Sometimes I thought I was unlucky and other times I thought every man on earth was just a douche. But eventually I realized the real reason I kept attracting toxic guys, and I wasn’t very happy with the reasons.
I was attracted to guys with a dark past. These guys were often aloof and mysterious and had a lot to hide from the world. This lured me in so easily, thinking that I’d be the first person they’d open up to. But those with a dark past usually have a dark outlook in life, as well as dark emotions bottled up inside. I had a dark past myself, so I was also a big ball of negativity and despair. Obviously, this pairing is far from ideal and so the relationships were always painfully miserable.
I liked guys with a lot of emotional baggage from past relationships. I often pursued men who just came out of a relationship or were still recovering from a break up that took place years ago. I liked the challenge and I enjoyed trying to make these men fall in love with me. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I didn’t. When I did succeed, the reward wasn’t at all satisfying. After all, I was now in a relationship with someone who wasn’t able to deal with their emotional baggage in a healthy manner.
I found it kinda sexy when guys were mean to me. I don’t know if this had anything to do with the fact that growing up, adults often told me when a boy was mean to me it meant that he liked me. It also didn’t help that I thought good guys were boring. I found satisfaction in making these rude men go from nasty to nice. But looking back now, they probably just became nice after finding out they could gain something from me, whether it be sexual or otherwise.
I pushed the good guys away. Speaking of good guys, I always avoided talking to or hanging out with good guys. Like I said, I thought they were boring. Plus, I never really trusted them—I felt like they were just pretending to be good, waiting for the perfect time to reveal their evil intentions. Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen so many self-proclaimed “good guys” talk crap about women who friendzoned them. It made me think, “What a loser.”
I was unapologetically a bitch. I was very opinionated in a bad way. I was mean-spirited and said whatever I wanted without thinking about the consequences of my words. I’m pretty sure I hurt a lot of people, including potential dates that probably weren’t among the toxic ones. But the obviously toxic guys didn’t really care that I had a nasty attitude because they were the same way. Maybe they just thought they could handle a bitch since they were an a**hole or maybe they also just liked the challenge of taming me.
I was totally crazy but didn’t realize it. This went beyond being a total bitch—I was crazy and would throw a fit every time I didn’t get what I wanted. I would call people names and deliberately say the most painful things to them just to watch them get hurt. I was overly jealous and a control freak, and gave whoever was my partner at the time grief for things they did which I thought betrayed me, even though that wasn’t truly the case.
I didn’t respect anyone’s opinion. I always wanted to be right and most of the time I believed I was. I fought to be right, and not because I actually had a sensible point. I hated losing arguments. I’d say whatever just to win. I didn’t respect my partners’ opinion at all and even called them stupid for ever thinking the way they did. I was blinded by my narcissism and arrogance. I was truly a despicable person and I honestly didn’t deserve anything.
I dumped people so easily. Since I loved being right and hated being wrong, I ended up dumping guys just so I wouldn’t have to deal with being wrong. But it was all impulsive, so most of the time we ended up getting back together. Like a cycle, it kept happening until the guy could no longer take it. I kept dumping people because I was selfish. Looking back, these guys probably were never toxic in the first place. Maybe it was me who turned them into monsters.
I was passive-aggressive. A lot of the time, instead of expressing what I wanted, I would do very passive-aggressive and petty things that got on my partner’s nerves. They would do something I thought was awful in retaliation and it made me think they were the bad guys even though I started this whole thing myself.
I was the toxic one from the start. Not all of the men I dated were toxic. There were probably even just a few of them, but I was too busy playing victim to see that. Most of the guys I dated were probably good-natured but I abused them so hard they turned into something else. I’m not proud of what I used to be and ever since I realized these things I’ve been working hard to change myself for the better. I’m doing pretty well for now, and actually currently happily engaged to someone whom I also originally thought was toxic.
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