Even though I have three dogs, one in particular is truly my best friend. Over the years, he’s successfully alerted me to fickle friends and dangerous situations. I trust him with everything I have, so if he’s not a fan of you, you’re not going to be in my life for very long.
- My dog has never screwed me over. I mean, to put it simply, my dog is always there for me. I can’t say the same about most people, can you? This dog knows me. He knows my vibes. He tries to roll around in my underwear, for god’s sake — he knows when my body chemistry gets all jacked up, and he probably knows why. If he doesn’t like somebody, I pay attention.
- Animals are excellent judges of character. People who don’t love dogs paint them as these stupid, goofy creatures, but that’s not true. My little guy is just like me: he likes very few people. If I love someone, my dog typically gives them a chance. He deigns to sniff, maybe indulges in a lick or two, and then he makes his decision. If that’s not enough to put him at ease, it makes me wonder why.
- No dog has ever steered me wrong. I had a Pomeranian when I was younger. She was a princess who adored almost everyone. She hated my high school boyfriend no matter how much he tried to charm her. I still regret that I didn’t take her yippy barks and adorable growls seriously, because it would’ve saved me a ton of teenage angst.
- Dogs can smell “ain’t-crappiness” from a mile away. Have you ever noticed that? If somebody ain’t crap, a dog knows. Friends, family members, strangers – my dog can always tell when someone’s garbage. He isn’t vicious toward people who aren’t worth the time of day; he just doesn’t bother with them.
- No one is good enough to make me choose them over my buddy. My dog dislikes people who don’t like him. He can tell. The thing is, if you don’t like my dog, I don’t like you. Maybe that’s not fair, but guess what? Life’s not fair. I’m just saying that if anyone ever tried to make me choose between them and my dog, there’s not really a choice.
- My dog has never lied to me. Okay, sometimes he blames his messes on his fur-brothers, but whatever, I would, too. What I mean is that he’s honest. He feels how he feels. He’s not going to pretend to hate someone just to be a loser – he’s got his motives, and I trust them.
- If my dog doesn’t trust you, I can’t trust you. It’s that simple. I’m skeptical of anyone my dog dislikes. I try to find out why. It sounds crazy, considering a dog’s opinion as I form mine, but it works for me. I need to know why my dog doesn’t like you. Hey, maybe he’s just jealous, and it’s all a misunderstanding. Then again, maybe you’re a douche canoe. I don’t know yet. That’s why I research.
- Animal lovers only, please – no one else need apply. Again, dogs often react to people who don’t like them. If my dog doesn’t like you because you don’t like him, I can’t mess with you. I’m incompatible with people who won’t appreciate my midnight Snaps of cute dog antics. I flat-out refuse to date someone who doesn’t like animals, and nothing’s going to change that.
- My dog is bae, the end. My dog comes before anything else – even my better half sometimes. He’s with me through thick and thin. He listens without judgment, he licks away my tears, and when I’m sad or angry, he always tries to distract me with eight straight hours of playing fetch. That’s unconditional love. As long as I’ve got him, I certainly don’t need someone he doesn’t like or trust. We’ve got balls to throw.