If your family is self-absorbed and manipulative, you might struggle to maintain your sanity. The first step in keeping your head clear? Accepting that your interactions are going to be strained. That said, there are other ways to avoid the drama—here are 15 ways to survive your narcissistic family members.
1. Set boundaries and stick to them.
One of the best ways to deal with narcissistic loved ones is to be clear about your boundaries and never budge when enforcing them. Narcissists view boundaries as kryptonite and they’ll work hard to try to tear yours down so they get what they want. You’ve got to stick to them no matter what—that’s the only way you can avoid being taken advantage of.
2. Choose facts over feelings.
Narcissists love creating drama in their relationships. To avoid getting sucked in, focus on the facts of a situation instead of your feelings. This will enable you to keep a clear head. For example, when you’re confronting them, instead of telling them that you’re sick of them being so critical, be very specific about what they’ve done to upset you. Let them know you won’t tolerate it. By staying cool and calm, you’ll avoid giving them your power.
3. Deal with your feelings of guilt. tk
You’re probably used to your family members trying to guilt-trip you and get your sympathy so they can control you. Work on your guilt so you can become stronger—when you notice the negative self-talk rearing its head, turn to a hobby. When you feel like you’re disappointing them, remind yourself that this is just a ploy to pull you in—they’re the ones with the problem, not you!
4. Focus on your life.
It’s common for some narcissists to be co-dependent, but don’t get so wrapped up in what your family’s doing that you forget to live your life. Focus on your hobbies, interests, and goals so you boost your self-esteem and avoid letting them become the center of your universe. Of course, they’ll try to be the focus so they can get attention and validation, but don’t fall for it.
5. Seek a support system outside of your family.
You know what they say: sometimes your friends are the family that really matters. Dealing with a narcissistic family can be isolating, so it’s good for your mental and emotional health to find people outside of your family who you can rely on and who love you without any conditions. They’ll keep you on track with positivity and give you the support you need that your family might not be able to give you.
6. Restrict contact during stressful times.
When it all starts feeling a little too taxing on your mood and energy reserves, it’s a good move to take some space away from your family. This could mean you don’t attend their Thursday family dinners for a while or that you miss Christmas lunch. Although you’ve been catering to their needs for years, it’s time to do what you need to be healthy.
7. Do things that bring you joy.
If you can’t totally avoid your family, like if you live with them, concentrate on things that help you de-stress, center yourself, and feel good about life. Whether it’s running, meditating, drawing, or something else, make these activities the focus of your attention. They will keep you positive and help you deal when you’re forced to be around your family.
8. Spot their gaslighting techniques
You might not realize that when your narcissistic family members try to make you question your sanity, they’re just gaslighting you. Examples of gaslighting phrases include, “That didn’t happen!” or “I never said that—you’re remembering it wrong.” By being aware of these strategies and this language, you’ll avoid getting caught up in what they’re trying to make you believe and instead stay calm and centered on your reality.
9. Avoid “I” statements during conflict.
When you butt heads with a narcissistic family member, you might use the communication tip of using “I feel” statements to get your point across. Sadly, this won’t have any effect on narcissists because they lack empathy. It’s better to use cause-and-effect tactics. So, instead of saying, “I feel hurt when you keep interrupting me”, you could say, “If you interrupt me again, I’m going to leave.”
10. Avoid direct confrontation.
If you feel the need to call out a narcissistic family member for their bad behavior, be careful. They can fly into a narcissistic rage or become defensive when they feel attacked. Instead of being direct or harsh, give them feedback that’s peppered with some praise. Even if you don’t feel like laying on the flattery right now, it will ensure you avoid the drama they love to create.
11. See a therapist.
For times when your family drives you crazy, like when they stonewall or manipulate you, it can feel like too much to bear. Hey, you’re human. Get some perspective and learn healthy coping tools by consulting with a licensed therapist who has experience dealing with narcissistic families. This will help you stay informed about narcissism and how you can protect yourself.
12. Understand that they won’t change.
Although dealing with a narcissistic family can be traumatic at times, when you accept that they’re never going to change can bring you peace. You’ll stop hitting your head against a brick wall, desperately trying to make them see their flaws or self-reflect on their behavior. The truth is, it’s not going to happen, so why waste your energy and sanity on the idea?
13. Bring out the self-care kit.
It might sound trite, but self-care is a must if you’re dealing with hurtful and manipulative family members. Instead of trying to validate them so they feel good about themselves, you should focus on loving yourself. An important part of this self-care routine is remembering that you’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own. You can make yourself feel happy by simply showing yourself compassion and love.
14. Try to find some positive common ground.
Maybe you and your family have some things in common that make you all feel good and happy to be around each other. Try to focus on these activities and experiences so that not all of your interactions are negative or stressful. In some cases, this could mean increasing the time you spend with some family members and decreasing the time with the really toxic ones who bring you down.
15. Consider cutting ties as a last resort.
If your narcissistic family is wrecking your self-esteem and destroying your life, you might feel like it’s not worth it anymore. If making a clean break feels overwhelming right now, set some boundaries that enable you to take more time away from them. When you see how much better you feel and how you thrive without them, it’ll make cutting ties for good so much easier.
