Every Time I Feel Myself Falling For A Guy, I Want To Run

Most normal people actually want something to happen when they find themselves liking a guy, but I guess I’m a bit weird. Whenever I find myself catching feelings for someone, my first instinct is to end things before they even start. It’s not exactly helping my love life, but this is why I just can’t stop myself:

  1. A whole bunch of “what ifs” run through my head. The default setting for my train of thought is “worst case scenario”. Rather than thinking about all the amazing things that could happen if I decided to pursue a relationship with this guy, all I’m ever able to think about is all that could go wrong. Maybe he’s a serial killer. Maybe he’s a chronic cheater. Maybe he eats mayonnaise on everything. The possibilities are endless.
  2. I hate feeling vulnerable. I’m used to having a wall up between me and everyone around me, so the idea of tearing it down for someone and giving them the ability to hurt me scares me to no end. I like having control in these situations, and when I feel like my emotions might expose my heart, I feel unsafe.
  3. I’ve been hurt too much in the past. When I was younger and more naive, I had no problem sticking around when my crush actually showed interest in me. Now, though, I’ve been through enough crap to know the pain that can be inflicted when someone you like screws you over. Rather than doing even more damage to my already bruised and beaten heart, my first instinct is to get out of there as fast as possible.
  4. I’m scared of feeling anything. The more I feel for someone, the more it’s going to hurt when things come crashing down. I’m normally so good at keeping my emotions in check to protect myself, but when I really start falling for someone, all that changes. Once I start getting butterflies in my stomach when his name lights up my phone, I know it’s all over.
  5. I want to have control when things inevitably end. Maybe it’s selfish (okay, it’s definitely selfish), but I hate being the one who suffers most when a relationship or flirtationship starts to dissolve. If anyone’s going to be on the receiving end of that kind of hurt, I’m going to take the necessary precautions to make sure it’s not me. If that means ending things before they get the chance to begin, then hey, so be it.
  6. I get awkward when I like someone. I’m a world-class flirt when I have absolutely no interest in dating a guy, but when I actually like someone, that all changes. Suddenly, every weird or uncomfortable thing a person could possibly say manages to make its way out of my mouth, and my laugh gets way too loud. I hate showing that side of me, so I’d rather keep up the appearance of being cool, calm, and collected even if it means pushing back from someone I actually really like.
  7. I’m kind of scared of commitment. The idea of “right now” always sounds great, but once things start moving into actual relationship territory, I start to sweat. You’d think the idea of spending a long time with a person I actually like would be enticing, but for me, it’s nightmare potential. What if I change my mind? What if I waste years of my life on him only for him to turn out to be a manipulative jerk? It’s all so terrifying to me.
  8. I’d rather not deal with the drama. Getting comfortable in a relationship is great, but the process it takes to get there is hell on earth. Even when two people really like each other, you always have to deal with bad communication, ex drama, and having the dreaded Talk about where things are headed. No matter how much I like a guy, the idea of having to go through all that makes me want to jump ship right away instead of dealing with it.
  9. I’m a pessimist. In my mind, a happy ending just isn’t gonna happen. No matter how perfect a guy might seem to me, I always manage to convince myself that whatever might start up between us is just going to end in disaster. It happens no matter how into him I am or how into me he seems to be, and I can’t stop it. So in the end, I always figure that if it’s going to go down in flames anyway, why spend any more time or energy on it now?
  10. I’d rather things end before I get too invested. The longer I spend thinking about someone and what might become of us if I decide to pursue them, the more hope I have that maybe things will actually work out. I grow more and more attached, and then when it falls apart, it hurts so much more than it would’ve if I’d just nipped my feelings in the bud when they first appeared. According to my (probably flawed) logic, the sooner I run, the less painful it’ll be.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.