We’re always told that we should date ourselves – take ourselves out for coffee, go watch a movie alone, or even head out on a solo vacation. While these things seem exciting and definitely can be, I realized just how lonely I was when I decided to pluck up the courage to go on a trip by myself. Here’s what happened.
- I felt invigorated at first. When I packed my car to drive six hours to the coast, I felt empowered. I was going to the beautiful beach and would enjoy a week all on my own. I wouldn’t feel the pressure of going on holiday with a lover or friend, it was just about me. I could do what I wanted on my own schedule without having to worry about anyone else. I was sure it was going to be great.
- My car got stuck. About three hours into my journey, which had up until then involved me singing along to Beyonce in the car, I got a flat tire! Being stuck on the side of a deserted road in the late afternoon was scary, but I wasn’t too freaked out. I called for emergency roadside assistance and knew they’d be on their way soon.
- It took them two hours to get to me. I was stuck on the side of the road all by myself and it was getting dark. Emergency roadside took two hours to get to me, and during that time I really felt scared and frustrated. I craved the company of someone, even my horrible ex who probably would have blamed the whole thing on me.
- After that, i still had to drive. Once I got help and my tire was fixed, I still had three hours to drive before reaching my destination! It was dark and the weather was terrible. I hate being on the roads at night, and this was even worse because there were stretches of deserted land on either side of the road. I realized that as much as I pride myself on being independent, sometimes it’s really nice to have someone there for you during the tough times of life.
- I was so relieved when i got to the rental home. I was staying at a holiday home that an acquaintance was renting out, and I was so relieved to get there in one piece. I was also exhausted, so I got into bed and managed to get some decent sleep. I was amped to check out all the sights the next day, hoping that my solo vacation could begin and be awesome.
- I was surrounded by happy couples. During my time on the beach the next day, all I kept seeing were happy, madly-in-love couples who were holding hands and looking like they were the happiest people on earth. Yikes. There I was, all on my own, no one to talk to or enjoy the day with. It really sucked.
- I tried to have fun. I really did. I went to eat at a trendy restaurant where they made delicious french fries. I got a tan by sunning myself on the beach, then I hit a spa where I got a relaxing massage and a stunning manicure. I enjoyed doing all of those things, but…
- I had no one to share it with. Here’s the thing: I wanted to share all of the fun with someone. Sure, I could have invited my best girlfriends along for the ride and we would have had a good laugh and enjoyed each other’s company, but in that moment, even that didn’t feel like enough. I wanted more.
- I wanted to feel like i belonged. When I got back to the cold, lonely home I was staying in for the week, I realized that I wanted more than just company. I wanted to feel like I belonged to someone. I wanted to share my life with someone, someone I had intimacy with on an emotional level. A black cloud started to descend on me and I couldn’t seem to shake it off.
- I cut my trip short. I’d always thought I wanted to be alone, but when I was alone and out of my regular routine at home for a week, it just felt too lonely. I don’t feel bad or embarrassed to admit this because it’s normal for a forever single woman like myself to experience times when she doesn’t feel happy or empowered about being single. And that’s okay. I know that this experience will make me stronger and bolder. Hopefully when I go away next time, it will be with someone who can enjoy it with me.
