It’s important that your child feels loved and respected, no matter how old they are. Think about it: They’ve relied on you since they were little and they still do. That means that they’ll never stop trying to please you or get your validation. However, if you do any of the things below, it sends the message that your child doesn’t meet your expectations, which can damage their self-esteem and your relationship.
1. You never congratulate them
It’s not difficult to congratulate your adult child when they do something that they should be proud of, like getting a new job or nailing one of their interviews. But if you don’t express that to them, it makes them think that you aren’t proud of them or supportive of them. This is highly damaging to your relationship and it can bring down their confidence, too.
2. You criticize their job
The goal is for your child to be happy, and if their job makes them happy, then you should be happy for them. Even if it’s not the career choice that you expected, you shouldn’t try to bring them down or make them feel like they should switch jobs just to satisfy you. It’s their life, not yours. Be happy for them!
3. You treat their sibling differently
Children notice if their parent has a favorite child. Naturally, you should love your children equally, which means treating them exactly the same. If you are giving more praise and affection to their sibling, they’ll notice. Don’t be surprised if they start treating you differently, too.
4. You compare them to everyone else
There’s a reason why they say, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Every time you compare your kid to their sibling or a friend’s child you’re telling them that they aren’t good enough. You’re also telling them that you don’t accept them for who they are, which can make them feel like they’ll never make you proud or meet your expectations.
5. You tell them to try harder
When your child tries their best but fails, you should still praise them and tell them that they did a good job. If your first response is to tell them to try harder next time, then it sounds like you don’t care. As a result, they’ll start to resent you and distance themselves from you.
6. You say you’re disappointed
We all make mistakes. If your child has confided in you about one of their mistakes and you tell them you’re disappointed, they probably won’t want to confide in you again. You don’t have to pretend that everything’s fine, but you can at least give them some sort of comfort. They need you right now, and as a parent, it’s your job to be there for them.
7. You never say “well done”
What your child needs the most is to know that you are proud of them. It takes two seconds to say, “Well done,” but if they never hear you say those two words, they’ll start to feel like they’ll never meet your expectations. And after a while, they’ll stop trying to please you altogether.
8. You try to change their mind
It’s up to your child to live their life the way they want to, which means they should make their own choices. Sure, they’ll make mistakes sometimes, but don’t we all? If you keep trying to change their mind about their career, relationship, or anything else going on in their life, it’ll drive a wedge between you. You have to let them live their life.
9. You distance yourself from them
You should never make your child feel like they aren’t loved or accepted. If you distance yourself from them whenever they make a decision that you don’t agree with, then it paints a clear picture. It says one thing and one thing only: I don’t respect you. It’s this kind of childish behavior that will ruin your relationship with your adult child.
10. You talk but don’t listen
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We all need to vent sometimes. As a parent, you should want to hear about your child’s problems and you should do whatever you can to help. Often, all they really want is for you to listen to them and comfort them. But if your first reaction is to talk about yourself or spin it back on your own problems, then you really need to sort out your priorities.
11. You tell them that you don’t approve
You can’t expect to understand every choice your child makes. But it’s up to them to live their life the way they want to. Telling them you don’t approve of their choices will only wreck your relationship—it’s a form of emotional blackmail. But this tactic doesn’t work, in fact, it will just make your adult child resent you.
12. You judge their choice of partner
The most important thing is that your child feels loved and happy. And if their partner makes them feel that way, then who are you to try and come between that? You should want what’s best for them. And if this is what’s best, then step aside and be happy for them.
13. You bring up the past
Part of growing up and navigating adult life is making a few mistakes along the way. We’re not the same people we were a few years ago. Bringing up the past and your child’s past mistakes makes it harder for them to move on and be the person they need to be. They feel like they can’t ever make it right, so they might as well stop trying.
14. You criticize them in front of others
You should never criticize your child, full stop. But what’s even worse than that is criticizing them in front of other people. Doing this belittles them and can make them feel ashamed of who they are. You should be trying to build up their courage and boost their self-esteem, not break it!
15. Nothing they do is ever enough
It doesn’t matter if they go out of their way to please you because nothing ever feels like it’s enough. Or at least that’s how you make them feel. You didn’t praise them when they got excellent grades or even when they got the job they wanted so, over time, they learned that nothing they do will be enough. If they can’t meet your impossible expectations then what’s the point?
