Living Apart Together Is The Relationship Trend Saving Couples’ Sanity

For many singletons looking for love, the ultimate goal is to find someone to settle down with. A large part of building a life with someone is building a home with someone, but sharing a living space with another person when you’re used to being on your own can be difficult to say the least. And if two people have entirely different lifestyles and opinions on how the household should be run, major friction can result. Maybe that explains why living apart together is becoming an increasingly popular dating and relationship trend.

What is this trend all about?

It’s basically exactly what it sounds like: being in a long-term relationship with someone but maintaining your separate living spaces. For many couples, this arrangement works throughout the dating period but changes when and if they get married. For others, it means living apart for the rest of their lives, though they do spend time at one another’s homes regularly.

Living apart together is a way for couples who choose this path to enjoy the benefits of being in a secure, stable relationship while holding onto their autonomy and preferred ways of living. It means the relationship doesn’t become all-consuming and that many of the habits and behaviors they enjoyed as single people can continue indefinitely.

It’s not for everyone, but it’s certainly working for many people. In fact, recent U.S. Census Bureau data cited by The New York Times found that 3.89 million Americans — equalling roughly 2.95% of married couples — are happily choosing living apart together. This number is on the rise since the pandemic and is likely to continue going up in the coming years.

Benefits of living apart together

1. You have your own space to retreat to in order to decompress, unwind, and simply be. One of the most frustrating aspects of living with a partner is the lack of space. If you don’t have the means to rent or own a huge apartment, condo, or house, there’s often nowhere you can be alone. No matter how much you love your partner, everyone needs time and space to unwind and just be on their own. Living apart together solves this.
2. You can focus on yourself rather than your partner’s needs 24/7. Studies have repeatedly proven that women do the bulk of the emotional labor in heterosexual relationships. Many women also do the physical labor in running a household, childrearing duties, etc. That’s exhausting. Even having to worry about whether or not your partner has eaten or if they remembered to take the trash out can become overwhelming. Removing yourself from the situation 24/7 alleviates much of that pressure. You can think about your own needs and feelings for once, and it feels great.
3. You can reconnect with parts of yourself you may have lost since getting into a relationship. When a relationship is serious enough that you decide to move in together, that can change a person. Serious long-term relationships often see one or both partners merging into one unit and losing their individuality. They know it’s unhealthy and it makes them unhappy, but they don’t know what else to do. Living apart together addresses this. When you’re not in each other’s pockets all day, every day, you suddenly have time and energy to focus on other things.
4. You maintain a sense of mystery and excitement between yourself and your partner. That’s not to say that couples who cohabitate are bored with each other and their relationship. However, living separately does keep the thrill alive. Because you have time and space to do your own thing, you have more to talk about when you are together. There are parts of your lives still shrouded in mystery, and that’s attractive.
5. You have more mental energy to pursue goals that may have fallen by the wayside. Many people in relationships who’ve decided to live on their own have said that one of the best parts is that they suddenly feel much more accomplished. They’re able to put more energy into their careers and professional goals and often climb the ladder much more quickly as a result. How cool is that?
6. You get more clarity about your relationship and your desire to be in it. This is a good thing, even if the “clarity” you receive is the realization that you’d rather be single. Having physical space between you to reflect on your relationship regularly means you’re deciding every single day to continue with this person. It’s a choice, not something you’re doing because you have to. That’s always a good thing.
7. You appreciate the time you do spend with your partner that much more. When you are with your partner, you’re able to truly live in the moment and appreciate it so much more. You don’t have a chance to get tired of each other because you’re not together all the time. That keeps things fresh and assures that when you do decide to get together, that time is more meaningful.

Disadvantages of living apart together

1. It can make you feel insecure about your relationship. Living apart together requires a huge amount of confidence and security in your partner, the relationship, and yourself. Otherwise, not being together regularly could make you worry that things are falling apart. Jealousy breeds easily in this situation if not kept under control, so it’s important to be mindful of this.
2. You could put emotional distance between you as well as physical. There’s nothing inherently harmful in a couple deciding to live separately. However, the physical space could be accompanied by emotional space if you’re not careful. Just because you have your own place doesn’t mean you should slack on maintaining your connection. You should still talk regularly, spend quality time together, etc. Otherwise, you’ll drift apart.
3. It’s more expensive than living together. The financial aspect of this trend can’t be overlooked. Running two households is undoubtedly more expensive than sharing one. If money is no concern for either of you, this likely isn’t a problem. However, others might find it a barrier to making the move.
4. It can sometimes feel lonely. Sure, you can always stay the night at your partner’s place or invite them to yours. However, there will be times when it’s just you on your own. While some people would consider this a gift rather than a problem, others might struggle with the solitude and loneliness.
5. Other people may not understand or accept the arrangement. Other people’s opinions on your relationship shouldn’t matter, but to many, they do. Unless your family members and friend groups are extremely open-minded and forward-thinking, they may not understand your desire to live separately from your partner. In fact, they may question why you’re together at all. Fielding these questions could become tiresome.
6. It may be a barrier to having and raising children. Yes, it’s possible to have children with someone you’re not living with — separated and divorced couples do this all the time. However, it’s certainly more challenging and may not work in the first few years of the child’s life. It’s something to think about if you want to start a family.
7. It takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy connection. At the end of the day, living apart together can work if you’re willing to put in the work. However, it will indeed take work. You will need to be extra attentive to your partner’s feelings and needs as well as your own. Otherwise, this arrangement could backfire and you could end up breaking up.

Can a relationship survive living apart after living together?

While many couples choose living apart together from the moment their relationship becomes serious, others decide to try it after cohabitating becomes too challenging. However, is it possible to transition from sharing a living space to maintaining your own without damaging the relationship or ruining it completely?

The answer to that question depends entirely on the people in question. For many couples, moving out and deciding to live separately can actually save a struggling relationship. Suddenly, both parties get a chance to feel refreshed and renewed when the pressure is off. For others, it can be the final push needed to end things altogether. There’s no guarantee of what will happen for a given couple, so it’s always a gamble. For many, it’s one well worth taking.