You thought the sibling rivalry you were feeling when you were a kid would magically disappear when you and your brother or sister hit adulthood, but you’re still wrapped up in the same issues as you were when you were younger. You don’t have to keep following the same rules, though. Here are 15 ways to deal with a sibling you have a less than peaceful relationship with.
1. Try not to take it personally.
When you were a kid, your sibling’s behavior might’ve made you feel horrible or lack self-confidence. But now, as an adult, you have your own life going so you don’t have to take it so personally. Try to get some emotional distance from it and realize that they could have issues that have nothing to do with you.
2. Reach out to your friends.
Unlike when you were a kid, you don’t have to feel like you can’t talk to anyone about the fact that you and your sibling are at odds. Reach out to your friends — not mutual friends you share with your sibling, but your own friends. It can help you get some outsider perspective on your family dynamics.
3. Focus on your achievements and success.
A common symptom of sibling rivalry is competing with each other. You might feel like they’re always trying to one-up you and show you how they’re so much better than you. Take a step back and focus on your achievements. They matter, even if your sibling isn’t seeing them. That’s their issue.
4. Distract yourself.
After seeing your sibling, you might feel drained, angry, or hurt. Don’t let the feelings hang around because you don’t need them. After processing them, distract yourself with a healthy, fun activity. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself and your life — that will make it much easier to let their comments roll off your back.
5. Grab some distance.
It’s amazing how much having physical distance from your sibling can really help you to feel better. Embrace living further away from them or not living with them anymore, if possible. If you are still living with them and don’t have the option to change that just yet, try to plan to move out and build your own life.
6. Try to see their good traits.
It’s easy to get caught up in thinking of how much your sibling annoys you. However, avoid focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship, as this can become toxic. Think about what’s great about your sibling and why you love them. Surely not all of your memories with them are negative, right?
7. Tell them what you need.
You and your sibling are older now, and you’ve both changed since you were kids. You can’t expect that they’re thinking in the same ways they used to or that they know what you need from the relationship. It’s worth chatting with them and talking about what you both need to strengthen your bond and smooth out any leftover tension.
8. Match their effort.
If you’re not sure how to deal with your sibling, a smart move is to match their effort. If they don’t want to make an effort to talk about your issues, stop trying so hard to fix things. It can cause you extra stress you don’t need. It can’t be all one-sided — they have to be willing to meet you halfway.
9. Stay calm and rise above the situation.
Your sibling might want to make you lose your cool or get upset by their competitive comments or insults. This is toxic and you don’t have to give them your power. Stay calm and try to focus on something else in your life that makes you feel good so you don’t get caught up in the negativity.
10. Limit how much time you spend with them.
It can be helpful to reduce how much time you spend with your sibling, especially if you’re going through a rough patch. This can help you to see the situation with a better perspective and it prevents you from getting more worked up than you already are. Sometimes the best way forward is to remove yourself from toxic situations
11. Realize your relationships with your parents are different.
If a source of your sibling rivalry is your respective relationships with your parents, such as that you’re envious of the relationship your brother has with them, it’s worth realizing that these relationships are going to be different. Instead of feeling envious, focus on strengthening your relationship with your parents.
12. Work through your issues.
If you and your sibling want to work through your issues so you can connect in a healthier way, sit down together and talk about them. Give each other a chance to express how you feel and what you need. You might need a few sessions to work through everything, but it’s worth it!
13. Try to flip the script.
It’s easy to fall into the same routines with your sibling. Maybe you always fight about the same issues or you feel envious of each other’s accomplishments. Do something different! Change how you respond to the situation by choosing to stay calm instead of losing your temper, and see how it can make things more positive.
14. Set a good example for your kids.
If you have children, this should motivate you to have a healthier relationship with your sibling so that you set a good example for them. You don’t want them to see you fighting or shouting at your brother or sister. Plus, you don’t want your issues to cause them to miss out on having a great relationship with their aunt or uncle.
15. Be compassionate to yourself.
You might feel like you’re to blame for many problems in the relationship with your sibling. Although it’s good to take stock and avoid blaming the other person for everything, it’s not good to blame yourself so much that you become negative. Show yourself self-compassion. You’re doing the best you can.
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