I Just Found Out My Boyfriend’s Ex Was A Man & I Can’t Deal With It

Relationships are all about acceptance and I consider myself to be pretty open-minded. However, when my boyfriend recently told me that his ex was a man, I found myself feeling lost and confused—and I’m not sure how to get over it.

  1. I feel cheated. Granted, my boyfriend and I have never delved too deep into our past relationships, but you’d think being bisexual or fluid is the kind of thing someone might want to mention. I can’t help but feel he lied to me. The image he presented to me was that of a straight male. While he’s still the same guy, there’s this extra layer to him that I feel I should have known from the beginning.
  2. I wonder what else he could be hiding. I thought that the communication in our relationship was solid but apparently not. When my boyfriend first told me that his ex was a man, I asked him why he kept it from me. He said he wasn’t purposely keeping it from me, it’s just that I had never asked. I’m frustrated because I don’t want to be a nagging girlfriend. I want him to be open and honest without prompting from me.
  3. I worry about what people will think when they find out. This is kind of shallow but I can’t help it. People can be pretty judgmental—I know because I’ve had my moments. My boyfriend told me that he kept his same-sex relationship a secret, but that he’s ready to own that part of himself. I don’t want to be the girl people whisper about behind her back, and I hate that by owning his identity, I might have to deal with judgment. I can already hear what the snotty voices might say and it drives me up the wall.
  4. I’m paranoid about his relationships with male friends. I know that my boyfriend has had guy friends all his life and that he isn’t attracted to all men, but he admitted that his ex was a close friend first. A part of me worries that he’ll start by cheating emotionally before leaving me altogether.
  5. I’m starting to question our sex life. Before this revelation, I was secure in our physical relationship, but now I can’t help but dissect certain aspects. Does he think about men while we’re together? Does he do certain things because he can pretend he’s with a guy? Ugh! I hate that my mind is going down this path but I’m starting to see our relationship in a different light, which is what makes his confession so hard to swallow.
  6. I worry that he might ask for something I’m uncomfortable with. My boyfriend and I are pretty open to discussing what it is we like and want in the bedroom. What if he asks for a threesome? Or for us to introduce toys into the bedroom? I love him and I’d like to think I’d give it a go for him, but what if I hate it? I want the best for my boyfriend but I worry that I can’t give him all he wants, especially now that I know that he has this entirely different set of tastes.
  7. I wonder how attracted he is to me. My boyfriend dated women all his life—short stints, he told me—then his longest relationship was with a man. Sex was probably a considerable part of that. Now I’m scared that after a short while with me, I’ll fall into the pile with all the other women he dated. What if a lack of long-lasting physical attraction is a big part of why his relationships ended? That could very well be what he found in a relationship with a man.
  8. I feel that I can’t be completely open with him. When my boyfriend first told me about his ex, he asked if I had any questions. At the time, I was too shocked to ask any, but now I have all these worries and I don’t want to bring them up in case I offend him. Before, everything between us was easy and fun. Now I feel like there’s this huge elephant in the room that only I can see.
  9. I’m starting to question the loyalty of my friends. When I confided in my closest girlfriend about what my boyfriend told me, she told me that she already had an inkling. WTF? Why would my closest friend not tell me something like this? I know that my boyfriend isn’t to blame, but I hate how something he kept secret is getting in the way of my other relationships.
  10. I’m scared he might leave me. I’m the first girl my boyfriend dated after his ex. What if I’m just a rebound after all the difficulty he faced being in a same-sex relationship? I love my boyfriend and want to be with him, I’m just worried that he’s in a phase of figuring out who he is. I don’t want to be a final experiment, nor do I want to be the paranoid girlfriend that let a good guy go because he had one relationship with a guy.
Hannah is a twenty-something-year-old freelance writer, obsessed with reality TV, and all things sweet.