“I Love To 69!” Said No Woman Ever

Every guy I’ve ever been with has wanted to 69 and I usually say yes and pretend like I love it. However, the second I’m in the middle of the act, I always regret it. It’s just so awkward and confusing and not my idea of good sex. Here’s why the 69 sex position really should be eradicated for good.

  1. It’s hard to concentrate. There’s something weird that happens in my brain when I’m getting pleasured. For some reason, the part that I use to focus on feeling good turns off. I don’t think we’re wired to concentrate on getting our partner off while simultaneously receiving intense pleasure. Maybe it’s different for guys, but my mind just goes blank when I’m hovering over top of my partner and I totally forget what I’m supposed to be doing.
  2. It’s tiring. If I’m on top (and more often than not, I am), it’s so goddamn draining. The amount of strength it takes to hold myself up while making sure I don’t suffocate my sex partner requires some kinda expert gymnast skills, for real. It’s like a hovering motion that I need to maintain, like a plank with NO opportunity to rest. It’s just… too much.
  3. There’s not a lot of intimacy involved. There’s not a lot of opportunity for any sort of petting or touching, it’s just two people awkwardly laying on top of each other, struggling to get each other off. It’s like what aliens who had no idea about how humans work would do if they tried to re-enact sex on our planet.
  4. Both people are kinda half-assing it. Every time my partner suggests we do 69, all I hear is, “Do you wanna have painfully mediocre sex for a few minutes?” Just…why? Why would I opt to have bad sex when there are so many other, better ways to get each other off? Name any sex position and I can guarantee it’s ten times better than 69ing.
  5. Height differences can make it awkward. It actually works pretty well if the two of us are about the same height and dimensions, but if he’s a couple of feet taller than me, forget it. At that point, not only am I planking but I’m also thrusting back and forth. It’s just too much to think about.
  6. It’s overcomplicating sex for no reason. Sex should be a natural expression of passion and 69ing turns it into this math equation that is way too complicated for its own good. The idea of it can be thrilling, but once you’re actually doing it, it’s like, whoever invented this position must have been on something…
  7. He’s the one getting the most pleasure out of it. The girl is usually hovering on top while the guy gets to just chill on the bed, which is probably why guys seem to like it so much. The worry of suffocating him as well as thinking about holding myself up takes a lot of the pleasure out of it for me. I find that sex is only enjoyable when my mind is clear and able to focus on only sexy things and 69ing is not one of them.
  8. It’s easy to lose balance. You could say 69ing is a little bit dangerous depending on how close you are to the edge of the bed. I’ve had several times where I’ve felt like I could possibly tip over. It’s easy to slip, so to avoid falling, I tense my body as hard as I can to create a stable grip, but that only makes me unable to actually feel all the pleasure going on down there. What’s the point?
  9. One person always ends up working harder than the other. Even though 69ing is supposed to be a team effort, it usually ends up where one person will start to take over and then the other will just lay back and receive. I’m usually the one who actually gives up just because I “forget” what we were trying to do in the first place. Pleasure can be VERY distracting.
  10. It requires mega upper arm strength. After I finish pretending to love doing 69, it seriously feels like I just did a kickboxing class. It’s like I’m holding a plank but also doing several half pushups which ends up being so painful, by the way. I usually have to stop about two minutes in because I just can’t hold it any longer. My arms are super sore after and sure, it’s great exercise, but I want to actually be able to use my arms the next day.
  11. It’s like working while on vacation. I read somewhere that 69ing is like working on vacation. That is probably the best way I could describe it. Who would choose to stress themselves out during a time when they should be having fun and relaxing? No one! When 69ing comes up all I can do is sigh and say, “Here we go.” It feels more like I’m solving a problem in math class than anything else.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.