I Love You, But I Don’t Want To Move In Together

I Love You, But I Don’t Want To Move In Together ©iStock/Sjale

Moving in together is a massive step in a relationship and it’s one that I’m just not ready for. It doesn’t mean I’m not committed to you or that I don’t see a future with him because I am and I do. It’s just that sharing a living space isn’t something I’ve ever dreamed of doing and that hasn’t changed.  love you with all my heart, but I just don’t want to live with you.

  1. I like my own routine. I’ve spent years establishing my own routine. I don’t want to have to change everything just because you want to share a space together. I like watching TV before I get up, staying up late, working during the night, and eating brunch instead of breakfast.
  2. It’s my place, not yours. I’m the one paying for this place, not you. Why should I suddenly have to share it? I bought it because it was the perfect amount of space for me. Now, just because I love you, I’m supposed to either share or move out? That doesn’t seem fair.
  3. I still value my alone time. I love you, but I love being alone too. I hate the thought that I can’t just come home, put on a tank and undies and watch bad ’80s action movies whenever I want. I need to be alone sometimes and living together isn’t going to work.
  4. I don’t want to be together 24/7. No, this doesn’t mean I want to break up. I love spending time with you, but I’m not a clingy person. My home is my sanctuary. It’s the place I go when you annoy the hell out of me or I’m angry. I don’t want you in my bed when I’m pissed or interrupting me while I’m busy reading.
  5. I need all the closet space. I have a lot of clothes. It’s kind of my own personal addiction. I don’t share closets. Your closets are far too small and mine are just right — for my clothes only. You’d have to leave yours in a pile on the floor, but that’s just tacky.
  6. Sorry, but I’m selfish. If we did move in together, I’d treat you more like a roommate than my partner. Sorry, but I’m extremely selfish. If I buy food, it’s mine. If I’m watching TV, don’t dare touch the remote. I don’t want to move in together because we’d end up staying in separate rooms all the time just to get along.
  7. What happens if we break up? I know we’re in love, but love doesn’t always mean forever. Yes, I’m cynical. Anything could happen and then we’re stuck trying to figure out who keeps what. If we buy a place together, then we both have to move. If I move out of my place, then I’m stuck without a place to live. It’s not a risk I want to take.
  8. If we move in together, we’ll never get married. Think of all the people who live together. How many of them get married? It’s usually many years later, after an unplanned pregnancy or if they have a child that starts asking questions. I’m not saying I’m ready to get married, but I refuse to let living together serve as a substitute for marriage.
  9. Why should I have to choose between places? At least one of us has to give up their place. Why should I have to choose? I worked hard for mine and frankly, so did you. We’re not that far apart. Why choose when we could just keep what we’re both happy with?
  10. You already sleep over. It’s not like we never stay at each other’s places. We can keep doing this without all the hassle of moving all our stuff. Besides, when we get sick of each other, we get to go back to our own places. Let’s face it, relationships are better with a little space sometimes.
  11. I’m happy with the way things are. I guess I’m the oddball out, but I’m perfectly happy with the way we are now. I love you and I know you love me. You didn’t even ask about moving in together until your friends and parents started making a big deal of it. Keeping things like this for now doesn’t mean the relationship is going nowhere. It just means we’re both grown-ass adults and know what makes us happy.
  12. Moving in doesn’t make me love you more. I’ve seen many couples who claimed to be in love who broke up not long after moving in together. That big move doesn’t equal more love. It’s not going to change how I feel about you. Isn’t my love right now enough?
  13. I’m not keeping my stuff in storage. There’s never enough room for everyone’s stuff when moving into one place or the other. I’m sure as hell not putting my stuff in storage to make room for yours. I don’t even like half your stuff.
  14. If you don’t like it, move on. I know my stance isn’t a popular one, but you knew how I felt when we got together. If this is a deal-breaker for you, I understand. Well, I don’t fully understand, but I get that it’s important to you. I won’t be pressured into living together and if you don’t like it, move on.

Do couples really need to move in together to be happy?

The answer here is pretty simple: no. There are plenty of people in relationships who are content with their partners and with living on their own.

  1. It’s known as “living apart together.” The idea of couples being in a happy relationship but not wanting to share the same living space. Loads of celebrities who do and have done it, from Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk to Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, and loads more everyday couples prefer this arrangement as well. It’s really no big deal.
  2. It actually has roots in queer culture. Back in the 1970s, sociologist Joseph Harry attempted to learn about “the love lives and social settings” of gay men. He found 241 of them who were in committed long-term relationships and discovered that while the “vast majority” of heterosexual couples lived together, only 75% of gay couples did. While there were various reasons for this, Harry did note that “separate-residence relationships [were] a workable adaptation to perceived pressures from the heterosexual community.” These days, living apart together is favored by LGBTQI+ couples and straight ones alike.
  3. What used to be a decision made out of necessity is now one of choice. In the past, couples often didn’t move in together because they had jobs in different cities or there was another circumstance that made sharing a place untenable. These days, it’s all about personal choice. “We are in a whole new era of couples living apart,” says researcher and author Bella DePaolo. “What is relatively new, or newly getting recognized, are the couples living apart because they want to—or at least one person in the couple wants to.”
  4. There are plenty of advantages to living apart. Not moving in together means you can keep your space exactly the way you want it. You never have to clean up anyone’s mess, you can hang up all those band posters you have, and fill up your entire living room with plants, if that’s what you want. You also get to appreciate more about your partner rather than feeling like they’re getting on your nerves. As DePaolo explains, couples who don’t move in together “focus on what they enjoy about each other and don’t spend a lot of time fretting about the small stuff.” I rest my case.
Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.