Arguments are a normal part of relationships, but how you handle them makes a huge difference. Emotionally intelligent people know that certain behaviors only make things worse. By avoiding these common pitfalls, you can have more productive disagreements that resolve the issue, not just hurt feelings.
1. Making it personal
Emotionally intelligent people don’t let arguments turn into personal attacks. They know the difference between “that thing you did sucks” and “you suck.” Focusing on the specific problem makes it way easier to find a fix, instead of just trading insults. They remember that even when they’re angry, they still care about the other person.
2. Bringing up the past
Emotionally intelligent people don’t play the “remember that one time you messed up…” game during arguments. They understand that bringing up the past is just a way to stir up drama, not actually solve anything. They stay focused on the problem at hand and prioritize finding a way to move on, rather than rehashing old grudges.
3. Needing to be “right”
Emotionally intelligent people don’t have to always be right. They actually listen to their partner and try to see things from their side. Maybe the best solution is a compromise, or even just agreeing that you both see things differently. They realize that being stubborn just for the sake of winning can hurt the relationship way more than the disagreement itself.
4. Yelling or name-calling
They don’t say mean things just to hurt the other person, even when they’re really angry. Emotionally intelligent people know insults make everything worse, and that words leave scars. If things are getting heated, they’re not afraid to take a break and come back to the conversation when everyone’s calmed down. Using respectful language in the heat of the moment shows they’re invested in the relationship, not just scoring points in an argument.
5. Giving the silent treatment
Emotionally intelligent people don’t weaponize silence. Giving the silent treatment is childish and just makes things worse in the long run. They might need a few minutes to chill out, but they always come back willing to work things out. They understand that sometimes the most important conversations are also the hardest.
6. Making threats or ultimatums
They don’t make threats to get their way in an argument. Using ultimatums like “or else!” just destroys trust. They want to find solutions that work for both people, not win at all costs. They understand that healthy relationships are about partnership, not power plays.
7. Playing the blame game
Emotionally intelligent people can admit when they’re wrong. A sincere apology goes a long way in de-escalating a fight. It shows they care more about fixing the problem than being right all the time. Owning up to their mistakes makes the other person feel respected and more likely to lower their defenses too.
8. Expecting mind-reading
They don’t expect their partner to be a mind-reader. Instead of getting mad that their partner didn’t do something they “should have known,” they say what they need directly, and without blame. They use “I” statements like “I feel hurt when…” and explain what changes they’d like to see. That makes it way easier to find solutions together.
9. Invalidating the other person’s feelings
Emotionally intelligent people never tell their partner their feelings are wrong. Even if they don’t get it, they acknowledge that their partner’s emotions are real. Dismissing those feelings makes everything worse. They focus on understanding why their partner feels the way they do, which is essential for finding a solution that truly honors both perspectives.
10. Interrupting or talking over their partner
They actually listen, not just wait for their turn to talk. They try to understand their partner’s perspective, even if they disagree. They know that feeling truly heard makes the other person way more likely to compromise and work towards a solution.
11. Generalizing with “always” and “never”
Emotionally intelligent people don’t throw around words like “always” or “never.” Those exaggerations just make their partner defensive. They stick to the problem at hand, and use specific examples like, “It bothered me when you did this…” This keeps the conversation focused on finding a solution instead of blaming each other for past behavior.
12. Jumping to conclusions
They don’t assume the worst about their partner’s intentions. Instead of mind-reading, they ask clarifying questions like, “What did you mean by that?” or “Help me understand where you’re coming from.” Misunderstandings easily fuel conflict, so seeking clarity instead of assumptions paves the way toward resolution.
13. Using sarcasm or hurtful humor
Emotionally intelligent people don’t make mean jokes during arguments, even if they’re “just kidding.” Those little digs hurt, and make things way worse. They try to be extra kind, because they know even minor jabs feel awful when someone’s already upset.
14. Bringing other people into it
Emotionally intelligent people don’t trash-talk their partners to friends and family. Complaining behind their back might feel good for a minute, but it only makes the situation worse. They handle things directly with the person they have the problem with because that’s the only way to actually solve it.
15. Holding grudges
Emotionally intelligent people don’t hold grudges forever. Once they’ve resolved the issue, they let it go. Harboring resentment makes it impossible to move on. They understand that everyone messes up sometimes, and focus on the bigger picture of their relationship.
16. Storming out dramatically
While sometimes a break is needed, they communicate this clearly instead of disappearing. They might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a break, let’s talk about this later.” Walking away without explanation breeds insecurity and prevents the issue from being addressed in a healthy way.
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