Maybe you’re used to calling your mom multiple times a day or catching up with your dad every night before work, but is it actually good for you? There are lots of reasons why we should talk to our parents a bit less as we get older. I know that sounds heartless, but believe me — it will be a weight off your shoulders. Here’s why you shouldn’t rely so heavily on your parents’ wisdom as you grow up.
1. You can’t talk to them like you could before.
When we’re young, our parents are our only frame of reference. Often, they’re actually the only adults in our lives that we trust. Things will naturally change when you grow up and make choices for yourself. As a result, it’s hard to talk to them with the same freedom as you did before. That doesn’t make you a bad person — that’s just life.
2. You don’t need them as much.
Another harsh truth: you need your parents most when you’re younger. Even though, as adults, we still have lots of mistakes to make and learn from, we can do that in feedback with the world. Our parents are not our moral compasses anymore, so we just don’t need their input much.
3. They feel ownership over your life.
Parents, much as we love to criticize them, are doing all of this for the first time too. We have to be kind to them. However, that doesn’t mean it’s okay when they feel like they’re owed a seat at the table when you’re making life decisions. They should trust that they raised you right and take a step back.
4. You are your own person.
We’re all trying to work out who we are outside of our school, town, family. However, keeping close contact with your parents can sometimes hinder that growth. Trust your own journey.
5. They question your decisions.
You don’t have to prove yourself or validate your decisions to your parents when you’re an adult. It’s nice to keep them up to date here and there, but having parents drag you down and question your decisions isn’t right. You should be able to stand on your own two feet.
6. They don’t understand the new world order.
Try as they might, your parents probably haven’t perfectly adjusted to the new way of the world. Yes, they are experts on the relevant financial advice and social customs of the ’80s, but in the 2020s? Not so much.
7. They mean well but can be hurtful.
Parents will always want to impart their wisdom (read: judgment) so they can rest easy knowing they’ve given you all the information to make a decision. However, their language can sometimes be hurtful or dismissive when they talk about you — and it’s okay to check them on that.
8. You feel like you’re being interviewed when you talk to them.
This is particularly relevant when a big change is afoot, such as moving out or getting a new job. Parents will feel like your distance is a silent cry for help, even if it’s not. When you find yourself reporting updates back to them like a quarterly review, then it’s time to take a step back.
9. It’s an ick when your mum is your best friend.
I know “Gilmore Girls” is great and all that, but I liked the boundaries I had with my mother where I could still talk to her when I was younger, but she was ultimately an authority figure. I find myself being suspicious of people who are oddly close to their families. It always feels like the parents retained a degree of control over them that wasn’t natural.
10. Distance is healthy.
This is true for any relationship, not just specific to family. Ensuring that you have time set aside for yourself allows you to better replenish your social energy and have a fresh perspective the next day. Don’t make family the exception to all your good habits!
11. Their perspectives aren’t as relevant.
Oftentimes, when parents get older and they see a new generation pass them by, rather than try to acclimatize or learn about the new customs, they dig their heels in. This can mean that they get belligerent and stubborn as you all get older. Don’t keep them around just because they’re your family — you will be influenced by their negativity.
12. They view you as an extension of their life.
Parents love to be able to boast about their kids to their book clubs or whoever they find in the dairy aisle in Target. It’s nice and all, but it means the kid gets paraded around like an accessory. If you’re an adult and still being treated like your parents’ property, start talking to them less.
13. Their insecurities shouldn’t be yours.
Parents believe in their own faith, practices, and moral code – and that’s what they want to pass on to their young family. However, if you’re diverting from them, let that happen. Don’t let them burden you with their insecurities on top of your own.
14. You’re trying to leave their small-town memories.
While you can still acknowledge that you had a nice childhood, it’s also important to explore life outside of that. If you spend too much time at your parents’ house, then you’re not getting that valuable distance. There will probably be memories from school that you want to leave behind. Embrace that.
15. You love them, you don’t have to like them.
This is a harsh truth, but stick with me. We love our parents – of course we do. But there are often generational, financial, or cultural differences that start to grow wider as us kids grow up. If you don’t like your parents as much as you used to, you should step back.
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