When my ex asked to meet for coffee a few weeks after we broke up so that I could give him a list of all the things he needed to improve for future relationships, I almost turned him down. The breakup was rough and I wasn’t over it—and who asks their ex for dating advice anyway? However, I finally agreed and I’m glad I did.
- I thought it was totally pathetic at first. There’s nothing more pitiful than a guy who comes groveling after you’ve broken up. When he texted me to ask if we could get together, I braced myself for an unpleasant conversation involving his tears and my irritation, but it turns out he was being pretty practical and level-headed about the whole thing.
- I tried to be honest. When you’ve been with someone for over a year, you owe them some honesty if they ask for it, even if you’re still angry. When he asked where he’d gone wrong and what he could do to improve with his future relationships, I laid it all out there, even the really painful stuff.
- He was actually pretty cool about it. During our relationship, he’d been really resistant to hearing criticism of any kind, even if I thought it was constructive. But something about our breakup must have altered his approach to feedback because he was very understanding and attentive. He didn’t even try to argue when my anger over the breakup got the better of me and my tone became less than civil.
- I asked him for feedback too even though I knew it might hurt. He took my input so well that my anger melted away, and I decided to ask him for some constructive criticism for myself. I expected it to make me feel really vulnerable and upset again, but instead it clarified so many things about why we hadn’t worked out as a couple.
- We ended up having the conversation we should’ve had before. Something about the honesty that we were able to establish in the feedback we’d given each other opened the door to a wide-ranging and meaningful conversation about what we’d hoped for in our relationship and where things had gone wrong. It would’ve been ideal to have had that talk before we’d broken up, but we were both glad to be having it at all.
- It was like a second breakup but in a good way. Our breakup was messy and painful and we both said things we shouldn’t have. We ended up angry, hurt, and unable to let go. But the conversation that we ended up having was the breakup we never had. It was closure, and we both felt it.
- It helped me move on faster. Our conversation allowed me to finally let go of my anger towards him, which had consumed my emotions so completely that I hadn’t been able to move forward with my life. I stopped dwelling on all the things that had gone wrong and how upsetting the whole process had been. I finally felt ready to start over with being single or meeting someone new.
- I’m clearer about what to look for in relationships now. Our openness about how we could have improved allowed me to vocalize and understand exactly what it was that made my ex a bad fit for me, which has really helped me pinpoint the kind of partner I do want. Instead of falling blindly in love now, I search for the qualities my ex lacked that I wished for during our relationship.
- We’re actually friends now. Even after such a difficult and painful breakup, the follow-up conversation we had brought us closer together than we’d ever been during our relationship and showed us that we were actually really well-suited to each other on a platonic level. We’ve been good friends ever since.
- It helped me understand how to navigate relationships better. The biggest lesson in all of it was that we’d spent way too long being unhappy together and that if we’d just been clear with each other early on, we would’ve either changed our behavior towards each other or realized we weren’t a good fit. Because of this, I’m much more up front with the guys I date. I want to be happy, I want them to be happy, and I want to be with someone who is constantly evolving with me and striving to be better. I never want to feel trapped in an unhappy relationship again.
