Navigating your adult relationship with your parents is complicated for everyone, even when things are mostly okay. Whether you want a deeper connection or you’re struggling to overcome past hurts, these subtle and shifts in your behavior can make a big difference to how you interact. It’s about respecting your parent(s), setting healthy boundaries, and protecting your emotional peace.
1. Bring a sibling to family events
Don’t bear the weight of the world on your shoulders by yourself. If you need a wingman for the first few times you check back in with your parents, embrace that support. They will take the pressure off you and make things a bit less awkward.
2. Start saying no, but be willing to explain yourself
Defensiveness is one of the strongest responses that a parent can bring out in their adult child, whether it’s a poorly phrased question or an inappropriate comment. If you don’t want to hang out with them, don’t. Say “no” and explain why you feel the way you do. By being truthful, you can (hopefully) avoid conflict.
3. Call them once a week
It can be any regular check-in time that works for you so that you don’t feel like they could call at any minute and stress you out. Often, if people don’t have a standard time they know to call, the random call times always fall during busy or stressful moments, and that isn’t the foundation for a quality conversation. Set your schedule and you’ll actually be able to look forward to the calls.
4. Don’t linger on what they might be thinking
Parents can be toxic in their own right, but don’t project onto them your own preconceptions about what they’re thinking. Take things at face value. If your stubborn parents look to have turned over a new leaf, believe them. Sometimes you have to be willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.
5. Have conversation topics in mind
If talking with your family stresses you out or if you worry that you’re going to be forced to talk about something you’re uncomfortable with, then come prepared. By having a few anecdotes or updates to anchor your conversation with, you take back control. It also means you can steer convos away from things you’d really rather not discuss.
6. Unpack your own defensiveness
Defensiveness comes from years of them judging your choices, so don’t blame yourself. You will, however, have to spend time with yourself, friends, or therapists to unpack some of the trauma responses. This will give you a clean slate and stop defensiveness from being your immediate response when engaging with your parents. Defensiveness is a terrible response in any relationship.
7. Explain what you need from them
It would be great if parents could magically read their children’s minds. Sadly, that’s not the case, and that’s why communication is so important. If you’re ranting to them about your job and they start recalling how they had to just ‘stick it out’, remind them that you’re choosing to talk to them because you want to rant, not because you want lectures. This will prevent you from snapping at each other.
8. Pick up the bill here and there
Sometimes, the implied financial superiority of parents can be a constant reminder of how things used to be when you were younger. Demonstrate your maturity and status as a complex adult by picking up the tab here and there. They’ll respect you a lot more for it.
9. Equalize the parent/child dynamic
The ‘parent-child’ dynamic is best suited to when you’re very young and need to be taught about the world. Now that you’re exploring by yourself, you should remind your parents that it’s natural to have a different type of relationship. Yes, they have more experiences than you, but they’re also getting older. In many ways, they need you now more than ever.
10. If their views make you uncomfortable, step away
Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to like their opinions. If you don’t recognize the environment you grew up in, or if you’ve done a lot of work escaping that, don’t be afraid to step away. It’s important to give parents who have been toxic a second chance, but don’t waste your time.
11. Give them a chance to explain themselves
Don’t let the barriers you had to put up to protect yourself previously remain there. They were necessary at the time, sure, but it’s important to be vulnerable and learn more about your parents’ side of the matter.
12. Open yourself up to educating them
It doesn’t have to be your responsibility if they resist change, but you’re not selling yourself out by giving them a few resources. We weren’t all born perfect overnight — self-improvement has always been and will always be a journey. Allow them to educate themselves.
13. Ask your sibling about their relationship with them
If you’re feeling like you’re stuck in the same mental cycle, talk to your siblings. They have a parallel experience and it can help you process a toxic childhood together.
14. Ask your parents about their own parents
It can be interesting to demystify a toxic parental style by seeing where it came from. By getting your parents to reflect on their own past, it may prompt them to see patterns in their own lives as well.
15. Widen your resource net
If you’re feeling like you need more support, then draw on the research that is available in your local library or ask a friend for a good therapist recommendation. This will get you out of your own head.
16. Know that they generally mean well
That your parents care about you even as they may hurt you is a pill that will always be hard to swallow. Assuming they are well-meaning, many parents will simply not have been brought up with a proper language to use to express themselves. Hopefully, with your support, that can change.
17. Meet other people’s parents for context
Maybe it will help learn more communication skills by meeting your partner’s parents. It might be intimidating, yes, but it’s good research!
