24 Ways To Trigger A Guy’s ‘Hero Instinct’ And Get Him To Commit To You

All men have the hero instinct even if they don’t realize it.  They’re biologically wired to want to be providers. They want to feel needed and important, especially to those they care about most. While it’s great to be an independent woman who’s entirely self-sufficient and thrives on doing things solo, that doesn’t jive well with a lot of guys because it leaves them feeling unwanted and unneeded (even if that’s not really the case. As a result, they may feel more hesitant to commit because they don’t believe it’ll last and that you won’t be in it 100%.

To get around this, there’s one simple solution: Learn how to trigger his hero instinct. In just a few simple ways, you can ensure that he feels confident in your connection and that his biological needs are being met. Read on to find out what you need to do.

What is the hero instinct, anyway?

The term “hero instinct” was coined by a relationship expert called James Bauer in his book “His Secret Obsession.” He describes the instinct as the “biggest secret to becoming a man’s deepest passion and priority in life” and believes that men have an inherent need (not just a desire!) to feel needed, respected, and basically worshipped by their female partners.

Having those needs fulfilled allows men to meet another need, which is to live a life of purpose and achievement. And that’s where you come in — if you can trigger his hero instinct, you’ll meet his basest needs and in turn, he’ll want to commit to you.

So, how do you make that happen?

How to trigger a man’s hero instinct

1. Ask for his help. Think about it – from childhood, boys are taught to admire superheroes. Action figures, movies, merchandise – they learn to see superheroes as role models. They want to be able to swoop in and save the day. In order to feel like he’s essential in your life, he needs to be needed when you ask for help. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a man light up and offer his hand when I’ve said something like, “I don’t know how to mount this TV,” or, “I think something’s wrong with my car.” If you ask your guy directly, he’ll feel like it’s his time to shine. They can be big or small things. He’ll feel like he’s saving the day either way.
2. Show that you appreciate his efforts. Gratitude is key when it comes to keeping your guy’s hero instinct at the forefront. Tell him frequently how much you appreciate all that he does. Be his own personal cheerleader. The more you appreciate him, the more he’ll appreciate you.
3. Don’t nag. People respond better to praise than they do criticism. If you nag him too much, he’ll feel like he’s falling short and his hero instinct will shut down. Even if you feel like getting on him about something is a good way to get him to perform at his best, it’s actually counter-productive. Make sure you praise him for what he’s doing well rather than find fault with what he could do better. There’s nothing wrong with a little constructive criticism when warranted, but try to keep the nagging at a minimum.
4. Hype him up around his friends. Men want to be respected not only by their partners but by their friends and others around them as well. Men require validation just as much as women do. Make sure you treat him with respect around his friends and make him feel good about himself around other people. He’ll absolutely gleam if you brag on him in public.
5. Challenge him. Every hero loves a challenge. Your guy will love a chance to prove himself, so make sure you give him those chances. You don’t want to be doting on his every move if he’s doing nothing but being a bum. Challenge him to rise to the occasion. Make him work. Make those cogs in his brain turn. His hero instinct will be triggered and he’ll be much more satisfied with the end result.
6. Support his passions and interests. One thing that keeps any human striving to do the best they can at something is copious backing and support from their loved ones. Make sure you’re supporting his dreams and showing genuine interest in the things that he loves. What person doesn’t want their partner to get behind their passions and hobbies? Even if it’s not your cup of tea, let him know you think it’s cool he’s into it (and good at it). He’ll feel that being with you allows him to live his best life.
7. Don’t be afraid to vent to him. Though guys can sometimes get uneasy around high emotions, he wants to feel like he can be there for you and that you seek him out to do so. Don’t be afraid to vent about your day or ask for his advice. He’ll be able to feel like he’s strong enough for you to rely on him, no matter what.
8. Let him earn your respect. One annoying male trait is that they lose interest if they get what they want without trying. Don’t just give him your applause on a silver platter. Make him earn it. Let him fight for you, and keep fighting for you. Give him the opportunity to live up to your standards. That way, he’ll really be able to revel in it.
9. Make him feel like he’s the best at what he does. Even if your guy knows he’s good at something, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s replaceable. Remind him that he’s one of a kind and that nobody could do what he does. Make him feel like he’s the best – at his job, as a boyfriend, in bed, at sports – at whatever is important to him (and you). When he feels truly indispensable, his hero instinct will take over.
10. Don’t lose your independence. While you want him to feel like your hero, there is no need to act like a damsel in distress all the time. Don’t lose your independence and become overly reliant on your partner. You could even risk becoming burdensome. Nevertheless, you can’t trigger his hero instinct if he gets the impression that you don’t need him for anything. While I know you’re perfectly capable of being your own hero, he’ll feel better and act better if you give him his moment of glory every now and again. It’s important to find a healthy balance.
11. Encourage his ambitions. This is a great way to trigger a man’s hero instincts. Show genuine interest in his goals and passions. Support and encourage him to pursue what he loves. This makes him feel like you’re confident in his abilities and that he has his own personal cheerleader waiting on the sidelines for him. Who wouldn’t like that?
12. Trust his judgment. Let him know that you value his opinions and trust his decisions. While you should never go along with things that make you seriously uncomfortable or put you in danger, make sure he knows that you find him to be competent and capable and that you’re okay with him leading the way sometimes (or even a lot of the time). This will reinforce the idea of him being the pack leader in his head, which he’ll love.
13. Seek out his protection. It doesn’t mean putting yourself in dangerous situations. It could be as simple as asking him to accompany you during a night walk. A great way to trigger a guy’s hero instinct is by sometimes kinda leaning into the whole damsel in distress thing. Sure, you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, but it’s nice to let him take the lead sometimes, especially when it will make him feel so good.
14. Admire all the stuff he’s great at. Recognize and compliment his skills, whether it’s his expertise in a specific field or a hobby he’s passionate about. Tell him how intelligent he is or how impressed you are by certain achievements he’s made. Acknowledge how hard he’s worked to get where he is — this is a great ego stroke!
15. Share your problems with him and seek his advice. Discuss problems or challenges you’re facing, allowing him to offer solutions or advice. This is an easy way to ignite a man’s hero instinct as it not only shows that you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with him but that you trust him to be able to solve a problem that you’re struggling to overcome. And hey, this isn’t just lip service — he might actually have some great suggestions you’ve never thought to try!
16. Encourage him to teach you things. Ask him to teach you something he’s good at. It could be anything from a sport to a skill he possesses. Maybe he’s really great at doing car maintenance and you always wanted to know how to change a tire or put on new windshield wipers. Ask him to show you and be a dedicated pupil. Pay close attention and ask questions so he has a chance to show off the depth of his knowledge.
17. Express confidence in his abilities. Make it known that you believe in his potential and his know-how, whether it’s tackling a challenging task or making an essential decision. This is part and parcel of being his biggest cheerleader, but it’s worth mentioning as its own unique action. Just because he wants to feel like a hero doesn’t mean there won’t be times when he’s uncertain about himself. Give him that vote of confidence to keep going.
18. Value his guidance. When he provides guidance or advice, listen to him, and show that you value his perspective. Even if you eventually decide against following his suggestions, showing that you’re seriously considering them and that they’re really important parts of your decision-making process will make him feel needed and appreciated in your life.
19. Celebrate his achievements. When he accomplishes something, celebrate with him and let him know how proud you are. It doesn’t even have to be something major — cheering him on for even the smallest achievement is a great way to boost his confidence and show how proud you are of him and everything he’s doing. Don’t be surprised if you see his chest puff up when you praise him this way — he’ll love it!
20. Give him space sometimes. Every hero needs some downtime. Understand and respect when he needs space or time to recharge, process, or focus on personal endeavors. After all, even Tarzan needs a nap sometimes. Support his need to relax and unwind sometimes and be there to enjoy those quiet days with him.
21. Compliment his masculinity. Dudes love feeling hypermasculine, and pointing out how manly they are is a great way to trigger a guy’s hero instinct. Whether he’s super buff and spends loads of time at the gym or just has a very macho aura about him that you find really attractive, make sure you point this out and let him know how hot it is. He’ll love hearing it.
22. Suggest adventurous activities to do together. A lot of guys are super adventurous and love doing things that get them out in the great outdoors and get their blood pumping. If you’re also a bit of a thrill seeker, this is a great way to bond with him and make him feel like a real-life Gladiator!
23. Laugh at his jokes. This is a simple one but it’s a biggie. Sure, you shouldn’t do that fake laugh that’s so over-the-top that it comes off as sarcastic and completely false, but you should make him feel funny and charming. Knowing that he can put a smile on your face or have you laughing until you pee your pants will make him feel like a million bucks.
24. Make sure he knows how happy he makes you. This is a biggie. A huge part of the hero instinct is down to making guys feel needed and like they have a purpose. Letting him know what a positive impact he has on your life and how much you love being with him will ensure he keeps on doing the right things — and that he wants to commit to you long-term.

Why does the hero instinct work?

The concept of the “hero instinct” draws its foundation from both evolutionary and societal backgrounds. Back in the caveman days, men often found themselves in roles as primary hunters, protectors, and providers for their families. These roles required courage, strength, and resilience. Over time, these traits became deeply embedded in the male identity. A lot of people still believe that this profoundly influences the male psyche even today, creating a lingering desire in men to be seen as protectors and providers, and consequently, to feel needed and valued in these capacities. If you’re a straight woman who dates men, you’ve no doubt witnessed this first-hand.

There’s also the fact that societal and cultural norms have reinforced these roles. For decades, books, movies and TV shows, and pop culture in general have celebrated the archetype of the male hero – someone who rises against challenges, defends the weak, and ensures the safety and well-being of his loved ones. These stories undoubtedly influence individual identities and aspirations. Men, having grown up with these stories, often internalize the message that their worth is intertwined with their ability to be a ‘hero’ in someone’s life.

That being said, you have to approach the hero instinct with nuance. While many men might resonate with the desire to protect and provide, every guy is unique. Emotional needs, personal histories, and cultural backgrounds play a significant role in shaping one’s identity. As society progresses and traditional gender roles evolve, the way the hero instinct manifests in men might change. In the meantime, learning how to trigger his is a handy trick to have.