First off, just so we’re clear, no one on this Earth is qualified to judge you. If you’re feeling self-conscious and undateable, please know those thoughts are total crap. These may be points to discuss and work through, but we all have our baggage. Nevertheless, these are the 10 things about myself that make me pause when I’m wishing to find a dating partner.
Having an attitude
Ever heard the quote, “Well-behaved women rarely make history?” Being loud and proud can make you a boss, but for some reason, we walk around thinking we have to be oh so delicate and demure to get a guy. Look, the damsel in distress act may work great for some, but I’m not giving up my independent diva ways just to appeal to male taste. I would hope the right guy for me would be impressed by my assertiveness and want to team up as a power couple.
I finally admit it—I can be messy as hell and I’m not just referring to drama. That doesn’t make me a domestic failure, though. I can cook, clean, decorate, and entertain with the best of them, but during the workweek, a girl gets tired and sometimes just wants to crash. Dishes are endless and my laundry still hasn’t figured out how to fold itself. I put so much pressure on myself to have this Better Homes & Gardens-ready setup whenever a man I like comes over and it’s such a waste. If a little lived-in disorder is all it takes to scare him off, he wasn’t meant for me in the first place.
I’m not the friend you come to when you need someone to take your side. I like to keep it 100% real. And the same mindset extends to my partner. I will not agree with a dude just to make him feel supported and feed into his probably already overinflated male ego. I want to be with someone who enjoys a healthy debate over different perspectives of a topic anyway. I’m not trying to replicate a Leave It To Beaver household.
Having skeletons in my closet
We all have our dirty laundry, but if it’s in the past, leave it there. What’s important is whether you learned and grew from your experiences. Not everyone was handed a silver spoon in life and some of us had more to overcome and different means of survival than others. If someone can’t accept a part of you, then they’re not the one for you. No one who is putting in the work to be their best self should be disqualified from love.
My relationship status
I think it’s safe to assume most people beyond their mid-twenties have been in multiple relationships throughout their lifetime. Nothing is wrong with dating. Neither is anything wrong with a relationship not working out. It happens. Unless it’s an astronomical number or there is a clear pattern of instability when it comes to the number of past dating or sexual partners (such as consistently hopping to the next without breaks), then this shouldn’t be held against someone. With the same thought in mind, being divorced doesn’t mean someone is damaged goods either. Despite the hype, marriage is hard in real life.
My household composition
The double standard when it comes to having kids is complete BS. Most of the time guys aren’t the primary physical parent, so they can really be free to mostly carry on their lives in the same usual manner. Women, on the other hand, typically have to make arrangements when it comes to trying to date while being a mom. So even if a dude has children of his own, it’s still an issue for a single mother seeking a relationship, and some men will openly complain on dating apps about not wanting to deal with it. If we can’t all be accepted, that’s cool, but he’s missing out on a great catch.
Changing my mind
Look, kudos to you if you’ve had the same job, phone number, and place of residence since 2005. These days, it is not uncommon for people to switch careers. Transient lifestyles are becoming more prevalent. People pick up and move for jobs, relationships, or just a choice. Change is not synonymous with being unstable. It’s not a bad thing to keep life spicy.
Not having a consistent circle
Some people, by no fault of their own, legitimately had a crappy childhood and got out of some messed up family situations. Other people had close friends they fully trusted who straight up betrayed them and stabbed them in the back. Sometimes, nothing dramatic happened and we’re just busy and lose touch with others, especially when you stay focused on the glow-up and goal-getting. Not having consistent people in your life doesn’t always reflect on who you are as a person or mean you ever did anything wrong. If someone truly wants to be with you, they would seek to understand the situation you’re in and your current season in life.
Having communication barriers
Being verbally abusive, including passive-aggressive methods like giving the silent treatment, is never acceptable. Grow up and learn how to treat others with respect. But we’re also not all masters of speech either. Some of us, for example, seriously hate conflict and will bottle our thoughts and needs in until we’re ready to explode or even just forever. Others are stuck over-apologizing or simply don’t know how to say no. If a man loves you, he will get to know this about you and either support you in improving or at least not look down on you for it.
Life happens and it isn’t cheap. Having student loans or a bankruptcy on your record does not make you unfit to be with. It’s nice to have a clean slate, but as long as you’re not delinquent on payments, severely drowning in collections, or looking for an unknowing Sugar Daddy to bail you out of your money problems, then you’re likely just normal and in the same boat as the rest of us.
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