Being a highly sensitive and emotionally connected woman, I wasn’t all that surprised when my former partners told me I was “too much” before unceremoniously dumping me. It took me time on my own to open up to the idea that the problem was theirs, not mine—and I’m finally with a guy who gets that too.
My current partner knows I was never too much—my exes just weren’t enough.
I know he feels this way because he literally told me so and it had the biggest impact on me. I started to realize that maybe I’ve been just the right amount of everything that makes me, me and these people weren’t enough of themselves to accept and appreciate me. I’m not and never have been too emotional, sensitive, much to handle, complicated, positive, happy, outgoing or messed up. I finally get that now.
My feelings and thoughts matter and are valid.
It took me a very long time to realize that what I feel is valid. When my current partner told me I’m perfect just the way I am and that others merely lacked what I needed, I realized that I adopted the belief that what I thought and felt didn’t feel like it mattered along the way. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve learned that whatever I feel is valid because it is what I feel. My feelings aren’t any less important or valid than anyone else’s and I refuse to act like they are anymore.
Other people’s shortcomings are not my responsibility.
A good chunk of my life was surrounded by others who simply weren’t in the same space or place as I was. They weren’t even in the same mental time zone or on the same emotional planet. Because of this, I learned how to take on others’ inability to meet me in the middle as my responsibility. I would stress myself out and overwork myself trying to pick up their slack. My current partner re-affirmed for me that isn’t something I need to do, nor is it my responsibility. Putting down the weight and burden and walking away from those feelings made me feel 100 times lighter.
I no longer need to self-sabotage because I feel I’m unlovable.
After so many years of believing I wasn’t good enough for people and things in my life, I started to really drown under that conditioned belief. Being told I was “too much” made me feel like I wasn’t enough of something, which made me feel entirely unlovable. I would unknowingly self-sabotage things that would make me feel loved and happy by feeding into the belief that I wasn’t good enough. This is still something that I wrestle with at times but I’m working on it.
Being emotionally available with people who aren’t doesn’t make me too available.
For various reasons, I’ve fallen into a handful of emotionally unavailable relationships with men throughout my life. That inevitably led me to feel like being open and honest with my feelings contributed to me being “too much” for these guys. Thankfully, I’ve since learned that being too emotionally available isn’t a thing, especially in a healthy long-term relationship. Being completely closed off, however, is a real problem.
I don’t need to be afraid to be seen for exactly who I am.
Being loved and appreciated for who I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life is making it easier for me to embrace all of the wonderful things that make me who I am. At first, it was something that was really uncomfortable for me to do. I’d worry that eventually my partner would wake up and realize that I really WAS too much and the same heartbreak would happen to me again. This is still something I wrestle with from time to time—old habits die hard and all that. However, I’m no longer afraid to be seen and I’m no longer afraid to be me.
My exes refused to meet me where I was; my current partner is enjoying the journey with me.
In a past relationship I was in with a very unhealthy, manipulative, and emotionally closed off man, I had a defining moment of seeing us on two different sides of the relationship and suddenly realizing his very real inability (or willingness) to go any further. I’m not wrong for being who I am or where I am in life. Neither was my ex. We all have our own journeys, but I’m done feeling bad about mine to make someone else feel better about theirs. Thankfully, I’ve finally found a partner who loves walking right by my side every step of the way.
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