It’s easy to paint our exes as villains, but sometimes it’s helpful to look in the mirror. If you recognize any of these behaviors, it might be time for some honest self-reflection.
1. You stalk your ex’s social media obsessively.
A little post-breakup curiosity is normal, sure, but if you’re creating fake accounts to follow their new partner, or analyzing their every Instagram story, it’s time to log off. The constant comparison game will only drive you crazy, and honestly, you’ve got way better things to do with your time. As Psychology Today reveals, incessant stalking could be down to a fear of abandonment, so it’s worth doing some self-reflection to see if there might be a deeper issue at play.
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2. You “accidentally” bump into them everywhere.
Showing up at their favorite coffee shop for the third time this week isn’t a coincidence, it’s creepy. Give them space, and let yourself move on. Besides, there are probably some awesome new places to discover that don’t come with the risk of awkward encounters.
3. You still trash-talk them years later.
Everyone needs to vent after a breakup, but if your friends roll their eyes every time you bring up your ex, it’s a sign you haven’t let go of that bitterness. Focusing on the negativity will keep you trapped in the past. Try channeling that energy into something positive, like a new hobby, instead.
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4. Badmouthing their new partner is your favorite hobby.
Even if you genuinely dislike the new person, trying to sabotage your ex’s happiness only makes you look petty and vindictive. Their dating life is none of your business now. Wouldn’t you rather focus on finding someone who makes you genuinely happy?
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5. Your idea of closure is a dramatic final confrontation.
Hoping for a movie-worthy screaming match might be tempting, but it rarely leads to actual closure. Sometimes the healthiest ending is a quiet one. Instead of trying to get the last word in, write down all your angry feelings in a letter you never send – it can be cathartic without causing any more drama.
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6. You still have all their stuff (and refuse to give it back).
Holding on to their old hoodie “by accident” isn’t fooling anyone. Either return their things maturely, or donate them and move on. It might feel oddly satisfying to toss that ratty old sweatshirt directly into the donation bin. After all, research from the University of Chicago Booth School of Business (via ScienceDaily) shows that the old adage “out of sight, out of mind” really is true.
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7. You’re convinced they secretly want you back.
Interpreting every polite text as a sign of undying love is a recipe for disappointment. Respect their boundaries and let them live their life. They could just be trying to be civil, and your misinterpretations might make future interactions awkward for everyone involved.
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8. Drunk-texting them is a regular occurrence.
We all make the occasional late-night bad decision, but if it’s a habit, it’s time to delete their number (or at least block yourself after a certain hour). Those 2 a.m. “I miss you” texts never make anyone look good. The next morning’s cringe is practically guaranteed.
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9. You love playing the victim in your breakup story.
Some breakups are definitely uneven, but if you always cast yourself as the innocent victim in every relationship, it might be time for some introspection. It takes two to tango, and blaming everything on your ex is preventing you from seeing your own patterns and making different choices in the future.
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10. You refuse to apologize – even when you’re clearly wrong.
Everyone messes up. Owning your mistakes is part of being a mature adult. If a sincere apology is beyond you, your ex is better off without you. Plus, a heartfelt “I was wrong” can do wonders for your own conscience.
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11. You’re threatened by every person they date.
Feeling a twinge of jealousy is normal. However, actively trying to undermine their new relationships is toxic and keeps you stuck in the past. Focus on your own life and maybe even try making new friends – chances are they won’t also be dating your ex.
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12. You think staying friends right after a breakup is possible.
In some cases, it can work down the line. That being said, demanding immediate friendship usually just adds extra pain, especially if one person isn’t fully over it. Give yourself time and space to actually heal before even considering a platonic friendship, Psychology Today suggests.
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13. You threaten to expose their secrets.
This is emotional blackmail, plain and simple. Using their vulnerabilities against them shows a major lack of respect. If you have to stoop to threats you probably shouldn’t be in contact with them at all.
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14. You brag about “winning” the breakup.
If you’re so focused on keeping score about who got the better apartment or moved on faster, you haven’t actually moved on at all. True healing is about focusing on your own well-being, not obsessing about how your ex is doing.
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15. You guilt-trip them to get your way.
Phrases like “after everything I did for you…” are manipulative. Mature relationships don’t involve keeping tabs on past favors. Let go of the past and stop expecting them to cater to your needs just because they used to date you.
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16. You expect them to drop everything whenever you’re upset.
Your feelings matter, but so does their time and space. Breakups don’t mean they’re permanently on-call for your emotional crises. Lean on your friends for support, and try journaling to work through your emotions – it’s way healthier than expecting your ex to act as an unpaid therapist.
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17. You think moving on means getting into a new relationship ASAP.
Rebound relationships can be tempting, but using someone new to numb the pain is unfair to them. Take the time to heal before jumping back in. Focusing on building a healthy relationship with yourself is the best way to set yourself up for a successful partnership in the future.
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18. You refuse to take any responsibility for the relationship ending.
Every breakup involves two people. If you see your own actions as completely blameless, you’re missing the chance to learn and grow. Even if your ex was mostly at fault, reflecting on your own role can help avoid repeating the same mistakes again.
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