Everyone has different ways of dealing after a breakup, and what worked the last time you had your heart broken may have no potency this time around. While you know you need time to heal, sometimes it’s more tempting to jump right back in the saddle and move on with someone new. Sounds good in theory, but in reality, if you move on too soon, comes with some negative consequences.
You don’t process anything and end up crying in your wine.
Taking time to process what you’ve been through and really feel your feelings after a breakup is important. If you jump right back into things because you’re trying to avoid the sad thoughts that come with being on your own, you might think you’re escaping the worst of it, but obviously that’s not the case. The odds are good that eventually, those thoughts will come out whether you like it or not — likely the next time you’ve had one too many glasses of wine.
You complicate things by jumping into bed with someone else.
No one’s judging anyone here — you’re obviously free to sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want. Just make sure it is actually what you want to do, not just what you’re feeling compelled to do by your loneliness. You don’t need to add any more regrets to your already complicated life state.
It makes it very easy to run for the wrong reasons.
Jumping from one person’s arms to the next is a very effective way to keep yourself from developing deep and meaningful relationships (or as you’re probably telling yourself, to keep yourself from getting screwed over again). But sometimes you run for the wrong reasons from the right people, and if you move on too quickly, you won’t even have the time to notice if you actually missed out on something amazing.
You don’t give yourself time to heal.
It goes without saying that if you don’t take any downtime between relationships, your broken heart is going to have a whole lot of trouble being put back together. Since you’ve “moved on,” you’ll be trying to stuff any emotions that come up and call it “baggage” instead. Everyone knows not to take baggage into new relationships, but you’re also not supposed to take open wounds into new relationships either.
You can’t forget about your ex no matter how many new guys you date.
Try launching from a breakup from someone you loved into a new relationship with someone that you definitely don’t. It doesn’t usually go well. No matter how cute the new guy is, he won’t be distracting enough for you to completely forget about the last one.
More reasons you shouldn’t be in a hurry to move on
It’s impossible not to make direct comparisons.
You might even end up thinking about your ex even more than you would if you were trying to distract yourself with tennis or something because it’s literally impossible not to make direct comparisons when you move on quickly. Ben would have never have spilled that milk. Ben would be making me laugh right now. I like Ben’s skin better.
You end up leading the new guy on.
Even if you’re fine while you’re sitting there noting comparisons in your head and basically listing out all the things you don’t like about this new guy, he doesn’t know that. He probably doesn’t deserve it either and you could totally end up leading him on.
You might consider going back to your ex.
Moving on means getting involved with other men, and when you do it too fast, they’re bound to disappoint you. It’s not possible to be completely open if your heart is shut down, nor is it likely to have equally serious feelings to two people at once. This disappointment might make you think that you should give your ex another try because there’s clearly no one better out there. Except that there probably is — you just haven’t spent enough time being ready for him.
You might seem insensitive to your ex.
If you move on immediately and make the news known by spreading the word or posting to social media, you ex might think you’re a real heartless bitch. Even if he does deserve to have your newfound happiness rubbed in his face, if you cared about him at all, ever you probably don’t actually want to hurt him.
Other people won’t buy the new relationship.
When you move on too quickly from a relationship, your friends, family, and any other onlookers aren’t really going to buy the authenticity of your new relationship. Maybe that’s their problem, and maybe you really did meet a great guy right away — but you also might have to be patient while they adjust to the change.
Some facts about breakups that might help you move on in a healthy way
While you might be so tempted to avoid the pain of your breakup by trying to move on as soon as possible, doing so will only derail your long-term progress. Here are some interesting facts to keep in mind about breakups that should help you as you begin to heal.
Pretty much everyone has an identity crisis after a breakup.
If you feel really lost after you end your relationship, you’re not alone. A study published in Personality and Psychology Bulletin revealed that the more serious your relationship was, the higher your chances are of feeling like a completely different person after it ends. “We know that relationships change the way we think about ourselves,” says lead author Erica Slotter, a psychology Ph.D. candidate at Northwestern University in Illinois. “When a relationship ends, that sense of self ends.” It will get better – but not if you move on too quickly.
Getting over your ex is like trying to break a drug addiction.
It’s no wonder you go through severe symptoms of withdrawal after ending a relationship — it affects the same areas of the brain as drugs. “Love is a natural, positive addiction,” explains Dr. Lucy Brown, a clinical professor of neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. “But the symptoms of heartbreak, such as cravings and emotional and physical dependence, are similar to drug withdrawal.”
Obsessing over your ex may actually help you move on faster.
While you might think it’s holding you back, talking and thinking about your ex can help you process your feelings in a healthy way and therefore move on more quickly, according to a 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science.
The heartbreak of a breakup can feel physical.
While it’d be better if you could just move on and avoid the discomfort of heartbreak altogether, that’s not always possible — and it can be incredibly painful. Researchers at the University of Amsterdam discovered that the pain of breakups can affect the parasympathetic nervous system and could slow your heart rate or cause digestion issues.
Women tend to move on faster than men.
While you might assume that your ex-boyfriend is living it up and is totally over you within days or weeks of the breakup, that doesn’t mean it’s true deep inside. Studies show that women tend to make a full recovery from a failed relationship faster than men, who tend to suffer more long-term. In other words, stay strong. You will move on, you just have to give it time.