I like going on dates and meeting new guys I might be into, but the idea of letting them spend money on me makes me uncomfortable. The more the bill mounts up to, the more anxious and upset I get and the less I can enjoy the date.
I didn’t have a particularly lavish upbringing. My father was far from wealthy and even on the rare occasions that there was money to spare, he hated spending it. Somehow, I came to regard this as the status quo, so when guys try to shower me with gifts or buy me luxurious treats, it feels strange and I never know how to react.
I’m a very independent person. My ability to provide for myself and meet my needs is an important part of my personality, and I’m afraid to let go of that control and let someone else do it for me. Letting guys spend on me makes me feel like my independence is being compromised. It’s like a slippery slope—if I let him pay for this, what will he want next? For me, it’s just easier to not allow things to get that complicated. It can be very confusing for the guys because buying gifts and paying for stuff are still potent ways of showing affection… just not for me, at least until I get really comfortable with the man in question.
I can’t shake the feeling that somehow I’d be indebted to the guy afterward. Even though a lot of these guys have no ulterior motive and just want to spend money on me because they enjoy doing so, I still feel like I owe them something. This has nothing to do with sexual favors; I would never have sex with anyone if it isn’t what I absolutely want, no matter the amount of money involved. It just makes things feel like a responsibility. Like I might be more polite to them or help them with other stuff just so we can be even.
It’s awkward receiving gifts I can’t afford. Nobody likes to be reminded of their financial situation if it’s not that great. When guys spend a lot of money doing or buying things for me that are too expensive for me to get myself, it makes me feel incredibly self-conscious. Imagine watching someone settle a dinner bill that you know can cover half of your month’s rent. I’m trying to enjoy the company and have fun, not think about the problems in my life.
Let’s face it, guys can be total jerks. The last thing I want is to be at the center of some guy’s money-fueled entitlement. I’m not going to put out because he insisted I order the most expensive item on the menu. Knowing that something might be expected from me in return, either physical or emotional, is a complete no-go.
I just have a hard time accepting things from other people. Until I’ve gotten to know a person pretty well—enough to let my guard down or not over think every single thing—it’s difficult to let them do things for me, and that includes spending money. This isn’t easy to explain to a guy I just met, so things can get quite awkward.
I never know how to react. I admit that sometimes it can be really sweet when guys just want to spoil you silly, but I’m never sure what the appropriate reaction should be. I might act too excited and seem like I’m overstating their place in my life. Or my reaction might come off as nonchalant or unimpressed, making them think I don’t appreciate the gesture.
I don’t have the same problem with the women I date. It still takes me a little while to adjust to the idea, but it feels less strange when it’s a woman spending money on me. This is probably because women are easier to relate to and would be less offended if I reject the offer.
It’s not an excuse for guys to be cheapskates. I may have a hard time letting guys spend money on me, but that’s no excuse for them not to at least offer to cover the bill sometimes. I’m a generous person, and I like to know that the man I’m seeing is the same way too. I love guys who are happy and willing to give even though I’m not ready to accept.
There are plenty of other ways to show affection that don’t involve money. I’m a sucker for presence, not presents. It’s more important to me that the guy I’m seeing is around, that he shows up and listens to what I have to say or just enjoys the silence with me, doing the things that bring me happiness or laughter. None of these things require spending money but they can be quite memorable.
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