I never thought that dating as a woman who doesn’t want children would be so difficult. I once believed that there were tons of men who don’t want kids either, but now I know differently. It seems that I’m not the precious unicorn I thought I was. Here’s how my lack of desire for a family makes successful dating near-impossible:
I’m only interested in “nice guys” — and they almost always want kids. I want to be with someone compassionate and kind and caring. I’m having a very tough time finding a guy like that who’s also cool with never becoming a dad. I’m a nice person and I don’t want children, so I thought maybe it would be easier… but it’s not at all.
Guys my age are ready to settle down. I didn’t realize until I was single in my early 30s that this is the time period when men get their careers in order and decide they are prepared to start families. They’ve finally got all their other stuff settled, so it’s time to find the right girl to be a mom to their children. Unfortunately, I’m not that girl.
Guys who are older than me want to have kids immediately. I wrongly assumed that men in their late 30s and early 40s don’t want children just because they don’t have any already. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Either they took longer to get their professional lives in order or they never met the right woman. In both cases, they want a wife and children, like, yesterday.
Younger guys are great, but I worry they’ll want kids in the future. It’s all well and good to spend time with a young guy now — it’s pretty fun being a cougar, to be honest. Young guys have ambition and energy – they’re fun! I do stress about getting serious with a young guy because I figure at some point in the future he’ll also want to settle down and have children. I don’t want to deal with it.
Every single guy I’ve dated seriously wanted to be a dad. When I was younger, I’d jump into relationships without really discussing the serious questions. It all seemed so far away. Still, I knew that every boyfriend I had wanted a family eventually and that knowledge ate away at me. I’ve always known that I don’t want children, even if those exes of mine were in denial of it.
I’ve had major breakups over the issue and it sucked. I’m gun shy when it comes to dating because I lost someone I loved very much who decided that he definitely wanted children. He wasn’t sure for a long time — and I always made it very clear that I don’t intend to become a mother. I guess that wasn’t enough and he still hoped I would change my mind. He was wrong, and we parted ways. It was awful and I don’t want to go through that again.
Men incorrectly assume I’ll change my mind. That ex wasn’t the only man who thought I’d “come around.” I find it extremely condescending and disrespectful for a guy to try and tell me how I feel. I know how I feel. I know in some instances they just really care for me and hope I’ll change because they want to be with me, but that’s unrealistic and unfair. I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t love me for who I am.
I’ve had men assure me it’s unimportant and then, guess what… I don’t think they’re intentionally deceiving me, but this is beyond frustrating. I say what I mean and I try to remain optimistic that others will do the same. It’s tough to trust men when I feel like they’re only telling me what I want to hear. We get in too deep and they decide the kid thing is important after all — when I’ve already developed feelings.
I’m beginning to worry that I’ll never meet a good guy who feels the way I do. I’m getting scared. I’ve never been with a man who’s also wanted to remain childfree, and I don’t meet any now. I hear that they exist, but then where the hell are they? Every guy I know who doesn’t intend on having a family is either a jackass or completely incompatible with me. I might never find a good match.
I’m legitimately afraid I’ll be single forever because of my views. Yes, I’d rather stay alone than ever have kids for the wrong reasons, but it still blows. I don’t see my desire to stay independent and childless as such a detractor, but apparently it is in the eyes of most men. I never really thought I’d be in this position, but I am.
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