Falling in love with such an incredible guy has been an amazing experience, but it’s also taught me a lot about myself – I’ve realized I’m seriously obsessive and co-dependent. I’ve always been really independent but somehow, my boyfriend has the ability to make me really happy or really miserable with just a few words. I hate that I’ve given him so much power over me… but I have.
It doesn’t make any sense. I love my job, I love living alone and I love myself. I don’t need a boyfriend in order to be happy, which is why I can’t wrap my head around why a guy means so much to me. He shouldn’t be able to ruin my day just by canceling plans, but for some reason, he can.
I’m not used to it. I’m used to ignoring guys who ignore me and kicking guys to the curb the second they piss me off. Basically, I’m used to not GAF. That’s why it’s so hard to deal with life now that I actually care about a certain guy’s opinion.
I must be crazy about him. I’m not the type of girl to swoon over any old guy that enters my life. The fact that he has so much power over me means I care about him a lot more than I’m comfortable with. I’d be lying if I said I was happy about the change.
I hate myself for how I feel. I don’t want to wait by the phone for his text and upload sexy Instagram photos in the hopes that he’ll like them. I’m better than that. I hate how much I care about his opinion.
My world feels like it stops and ends with him. Even if he does something to make me burst out in tears, I shouldn’t dwell on it, because I have a career I should be focusing on. I should be planning out the best way to get a promotion, but I always end up planning out what to wear on our next date instead. For some reason, his opinion is all I’ve come to care about.
I know I don’t need him. I’m not naive enough to believe I need him in my life. I know I can survive without him and can be perfectly happy while doing so. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s all I can think about, and it’s driving me mad.
The little things hurt the worst. It’s not the big things that bother me. If he cheated on me or raised his hand to me, then I’d break up with him without a second thought. But when he does little things, like makes a rude comment about my new haircut, it bothers me for the rest of the day.
He doesn’t even realize it. The worst part is that he doesn’t even realize he has so much power over me. He has no idea that the tiniest things he says or does can linger in my mind for days.
I wonder if I hold the same power over him. I can’t help but wonder if he thinks about the little things I’ve said for weeks after I’ve said them. I wonder if he cares about my opinion as much as I care about his. I wonder if I’m not the only one who’s going crazy over this crappy little thing called love.
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