The man-child is basically the worst type of guy out there. His impressively high levels of immaturity and laziness are maddening and basically enough to make you want to swear off dating altogether and become a cat lady. Not quite sure if you’re dealing with one? Look out for these things in his apartment and if they’re there, it’s time to GTFO.
- Any kind of game console Game consoles are the pinnacle of man-childhood. Man-children love to game and likely have multiple consoles to play all of the latest games. As someone who’s dated a man-child before, I can tell you there’s nothing more irritating than coming home from a long day of work in the adult world to see your guy screaming at a virtual reality game.
- Multiple televisions in the same room A man-child needs to be accommodated at all times, especially when it comes to his television programs and sports. All of his favorite teams are playing at the exact same time on the exact same day? It’s never a problem for him because he’s conveniently set up four televisions in his bedroom so he doesn’t miss any action. Imagine how his life would be if he put all of that effort toward something else!
- Zero food except for cereal and boxed mac and cheese For the record, I also still eat cereal for breakfast and occasionally indulge in Kraft Mac & Cheese. But I also have other food in my kitchen with higher nutritional value. If he only has boxes of Froot Loops, Honey Nut Cheerios and Lucky Charms, he’s definitely a man-child. At some point, he just needs to figure out how to feed himself.
- Shelves stuffed with anything except books A man-child will almost always have a bookshelf in his place, probably one that his mom bought him for his first apartment. But instead of it being an obvious home to books, you’ll see it housing tubs of whey protein, random knick-knacks, stacks of paper and other stuff he just needs to throw away. And sure, maybe he has a Kindle and just prefers to save trees and read on that. Even so, I’d still be skeptical.
- Plastic eating utensils, plates, and cups If you ask for a glass of water and he hands you a Solo cup of water from the tap, run. If a guy doesn’t have any non-plastic or paper flatware or tableware, he’s clearly still stuck in frat mode and you should think long and hard about whether it’s possible to drink out of a plastic cup and have a serious conversation at the same time.
- A mattress with no box spring or frame A mattress on the floor tells you one of two things: he’s too lazy to order a $200 box spring and bed frame from Ikea or, if he can’t afford it, he’s not creative enough to do what many people do to cut costs and buy some planks of wood and build his own base. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t have to sleep on his floor, regardless of how “cozy” Urban Outfitters makes it look. You’re a grown woman. You deserve to sleep in a bed.
- A dirty towel hanging up in his bathroom If he’s only working with one towel and it looks extra grimy from overuse, you’re dealing with a man-child. A man-child seeks to do only the minimum, and no, that does not make him a minimalist—it makes it lazy and immature. If it looks like his towel has been used every day since the dawn of time without being washed, save yourself the horror and get out before you even have to pee or shower at his place.
- Axe body spray Listen to me, y’all. A man who’s still using that intensely overpowering, chemical-laden spray to deodorize as an adult man is a man-child. Axe body spray is what high school boys use to deodorize everything from themselves to their gym bags to their cars and their rooms. It’s a man-child product. A grown man will know that there are a plethora of better smelling and longer lasting deodorizing sprays than Axe and he will have different options.
- A bong I know that lot’s of men and women dabble in the marijuana healing arts. I’m not even suggesting that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with it, but I do think there are much classier and less messy ways of flying high that do not involve a bong contraption. Hello, edibles, anyone? Plus, bongs are super 2004 and they make your house smell like pot water and soot. It’s gross. If he owns a bong, I can almost guarantee you that he bakes all day and every day. No one owns a bong only to use it once a year. Dabbling is one thing but full-blown daily use is an entirely different issue. And in this day and age, who has time for that?