Guys, These Are Not Acceptable Ways Of Flirting

I don’t know if there ever existed an era that could be considered “the good ol’ days” of flirting, but we certainly aren’t living in it. While there are some guys that actually know how to act around a woman they’re pursuing, there are way too many who have no idea what they’re doing and end up creating some seriously unpleasant situations. Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s had it up to here with being hit on like this:

Catcalling “I really want to give oral to the guy who just hollered at me while I walked to work,” said no woman ever. Catcalling might normally just be a display of “manliness” or dominance rather than an actual way to pick up women, but you bet there are guys out there who actually expect women to be flattered by their crappy excuses for compliments. I don’t personally know any women who enjoy being whistled at like a dog, but the men who do it sure seem to think they exist.

Leaving weird comments on Instagram posts Some dudes treat girls’ Instagram photos as a game of I-Spy, but instead of finding hidden objects in the picture, they find excuses to leave creepy comments. Post a picture of your cat sleeping on you, receive a comment from a guy who “would do anything to be that cat right now.” Get it? Because the cat is lying on top of you and he wishes that he could… yeah. I don’t know what kind of reaction these guys think they’re going to get from posting these, but it’s rarely what they’re hoping for.

Telling women to smile Having a bad day? Deep in thought? Showing off your Resting Bitch Face? For some guys, that just won’t do. They feel the need to tell you to “Smile, baby,” because you “look prettier when you’re happy” or some dumb BS like that. I’m sure there’s a small people who are only trying to be friendly when they tell strangers to smile, but the vast majority of guys who tell women what to do with their faces seem to think that this is a good way to get a woman to like you. Newsflash: it’s not. Let us be our grumpy selves in peace.

Being overly touchy Touching the person you like can be a good way to flirt with them, but only if it’s done in moderation — think playfully squeezing their knee or hand. Some guys take this to an extreme, though. They think it’s endearing to clasp a stranger’s hand in theirs while making casual conversation on the bus or run their hand up a woman’s thigh during a first date. I don’t know what sex these dudes have been watching recently, but this stuff does NOT work in real life.

Sending sexual text messages As awesome as online dating can be, it’s also made it much easier for guys to go crazy when laying on the creepiness in a casual conversation. How many women have opened their message folder to a guy saying how much he wants to screw them, as if this was ever an acceptable way to speak to a complete stranger? The dudes who do this are unbelievably out of touch with reality, and it makes me wonder how many of them have ever actually spoken to a woman in real life.

Getting a woman’s number from someone else I thought this stuff stopped in middle school, but nope, there are grown men who still think it’s a good idea to ask a woman’s friends for her phone number instead of going directly to her. It’s even worse when they go about it in shadier ways, like texting himself from her phone when she leaves it unattended for a minute. I get that it can be intimidating to approach a person you’re attracted to, but if you ever want to participate in an adult relationship with me, you’re going to have to act like an adult.

Negging Thank God this “technique” is usually restricted to clueless dudes who rely on pick-up artist podcasts to learn how to attract women, but the fact that it’s even a thing is just baffling. The idea behind it is that a guy gives you a backhanded compliment (“Not many women your size could pull off that outfit, but it looks sexy on you!”), your confidence is lowered, you become vulnerable and seek his approval, and then you have sex with the guy who essentially insulted you to your face. Logic! Needless to say, this is one of the most idiotic strategies ever invented to attract women, but there are a disturbing number of guys out there who still attempt it on real-live people.

Sending penis pictures Repeat after me: Women do not want to see your penis. You might think we do because of your desire to receive tit pics from every woman in your contact list, but you are wrong. I have encountered exactly zero women in my lifetime who actually enjoy seeing low-res photos of penises, but just about every woman I know has been on the receiving end of a penis picture at least once. It’s not sexy, it’s not cute, and we want no part of it.

“Complimenting” a woman’s boobs or butt I’m not sure what compels a man to tell a woman he’s never met that she has a “great rack” and then insist that it was a compliment, but every time it happens, I can immediately confirm that they have no idea what a compliment really is. See, a compliment is supposed to make the recipient feel good, but all this does is make me feel like I need a shower. Look, guys — we know you like our boobs. We know you admire our derrieres. Get a little more creative and a lot less creepy if your intention is actually to compliment us.

Vaguebooking Another middle school trend that seems to have bled over into some guys’ adult lives, vaguebooking is the art of posting a Facebook status about ~a certain someone~ without actually naming them. They’re usually just passive-aggressive, but occasionally, you’ll see That Guy on your feed waxing romantic for a mystery girl for all of his online friends to see. “Hopefully one day you’ll realize the guy you’ve been waiting your whole life for has been standing right in front of you this whole time. You know who you are. ;)” he’ll write, not knowing that the girl in question has literally no idea he’s referring to her.

Sending a bunch of unanswered messages It may be more polite and direct to tell a guy you’re just not interested in talking to him, but at the same time, not responding is also a clear response. Some men really don’t take the hint, though. They’ll fill up a woman’s inbox with incessant his, heys, and hellos without ever considering that maybe she isn’t interested if she hasn’t responded after the first fifty-four messages. Not only is this a terrible way to get a woman’s attention, but it’s also just plain obnoxious. Basic social skills would mandate cutting it out after the first two or so messages, but some dudes just don’t believe in quitting when it comes to pursuing the woman of their dreams.

Professing undying love to a woman they just met Romance isn’t dead, but my attraction to you will be if you tell me that you think I’m your soulmate after just one date. If you want, blame it on Disney movies in which the princesses marry the princes after a day of knowing each other, but some guys think that coming on super strong is a fail-proof way to capture a woman’s heart. Maybe it’ll work on a girl who is truly desperate to find love, but most women will run for the hills the second a guy starts pulling this stuff.

Playing hard-to-get Some people are just crappy texters, but there’s a big difference between a guy who is bad about replying to messages and a guy who deliberately makes you wait a few days for a reply just to mess with your head. He might think he’s coming across as simply not being desperate, but the message he’s really sending out is that you’re not worth his time. Most women are, unfortunately, far too experienced with this kind of game to fall prey to it, and by the time this dude actually decides to reply to us, we’ll have already moved on.

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