When men cheat, it often feels like the most personal kind of betrayal—because it is. But what no one tells you is that infidelity usually starts long before the clothes come off. It begins in the invisible cracks: emotional immaturity, ego wounds, unspoken resentment, a need for validation disguised as spontaneity. While the reasons men cheat aren’t always simple, the impact on you is always seismic, as one woman who learned the hard way.
1. How I Found Out I Was the Side Girl—And What It Taught Me About Liars
Part of the “As Told to Bolde” Series. Have a story to share? Contact [email protected]
Meet Jessica, 36. She shares how she was blindsided to discover she was the “other” woman in her relationship.
“I never thought I’d be the other woman, let alone without realizing it. I’d been dating my partner for 1.5 years. He was charming and attentive, and we spent hours on the phone talking about our plans for the future. We’d met at a conference in my hometown of Miami; he was based in New York. We fell for each other hard, and he’d fly to Miami every other weekend to spend time with me.
He was in the process of relocating permanently, or so he had me believe, when I received a text message: ‘Hello, this is Ryan’s wife, nice to meet you.’ My first almost stopped. At first, I justified it as a prank or some big misunderstanding. But deep down, the signs were there. The late responses, the fact he wasn’t on social media, and why he never invited me to NYC or wanted to introduce me to his friends and family. I blamed myself for being so gullible. If I have any advice, it’s that if something feels off, listen to it.”—Jessica Monroe, Miami.
Continue reading about the red flags of infidelity and how to protect yourself >>
2. They Cheat Because They Can, Not Because They’re Unhappy
The most common excuse for cheating is dissatisfaction in the relationship, but the truth is, most cheating men aren’t miserable in their marriages or relationships. They’re not lacking love, support, or even physical intimacy. They cheat because they like the excitement, the attention, and the power trip of having a secret. According to Psychology Today, many people cheat not because they’re unhappy, but because they seek novelty, excitement, or a boost to their self-esteem.
Men who cheat often aren’t looking for a new relationship—they’re looking for a distraction. They don’t leave their wives or girlfriends because they don’t actually want to. They just want the thrill of having their cake and eating it too, fully expecting that they’ll never have to deal with the consequences.
3. They’ll Swear It ‘Just Happened’—Like They Tripped and Fell Into Infidelity
One of the biggest lies a cheating man will tell is that the affair “just happened.” As if cheating is some freak accident, rather than a series of calculated choices. They’ll claim they got caught up in the moment, that emotions took over, that they didn’t mean for it to escalate. According to Verywell Mind, the claim that infidelity “just happened” is a common myth, as cheating typically involves a series of deliberate choices and actions.
But the truth is, cheating requires effort. It involves secret phone calls, planned meetings, deleting messages, and creating alibis. There are dozens of opportunities to stop before things go too far, yet they don’t. When they say it “just happened,” what they really mean is, “I didn’t care enough to stop myself.”
4. They Don’t Feel Guilty About Cheating, Just About Getting Exposed
Cheaters rarely lose sleep over their actions—until they’re caught. The guilt they show is rarely about the betrayal itself; it’s about the fallout. They’re not remorseful about breaking their partner’s trust, they’re devastated about the embarrassment, the loss of control, and the potential consequences. According to Psych Central, many cheaters don’t feel genuine remorse for their actions, but rather regret getting caught and facing the consequences.
If they truly felt guilty, they wouldn’t have continued lying and sneaking around. The guilt only kicks in when they realize they’ve lost the upper hand. And even then, it’s not about how much pain they’ve caused—it’s about how their life is now significantly less convenient.
5. They’ll Blame You for ‘Neglecting’ Them, Even If You’ve Bent Over Backwards
When caught, a cheater will often spin the blame onto their partner. They’ll claim they were lonely, unappreciated, or starved for attention. They’ll act as if cheating was the only logical response to not getting exactly what they wanted at all times. According to The Gottman Institute, while cheaters often blame their partners for neglect, infidelity is ultimately a choice made by the unfaithful partner, regardless of relationship satisfaction.
But in reality, plenty of men cheat despite being in loving, supportive relationships. It’s not about what they were missing; it’s about what they wanted more of. Instead of admitting they made a selfish choice, they’ll rewrite history to make themselves the victim.
6. They’re Not ‘Bad At Lying’—They Just Get Lazy When They Think You’ll Never Leave
Cheaters aren’t clumsy with their deceit; they get comfortable. They stop covering their tracks because they assume they don’t have to. They start slipping up because they think their partner either won’t notice or won’t leave even if they do.
They’re not bad liars—they’re just overconfident ones. They assume their charm, history, or ability to gaslight will be enough to keep everything under control. And most of the time, they get away with it for far longer than they should.
7. They Convince Themselves That Technicalities (‘It Was Just Texting!’) Make It Okay
When caught, a cheating man will often try to minimize his actions by focusing on technicalities. “It was just flirting,” “Nothing physical happened,” “It was just texting.” He’ll act as if crossing emotional boundaries doesn’t count, as if betrayal only matters if it’s physical.
But emotional affairs are just as damaging. Sneaking around, forming intimate connections behind a partner’s back, and lying are all forms of betrayal. Trying to redefine what “counts” as cheating is just another way they avoid accountability.
8. They’re More Loyal To Their Ego Than To You
At the end of the day, a cheating man’s top priority isn’t his relationship—it’s his own ego. He cheats to feel desirable, powerful, and admired. It’s not about finding a deep emotional connection elsewhere—it’s about feeding his own self-importance.
That’s why he’ll lie, manipulate, and deflect blame to protect himself. He’s not protecting your relationship; he’s protecting his own image. And that’s the kind of person who should never have been trusted in the first place.
9. They Swear ‘She Meant Nothing’—As If That Makes It Better
When caught, one of the first things a cheater will say is, “She meant nothing.” They believe that if the affair wasn’t emotional, it somehow lessens the betrayal. But the reality is, that only makes it worse.
If she “meant nothing,” that means he risked his relationship for absolutely nothing. He wasn’t in love; he wasn’t unhappy. He threw away trust and respect just for the thrill of it. That’s not a mistake—it’s a character flaw.
10. They’ll Call You ‘Crazy’ for Suspecting It—Until You Have Proof
The most manipulative cheaters will gaslight their partners into thinking they’re paranoid. “You’re overthinking,” “You’re being dramatic,” “You’re looking for a problem.” They make their partner doubt their own instincts, keeping them in the dark for as long as possible.
But the moment there’s undeniable proof, the script flips. Suddenly, they’re remorseful, claiming they never meant to hurt anyone. But by then, the damage isn’t just the betrayal—it’s the months or years spent making you feel insane for noticing it.
11. They’re Not Risking Their Relationship For Love—They’re Doing It For The Thrill
Most cheaters don’t actually want to leave their partners. They don’t cheat because they’re looking for a better relationship; they cheat because they love the adrenaline rush of sneaking around.
It’s about ego, excitement, and testing the limits of what they can get away with. And when the affair loses that “forbidden” element, they often lose interest—because it was never about the other woman. It was about them all along.
12. They Think Their Side Piece Won’t Expect More—Until She Does
Cheaters often convince themselves that their affair is a purely physical or emotionally detached arrangement. They assume their side piece understands the “unspoken rules”—that this is just a bit of fun, that they’ll never expect commitment, and that the secrecy is part of the thrill. In their minds, they believe they can have the best of both worlds: a stable relationship at home and an exciting, no-strings-attached escape on the side.
But feelings don’t work that way. Sooner or later, the affair partner starts expecting more—more time, more attention, more validation. Maybe they start questioning why they’re always second choice or pushing for promises that were never actually made. And that’s when cheaters start to panic. What was once an easy, consequence-free arrangement suddenly feels suffocating. The moment their side piece wants more, the fantasy collapses, leaving them scrambling to keep the situation from blowing up their entire life.
13. They Only ‘Change’ When They Lose Something They Thought They’d Always Have
Cheaters don’t change because they suddenly feel guilty or because they’ve had a heartfelt revelation about their mistakes. Most of them don’t even take their behavior seriously until they’re faced with real consequences. As long as their partner stays, they assume they can keep getting away with it. They might promise to do better, but deep down, they never actually believe they’ll have to follow through.
It’s only when they finally lose something they thought they’d always have—whether it’s their marriage, their reputation, or the comfort of knowing someone will always be waiting for them—that reality sets in. Suddenly, they regret everything. Not because they truly understand the harm they caused, but because they never thought they’d have to pay the price for it. Their apologies aren’t about remorse—they’re about damage control. But by the time they start begging for another chance, it’s usually too late.
