Narcissists love to manipulate and control their victims, and as long as they’re successful at it, they’re typically a little less miserable and more likely to act “normally” (though that doesn’t mean much). However, when the person on the receiving end of their toxic behavior figures it out and starts pushing back, all bets are off and that’s when things start to come to a head and these things happen.
1. Their frustration boils over.
When a narcissist realizes that you’re onto them and that they can’t manipulate you like they usually do, their behavior completely changes. They may raise their voice, become visibly agitated, or resort to more obvious passive-aggressive behaviors. This anger and frustration stems from their belief that you have no right to think for yourself, independently of them. Thwarting their plans, according to their screwed-up minds, is an attack on them. Most narcissists react this way anytime they’re forced to admit defeat since their fragile egos don’t take the hit well.
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2. They make everything your fault.
Narcissists are extremely skilled when it comes to avoiding taking responsibility for their actions, PsychCentral notes. If they can’t control you, cue classic defense mechanism number one: blame shifting. Accusing you or someone else of causing their problem(s) suggests they’re the innocent victim instead of making you appear like the target of their manipulative behavior. It’s so messed up.
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3. The gaslighting kicks into high gear.
Here’s one of the worst narcissistic behaviors: gaslighting. They twist reality to make you feel like you can’t believe your own senses. You become more of a threat when they can’t control you, though, so they may amp up their gaslighting to try and regain their power over you. That means they might contradict themselves or lie to you and insist it’s the truth. They may even tell you that your memories are all wrong.
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4. They give the silent treatment.
When a narcissist can’t control your feelings or behavior, they might resort to the silent treatment. This passive-aggressive tactic involves ignoring you or withdrawing communication. By doing this, they hope to provoke a reaction from you – an emotional response that they can interpret as you begging for their attention. It’s a way for them to regain a sense of dominance.
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5. They pull other people into the drama.
Narcissists often play the puppeteer, orchestrating situations to their advantage. When they can’t control you directly, they might attempt to manipulate your social circle. They’ll try to turn friends, family, or colleagues against you, painting you as the problem or portraying themselves as the victim. This tactic serves to isolate you and regain influence over your life.
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6. They Use Love-Bombing as a Last-Ditch Effort.
When a narcissist realizes the jig is up, they might resort to a tactic known as love-bombing. This sudden display of affection and admiration is designed to overwhelm you. They may shower you with compliments, gifts, and affectionate gestures to regain your favor. It’s a desperate attempt to rekindle their control over your emotions.
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7. They play the victim.
Narcissists have a knack for playing the victim when they can’t control you the way they want, per Well+Good. They might portray themselves as the wounded party, emphasizing how your actions have hurt them. By gaining sympathy and support from other people, they hope to regain influence over you. It’s a manipulative strategy to guilt-trip you into following their orders.
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8. They resort to hoovering.
Hoovering is a term used to describe the narcissist’s attempt to suck you back into their control after a period of distancing. When they realize they can’t control you from a distance, they may use tactics like reaching out with nostalgia, making promises of change, or even resorting to threats. Once you fall for it, they’re back in charge.
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9. They talk crap about you to try and ruin your reputation.
When a narcissist can’t control you directly, they might try to damage your reputation. They’ll launch a smear campaign and spread false information and rumors about you to totally trash your image. This is a calculated effort to discredit you and weaken your social support network, which they hope will make you more vulnerable to their influence.
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10. They Escalate Their Tactics.
In some cases, when a narcissist realizes they can’t regain control through their usual manipulative tactics, they may escalate their efforts. This could involve stalking you online, engaging in harassment, or even taking legal action against you. Their desperation to regain control can lead to increasingly aggressive and harmful behavior.
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11. They Pretend to Be Supportive.
When a narcissist can’t control you, they might suddenly switch to being super supportive and caring. They’ll offer their help, seem to be understanding, and even pretend that they agree with your choices and feelings. However, beneath this veneer lies a hidden agenda. They’re not genuinely supportive — they’re using this as a means to manipulate you and get you back where they want you.
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12. They Start Mimicking Empathy.
Empathy definitely isn’t a strong suit for narcissists, but when their control is slipping, they might mimic empathetic behavior. They’ll use phrases and expressions that suggest they understand your feelings and experiences. However, this is anything but authentic. It’s a calculated move to gain your trust and make you do what they want.
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13. They Create Drama for Attention.
Narcissists thrive on attention and when they can’t control you, they may resort to creating unnecessary drama. They’ll manufacture crises or conflicts in their own life to divert your attention away from your own life and back onto them. This drama serves as a distraction that sometimes allows them to regain your focus and emotional energy.
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14. The Manipulative Behavior Intensifies.
In the face of losing control, some narcissists may become more aggressive in their attempts to manipulate you. They’ll persistently push their agenda, invade your personal boundaries, and engage in coercive methods to bend you to their will. It’s actually pretty scary!
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15. They Start Guilt-Tripping.
Emotional guilt-tripping is another tool in the narcissist’s kit when they can’t control you. They’ll play on your sense of responsibility and guilt, using statements like, “I’ve sacrificed so much for you,” to make you comply with their wishes. This emotional pressure is aimed at manipulating your actions by making you feel indebted to them.
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16. They Give Ultimatums.
As a last resort, some narcissists may resort to issuing ultimatums when they can’t control you through subtler means. They’ll present you with a stark “either-or” choice, often accompanied by a deadline or negative consequences that you’d much rather avoid. These ultimatums are an attempt to pressure you into making a decision that aligns with what they want.
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17. They try to isolate you from everyone who cares about you.
When a narcissist realizes they can’t control you, they may intensify their efforts to isolate you from friends, family, or support networks. They’ll do whatever they can to make it happen, including spreading rumors, putting a wedge in your relationships, or manipulating situations to limit your connections with other people.
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18. They Start Using Emotional Blackmail.
In moments of desperation, narcissists may resort to emotional blackmail. They’ll threaten to reveal sensitive information, secrets, or past mistakes about you, knowing that exposure could have consequences for your personal or professional life. This form of manipulation is designed to manipulate you into doing what they want, especially since the fear of exposure is such a powerful motivator for so man people.
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