Becoming parents is one of the most profound transformations a couple can go through. It’s beautiful, rewarding, and deeply fulfilling—but it’s also exhausting, stressful, and full of challenges no one warns you about. No matter how strong your relationship was before kids, the constant demands of parenting can take a quiet but undeniable toll on your marriage. Between sleepless nights, financial strain, and the never-ending mental load, many couples find themselves feeling more like co-parents than romantic partners. The tricky thing is, these changes don’t always happen overnight. Little by little, the foundation of your relationship can start to crack, not because you don’t love each other, but because there’s simply no time or energy left to nurture your marriage.
1. You Start Keeping Score Instead Of Working As A Team
Before kids, it was easy to feel like equals in your relationship. But once parenting responsibilities kick in, many couples start keeping a mental tally of who’s doing more—who got up with the baby last night, who changed the most diapers, who’s handling more of the household chores. When both partners feel overworked and underappreciated, resentment grows, and instead of supporting each other, you start competing over who has it harder. According to Psychology Today, couples who engage in “score-keeping” behavior are more likely to experience marital dissatisfaction and instability. The research suggests that focusing on teamwork rather than tallying contributions leads to healthier relationships.
To break this cycle, stop looking at your marriage as a 50/50 split—it’s about teamwork, not scorekeeping. Instead of pointing out what your partner isn’t doing, express gratitude for what they are doing. If something feels unfair, talk about it with the goal of finding a solution rather than proving a point. A marriage isn’t about keeping things perfectly balanced at all times—it’s about showing up for each other in ways that matter.
2. Conversations Revolve Around The Kids Instead Of Each Other
Before kids, you could talk for hours about anything—your dreams, work, the latest Netflix show, or what you wanted to do over the weekend. Now, most of your conversations are about the kids, and while that’s natural, it can slowly push your personal connection to the back burner. You find yourself discussing doctor’s appointments, school schedules, and behavioral challenges instead of checking in on each other. Over time, the lack of personal, adult conversations can make you feel more like coworkers managing a household rather than romantic partners. According to Psychology Today, mothers handle 71 percent of household mental load tasks, which can lead to increased stress and strain on relationships.
To repair this, be intentional about having conversations that don’t involve the kids. Set aside time each day—even just ten minutes—to ask about each other’s feelings, goals, and interests. Discuss things that have nothing to do with parenting, whether it’s a book you’re reading, a personal project, or a funny memory from before kids. These moments remind you that your relationship is about more than just raising children—it’s about the deep friendship and connection that brought you together in the first place.
3. Date Nights Become A Distant Memory
Before kids, planning a date night was effortless—dinners out, spontaneous weekend getaways, or just relaxing together on the couch felt like second nature. But once children enter the picture, romance often gets pushed aside for bedtime routines, meal prep, and sheer exhaustion. Many couples go months or even years without dedicating time to just being a couple, and that lack of one-on-one time chips away at intimacy. When you stop prioritizing each other, resentment and emotional distance start creeping in. The Institute for Family Studies says that going on regular date nights when children are young can reduce the risk of splitting up by 20%.
Bringing back date nights doesn’t mean you need elaborate, expensive plans—it just means carving out intentional time together. If you can’t get a babysitter, set up a home date night after the kids go to sleep. Cook a special meal together, watch a movie, or simply sit outside and talk. Even small moments of uninterrupted connection help remind you why you fell in love in the first place.
4. Physical Affection Starts To Feel Awkward
At the beginning of your relationship, affection was effortless—hand-holding, stolen kisses, and long hugs were just part of everyday life. But after kids, exhaustion, stress, and the constant presence of little ones make physical touch far less frequent. You might go days without hugging or kissing, and when you finally realize it, you start to feel like distant roommates rather than lovers. Over time, this lack of touch creates an emotional gap, making it even harder to feel close. According to Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, couples who touch each other more tend to be happier in their relationships.
Reintroducing physical affection doesn’t have to be complicated. Start with small gestures—a quick kiss before leaving the house, a hand on the back as you pass by, or a five-second hug when you reunite after a long day. Even non-sexual touch builds intimacy and reinforces your connection. The more you make an effort to be physically affectionate, the more natural it will feel again.
5. The Mental Load Becomes One-Sided
In many marriages, one partner (often the mom) carries the invisible weight of keeping the household and family running. From remembering doctor’s appointments and school schedules to buying birthday gifts and managing daily logistics, this “mental load” can feel overwhelming. If one partner feels like they’re doing all the unseen work, resentment builds quickly. This can lead to constant frustration, feeling unappreciated, and even questioning whether the marriage is a true partnership.
The first step to fixing this is making the invisible visible. Have an open conversation about all the unseen tasks that need to be managed and find ways to divide responsibilities more fairly. A shared calendar, a weekly check-in, or even just acknowledging and appreciating each other’s contributions can help. When both partners feel like they’re in it together, the emotional weight becomes lighter, and the resentment starts to fade.
6. Sleep Deprivation Makes You Both Short-Tempered
Sleep deprivation is one of the most underrated stressors in a marriage. When both partners are running on empty, patience wears thin, minor annoyances become major fights, and misunderstandings escalate quickly. A snippy comment that would have once been brushed off suddenly feels like a personal attack when you’re functioning on three hours of sleep.
While you can’t always control how much sleep you get with young kids, you can be more mindful of how exhaustion impacts your interactions. Give each other grace, take turns letting one another sleep in, and avoid deep discussions when you’re both overtired. Prioritizing rest—even in small ways—helps you both show up as better partners and parents.
7. Your Intimate Relationship Takes a Hit
Physical intimacy is often one of the first things to suffer after having kids. Between exhaustion, hormonal shifts, body changes, and the sheer lack of privacy, sex can start to feel like a distant memory. Even if both partners want to reconnect, the timing never seems right, and eventually, the lack of intimacy becomes the new normal. The problem is, the longer you go without prioritizing intimacy, the harder it becomes to bring it back.
To rebuild physical connection, take the pressure off “sex” itself and focus on intimacy in smaller ways first. Cuddle on the couch, exchange flirty texts, or take showers together. The more you create opportunities for physical closeness, the more natural it will feel to move toward deeper intimacy. Don’t wait until the moment feels perfect—make the effort, even if it’s just baby steps.
8. Your Parenting Styles Start Clashing
No matter how aligned you thought you were before having kids, once real-life parenting starts, differences in discipline, boundaries, and expectations can lead to serious conflict. One of you might be stricter while the other is more relaxed, or you might have different ideas about screen time, chores, or emotional support. Over time, these differences can create tension and make you feel like you’re on opposite teams instead of working together.
The key is to have open, ongoing conversations about your parenting values and find common ground. Instead of criticizing each other in the moment, schedule time to discuss how you want to handle specific parenting challenges. Compromise where you can and agree to back each other up, even when you don’t fully agree. Kids thrive when they see a united front, and your marriage will too.
9. Financial Stress Increases Tension
Kids are expensive—there’s no way around it. From daycare costs to medical bills to endless grocery runs, the financial strain of raising children can add a new layer of stress to your marriage. If money was already a point of tension before kids, those stressors will only grow, making arguments about spending, saving, and budgeting more frequent.
Instead of avoiding money conversations or letting resentment build, sit down together regularly to go over finances. Set a budget, create shared financial goals, and make sure you’re both on the same page about big expenses. When both partners feel involved in financial decisions, it reduces tension and creates a sense of teamwork rather than stress.
10. Your Identities Get Lost In Parenthood
Before kids, you were both individuals with unique interests, hobbies, and personal goals. But once parenting takes over, it’s easy to lose yourself in the role of “Mom” or “Dad.” If one or both of you feel like your entire identity revolves around raising children, it can create a sense of emotional emptiness and disconnect.
Encourage each other to maintain personal interests outside of parenting. Support your partner in carving out time for their hobbies, friendships, and personal growth. Whether it’s taking a class, joining a group, or just setting aside time to read a book, prioritizing your individuality makes you a stronger person and a better partner.
11. Emotional Connection Takes A Backseat
Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy, but when you’re caught up in the daily grind of parenting, deeper conversations often get replaced with logistics and surface-level exchanges. Over time, this lack of emotional connection can make you feel distant, even if you’re physically present in the same space.
To repair this, make a habit of checking in with each other on a deeper level. Ask How are you really feeling? What’s been on your mind lately? Make eye contact, put your phones down, and listen. Even short, meaningful conversations can bring you closer and remind you that your marriage is about more than just raising kids together.
12. You Stop Laughing And Having Fun Together
Before kids, you probably had plenty of inside jokes, playful teasing, and moments of spontaneous fun. But when life becomes a constant cycle of responsibilities, laughter often disappears, replaced by stress and exhaustion. Without realizing it, you may have stopped having fun together entirely, making your relationship feel heavier than it needs to be.
Make an effort to bring laughter back into your marriage. Watch a comedy, share funny memes, reminisce about hilarious memories, or even have a silly dance party in the kitchen. Laughter strengthens connection, relieves stress, and reminds you that marriage doesn’t have to be all serious business.
13. A Lack Of Freedom Breeds Resentment
Having kids means sacrificing certain freedoms—spontaneous travel, late nights out, or even just a quiet morning alone. While these changes are expected, if one partner feels like they’ve given up more than the other, resentment can build. Over time, this can lead to feelings of bitterness and even disengagement from the relationship.
Acknowledging these feelings is the first step. Have an honest discussion about what each of you misses from your pre-kid life and find ways to reintroduce small pockets of freedom. Taking turns giving each other alone time, planning occasional child-free outings, or simply making space for personal hobbies can help restore balance.
14. The Friendship Fades
At the heart of every strong marriage is a solid friendship. Before kids, you were partners, best friends, and confidants. But if the demands of parenting have made your relationship feel more like a business arrangement, that friendship can start to fade. When you stop enjoying each other’s company, it’s easy to feel like you’re just coexisting instead of truly connecting.
To rebuild the friendship, focus on doing things that remind you why you liked each other in the first place. Send a random text during the day, surprise each other with small gestures, or plan an activity you both genuinely enjoy. Friendship is the foundation of love—when you nurture it, the entire relationship benefits.
