Pretty much all of my friends are having kids and it’s driving me insane. While I’m desperate to become a mom myself and I’m with an amazing guy who I know would be a great father, I know the timing’s not quite right just yet and it’s killing me.
My best friend was the first of our group to get pregnant and that’s when it all started. In fact, I’m pretty sure her getting knocked up actually caused my baby fever. I was way too young and still dating immature guys at that point, so obviously I had no desire to live vicariously through her. Still, when my best friend got pregnant, I was ecstatic to be part of the experience. I was going to be an honorary aunt and honestly, I couldn’t wait. When she actually had the baby, my desire to have one myself got even worse.
Seeing my boyfriend hold my best friend’s baby gave me a glance into the future. He was so good with the baby and he loved playing and watching cartoons with the little dude. My best friend gave me a look and I knew she was thinking the same thing I was: he’d be a great dad. He watched the baby for us while we went upstairs to do our makeup for the night and we didn’t think twice about leaving him with the little one. My boyfriend is a natural.
Now that I’m with a guy I can see myself having kids with, the desire is more immediate. The idea of getting pregnant is seeming less crazy every day. Our situation still isn’t ideal for a baby, but at least I wouldn’t regret having one with him. I tried really hard to justify becoming a mom now in my mind, but common sense told me that I need to get my life figured out a little more before I bring a child into the world.
I had a pregnancy scare that turned out to be not so scary because of my desire to be a mom. My period was late and I was showing all kinds of pregnancy symptoms. In retrospect, pregnancy causes pretty much every symptom, so I think I got my hopes up when I realized there could be a possibility that I was knocked up. My boyfriend seemed like he was freaking out at first, but the night we went to buy that first test, he told me that no matter what happened, he’d be super supportive and wouldn’t be upset if the test was positive. I admittedly felt a pang of disappointment when I saw that the result was negative. Turns out, my boyfriend felt the same.
The negative pregnancy test caused a major depressive episode. My baby fever was in full swing and I was absolutely miserable. I’d often scroll through Instagram and see the many other mothers that I went to school with looking so happy to be expecting or enjoying life with their babies. I’m extremely happy for all of these people, but I still felt this weird empty feeling, like I didn’t have a purpose. I knew I was torturing myself but I couldn’t help it. I now have an entire Pinterest board full of nursery decor, tips for raising vegan children, and other helpful things for pregnancy. I may not be able to use it yet, but I know it’ll come in handy one day. Thankfully, the depression has lessened considerably.
I know I’ll be a mom someday when the time is right. I still get waves of being desperate for a baby and it does suck to know that parenthood isn’t in my immediate future. I could still be a kickass mom if I had a baby now, but I don’t want my child to have to settle for less than the very best. I want to give them everything they could ever want because they’re everything that I want. It’s especially hard to tell yourself it’s too soon to be a mom when your best friends are both doing so well at it. However, I’m channeling my baby fever into motivation to work harder and move forward in life so that when it does happen, I’m as prepared as possible. Of course, it’s often easier said than done.
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