Sadly, apologies aren’t always sincere. Sometimes that “I’m sorry” you’ve been waiting for someone to give you can come off as rude or dismissive of the situation and even your feelings. It defeats the whole purpose! So, how do you know when someone is genuinely regretting what they did and how it hurt you and when they’re full of crap? Look for the following signs.
1. The apology is preceded by a loud breath or sigh.
You ask someone to apologize and they make a big production of having to say sorry, like taking a deep breath or exhaling loudly. Or, they might show other signs of wanting to be anywhere but in front of you, like rolling their eyes. How can you trust what they’re about to say if they clearly don’t want to say it?
2. It’s like pulling teeth to get them to say it.
You can usually tell when an apology is forced and insincere. It might feel like the person doesn’t actually want to apologize and only does so out of obligation. A classic example is the dismissive “Fine, I’m sorry.” That kind of non-apology is frustrating and completely misses the point.
3. The apology is motivated by someone else.
It doesn’t feel sincere when the person who’s apologizing mentions someone else, such as by saying, “Alison told me I should apologize to you.” This is hurtful because the person didn’t come up with the idea themselves. Did they have to be encouraged to say sorry to you? It seems pretty clear it’s not sincere!!
4. The apology is vague.
Someone who’s not giving you a real apology might try to keep things vague, as though they don’t want to get deep into what they did wrong. They’re deflecting their responsibility, such as by saying, “I’m sorry that happened.” They’re not taking any accountability.
5. They give you unnecessary details.
When someone’s apologizing to you but they give you a ton of details or ramble on about nothing, it feels like they’re trying to distract you from the specific apology. It also feels like they’re trying to explain away the fact that they’re responsible.
6. They say they’ll only apologize if their needs are met.
Instead of telling you that they’re genuinely sorry, the person says that they’ll only apologize if you do something. So, they might say, “I’ll apologize, but only if you promise to drop this subject,” or “I’ll say sorry if you admit what you’ve done.” Nope.
7. They make it seem like it’s your problem.
Someone who’s quick to turn the tables onto you might want to make it seem like you’re the problem or you’re to blame. So, they’ll say, “I’m sorry if you feel I did something bad” or “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.” Whenever you hear “if,” it’s a red flag.
8. They make you feel guilty.
It’s not a genuine apology if the person tries to make it seem like you’re bad or toxic for expecting an apology. So, for instance, if they say something along the lines of, “Don’t you know I’m sorry?” That’s not enough!
9. Their tone is off.
If someone says they’re sorry, it’s not just their words that matter but their tone. If they blurt out, “Sorry!” it doesn’t seem real or serious. It’s like they’re making light of the situation or trying to zip through the discomfort.
10. They’re rude.
It’s unfair for the person to give you an apology if they’re not going to be nice to you. Now they’re just creating other things they’ll have to apologize for! One of the worst situations is when they something like, “I guess I should apologize.” That’s so offensive!
11. They don’t let you speak.
Although you want to listen to their apology, they should also be willing to listen to you! Maybe you still have something to say about what happened, or you want the apology to be a bit more of a conversation. But, they might be hoping you drop it so they don’t have to get real with you.
12. They don’t show you how they’ll improve.
An apology is meaningless if it’s not backed by real actions. The person should tell you how they’re going to change their behavior in the future. If not, their “sorry” is just a word and they’ll probably hurt you in the same way again.
13. They seem annoyed when they apologize.
It’s frustrating when a person who’s supposed to be giving you a heartfelt apology looks angry or frustrated. Even though they’re saying how truly sorry they are, they’re bottling up their feelings that prove they’re not keen to resolve the issue.
14. They apologize and then criticize you.
The person delivering a fake apology might apologize for how they’ve hurt you, but then chase it with a critique of you! It’s a way for them to deflect responsibility. So, they might say something like, “I’m sorry, but you’re way too sensitive about this.” Yikes.
15. They use “but” when apologizing.
Whenever you’re trying to suss out if an apology is real, check for the use of the word “but.” So, the person might say, “I’m sorry BUT you can be rude” or “I’m sorry, BUT you misunderstood what I meant.” This word erases everything that comes after it, making it clear that the person’s not giving you an honest apology. Sorry not sorry.
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