We’ve all known someone who seems to have it all together on the outside, but something still feels off. Their smiles are a little too bright, their assurances of happiness a bit too rehearsed. You can’t shake the feeling that beneath the polished facade, they’re secretly struggling. Here are 15 signs that someone may be outwardly happy but inwardly miserable, along with some frank advice on how to spot the red flags.
1. They’re always “fine.”
Whenever you ask how they’re doing, the answer is an automatic “I’m fine” or “Doing great, thanks!” They’ve got that response down pat, but it rings hollow. No one is perfectly fine all the time. If they never share genuine feelings, even with close friends, something’s off. Truly content people are okay being real about struggles sometimes.
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2. Their smile doesn’t reach their eyes.
A real smile crinkles the corners of the eyes. If someone pastes on a grin but their eyes look vacant or pained, that smile is probably masking hidden misery. It’s a polite social reflex rather than a reflection of joy. You’ve seen honest smiles from them before and this isn’t it.
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3. They’re always busy and can’t sit still.
Some people stay constantly on the go to avoid facing their inner demons, PsychCentral notes. As long as they’re occupied every minute, they don’t have to confront difficult thoughts and feelings. If a friend is forever dashing from work to social events to side hustles without taking time to just be, they may be running from something.
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4. They’ve picked up unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Maybe it’s a few too many drinks on a regular basis. Overeating junk food. Risky sexual behavior. Gambling. Retail therapy beyond their budget. We all have our vices, but if someone is frequently overindulging in sketchy habits, they’re likely trying to numb some pain. Those behaviors provide temporary relief from suffering at a long-term cost.
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5. They never unplug from social media.
If they’re glued to their phone, endlessly scrolling and posting curated snapshots of their life, they may be hungry for external validation. Compulsively checking for likes and comments can be a way to distract from loneliness and low self-worth. Social media becomes an escape from an unsatisfying reality.
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6. They’re intensely critical of themselves.
You’ve heard them make self-deprecating jokes and comments. At first it seemed like humility or relatability, but there’s a meanness to it, an undertone of self-loathing. They’re quick to blame themselves for anything that goes wrong. The high standards they hold themselves to seem more like a burden than a healthy motivator.
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7. They’re indecisive to the point of paralysis.
When faced with choices, they get overwhelmed and avoid committing, Verywell Mind explains. Even small decisions like picking a restaurant are difficult. They waffle endlessly, crowdsource opinions, and still struggle to make up their mind. That level of self-doubt and fear of making the “wrong” choice points to deeper insecurities and unease.
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8. They’re prickly about “negative” topics.
Whenever conversations veer towards the heavy stuff, they snap at people to lighten up or change the subject. They’re not interested in “depressing” discussions. It’s understandable to want levity, but an allergic reaction to serious topics suggests they’re battling some unresolved baggage. Emotionally healthy people can handle the full spectrum of light and dark.
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9. They apologize for everything.
You barely bump shoulders with them and they’re falling over themselves to say sorry. They apologize for taking up space, for having needs, for not being perfect. Those constant apologies are a red flag that they don’t feel worthy or capable. Confident, content people apologize sincerely when appropriate, not as a knee-jerk reflex.
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10. Their interests and friend groups keep changing.
Every few months it seems they’ve taken up new hobbies and are hanging with a different crowd. At first you figure they’re just exploring, but the old interests get completely dropped and the former friends are ghosted. This lack of consistency and revolving door of companionship hints at a struggle to build an authentic, fulfilling life.
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11. They get uncomfortable with intimacy.
Emotional intimacy, that is. Once a conversation starts moving beyond surface level chit-chat to meatier topics, they tense up or bail. Compliments and expressions of affection are deflected with awkward jokes. If a friendship starts getting close, they disappear for a bit. Their uneasiness with deeper connection likely stems from a deep-seated fear of vulnerability.
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12. They’re nostalgic for a romanticized past.
Remember the glory days of college? That magical summer after graduation? They sure do, and they won’t let you forget it. Never mind that they’re idealizing snapshots of the past while ignoring the challenges of those times. The present will always pale in comparison to an airbrushed history. Dwelling in selectively edited memories keeps them from being fully present.
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13. Their reactions are out of proportion.
Minor inconveniences send them into a tailspin of catastrophizing. Neutral feedback is interpreted as harsh criticism. Small gestures of kindness move them to over-the-top gushing. Those outsized emotional reactions are clues that there’s a well of unmet needs and unhealed hurts under the surface. They’ve lost perspective on what constitutes a real crisis.
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14. They’re not taking care of themselves.
Spotty hygiene, poor nutrition, erratic sleep habits, ignoring health issues. Disheveled appearance that goes beyond the Zoom mullet of business up top, sweatpants down below. Self-care is a struggle for everyone sometimes, but if they’re chronically neglecting basic needs, they’ve likely lost their sense of self-worth along the way. It’s hard to value yourself when you feel like an imposter.
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15. Your gut tells you something’s wrong.
You can’t always put your finger on it, but in quiet moments, your instincts ping you. There’s a feeling in your bones that they’re wrestling with something. You know their “I’m great!” is a half-truth at best. Listen to those gut inklings. Your unconscious is picking up on micro-signals that your rational mind hasn’t processed yet. If your spidey senses keep tingling, trust that they’re onto something.
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