At This Point, I’m More Afraid Of Being In A Relationship Than I Am Of Being Single

To me, there’s nothing more terrifying than being in love. Too much can go wrong — no matter how well things seem to be going, love can be over without warning. I almost feel like I’d rather be single than go through the ups and downs of dating someone. I’m not afraid to admit it — at this point, I’m scared of being in a relationship and I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it.

  1. Emotions are scary. I’ve never liked dealing with feelings — they freak me out. When you feel things, you’re more likely to care when they go wrong — no thank you. I don’t want to be in a relationship for five years, only to find myself single and completely heartbroken when things go wrong. Feelings are terrifying because you get dependent on them, and I don’t want to be dependent on anything or anyone but myself.
  2. My last relationship seriously sucked. My last relationship completely changed my outlook on love. My ex was rude and arrogant — our relationship was horrifically awful and everyone knew it — everyone but me, that is. For some reason, I couldn’t see the relationship for what it truly was, and that scares me. I was too trapped in my own version of reality, and that says more about me than it does about him. My instincts are crap and I don’t trust them anymore.
  3. Being vulnerable takes time. It takes me a while to get comfortable in a relationship, even in the most platonic ones. Unfortunately, some guys don’t have that kind of patience — they want a girl who’s ready to have sex after the third date and say “I love you” a month in. I can’t do that! I’m incredibly afraid of being vulnerable, which only leads to me getting ghosted after a week because the guy gets tired of waiting for me to open up. Honestly, I’m better off being single than trying to date.
  4. I don’t know exactly what I want. I’m afraid of dating someone that’s totally wrong for me. Sure, I might like him for a while, but what if after a year, I start crushing on the hot barista at Starbucks? What I’m attracted to goes back and forth all the time! I don’t want to start a relationship with a guy, only to find myself uninterested in him two months later. I have no clue what I really want or need — I’d rather not date at all than date the wrong person.
  5. Cheating happens all the time. People cheat every single day. I have a fear of being cheated on, but I also have a fear of cheating myself. I don’t ever want to hurt someone, but the odds are against relationships nowadays. I can’t think of a couple who hasn’t experienced cheating in some way. If it’s not physical, it’s emotional — either way, someone’s getting screwed over. Why would I want to put myself in a position like that?
  6. I have a hard time expressing myself. I can’t just come out and say I like someone — it’s just not how I operate. Being in a relationship means I’d have to express my feelings. I’d have to show interest, flirt, and tell someone that I want to be with him— how exhausting! It’s not that I can’t do it, I’d just prefer not to have to. The idea of expressing my feelings makes me sick to my stomach. What if he doesn’t feel the same way about me, or what if he says he does but doesn’t actually mean it?
  7. I don’t want to fight. Fighting was always a common occurrence in my past relationships. We’d mostly fight about little stuff — what movie to watch, where to go to dinner, blah blah blah! Our fights would only end if I apologized (or he just walked out the door). My boyfriends definitely weren’t the best, but fighting would happen even if I was dating my soulmate. Every relationship has some sort of drama — the only way I know how to avoid bickering in a relationship is by not having one.
  8. My family gets too invested. My family gets way too involved in my romantic life. If I was in a relationship, my parents would tell EVERYONE. My 91-year-old grandmother would be the most invested (shes’s been itching for grandchildren). It’s a lot of pressure to have your family involved in your relationship because when that relationship ends (which it inevitably will), I’ll have to tell everyone and basically relive the breakup over and over  — I can’t handle that.
  9. I’m too selfish. I’m too selfish to be in a relationship — there, I said it! I know I’m not the only one out there who’s low-key obsessed with myself. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes me a really crappy girlfriend sometimes. I have a hard time considering someone else’s feelings — hey, at least I’m honest. When I want to do something, I do it — it’s as simple as that. If I was in a relationship, the guy would quickly realize I’m too selfish for him and kick me to the curb, and I can’t say I’d blame them.
  10. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I don’t want to disappoint myself and I don’t want to disappoint the person I’m dating. My biggest fear about being in a relationship is letting my partner down. I’d hate for him to think I’m invested in our relationship when I’m really not. I’m emotionally stunted, so why would I date someone? The relationship wouldn’t be something I truly wanted and I’d inevitably be wasting my partner’s time.
  11. Breakups are always horrible. Is there even such a thing as a good breakup? I know I’ve never seen one! Even when the breakup is “mutual,” someone’s always left hurt and crying. All of my breakups have either been bad or completely catastrophic. They’ve never ended maturely, and I’ve never walked away with a sense of closure. A breakup rips away all the feelings that were once shared in a relationship — someone I once loved becomes someone I despise. I’m done with breakups, which unfortunately means I’m done with relationships… at least for now.
Jordan White is a writer based in Scottsdale, Arizona with more than 8 years of experience. She graduated from Northern Arizona University with a degree in Rhetoric and Creative Writing in 2015 and while there, she wrote for The Daily Wildcat. She has since written for sites including FanBread, and, of course, Bolde. You can find about more her on Facebook. She has a passion for giving her audience something to laugh about and despises the heat more than anything.