We all know those people who seem to have it all together. They’re the pillars of strength, always pushing forward, never letting anything get them down. But sometimes, that unbreakable exterior can mask deep-seated pain and unresolved trauma. Here are some subtle signs to look for.
1. They’re relentlessly positive.
They refuse to acknowledge negativity, even when it’s warranted. Forced positivity isn’t strength, it’s avoidance. Suppressing negative feelings can create inner turmoil and damage their ability to process difficult experiences in a healthy way. It’s okay to feel the full range of human emotions – sadness, disappointment, and anger are natural parts of life. Acknowledging them is essential for true healing.
2. They’re always striving for perfection.
They hold themselves to impossible standards and never feel good enough, no matter how much they accomplish. Perfectionism can stem from a fear of failure and a deep need for control. It may even be a trauma response aimed at preventing future hurt or criticism. Learning to embrace imperfection and celebrating small wins can help them loosen that need for control and build a healthier sense of self-worth.
3. They have a superhero complex.
Sometimes, parents are too good at being selfless. They put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own, always sacrificing and neglecting themselves. While this sounds nice in theory, it’s actually not sustainable. This behavior might mean they have trouble saying “no,” or they don’t feel like they deserve to take care of themselves. But the truth is, you can’t help others if you’re running on empty. Taking care of yourself isn’t a luxury, it’s how you refill that well so you can keep on giving.
4. They find it hard to express their feelings.
They may seem distant or emotionally unavailable, unable to open up. Vulnerability can be terrifying for someone carrying deep emotional wounds. They might have learned to shut down to protect themselves from further pain. Starting with small acts of vulnerability, like sharing with one friend that they trust, and working with a therapist can help them slowly rebuild their ability to connect with others emotionally.
5. They’re workaholics.
Some people are workaholics, but it’s not always about being ambitious. Sometimes, they’re using their job as a way to avoid facing difficult emotions or problems in their personal life. Staying constantly busy feels safer than sitting with uncomfortable feelings. It’s a good idea to encourage healthy distractions – hobbies, time outside, working out – anything that helps them relax without feeling overloaded by their own thoughts.
6. They can never relax.
They always need to be busy, which might make them seem “high-energy”. But sometimes, this behavior comes from past trauma. Their brain is stuck in “fight or flight” mode, constantly expecting something bad to happen. Learning relaxation techniques, like deep breathing or meditation, can help calm their nervous system and show them it’s okay to feel safe.
7. They struggle to get close to people.
They avoid close relationships or struggle with trust and vulnerability. Past pain can make letting other people get close feel terrifying. They might be scared of abandonment, rejection, or repeating unhealthy patterns from the past. Building healthy relationships takes time and effort. With patience and support, they can learn to trust again and experience the joy of deep connection.
8. They have an awful fear of failure.
They’re downright terrified of messing up, to the point that they never take risks or try new things because they’re so afraid of failing. This often stems from past experiences that made them feel like bad things are always waiting to happen. Gently remind them that mistakes are just part of life – everyone does it! Encourage little steps outside their comfort zone to show them that they can handle challenges and build resilience.
9. They have a lot of intense emotional outbursts.
They seem to fly off the handle over seemingly small things. Unresolved trauma can make it hard to regulate emotions. Seemingly minor triggers can cause intense feelings that feel disproportionate to the situation. Learning to recognize triggers and developing healthy coping mechanisms can empower them to manage their emotional responses more effectively.
10. They abuse alcohol or drugs.
They might turn to substances to numb emotional pain. While it might offer temporary relief, substance abuse only worsens the problem in the long run. Trauma survivors are at greater risk of addiction as they seek an escape. Choosing therapy or other healthier coping mechanisms will provide long-term healing and prevent further problems.
11. They dissociate a lot.
They zone out, feel detached from their body, or can’t remember things. Dissociation is a coping mechanism the brain can use to disconnect from overwhelming experiences. It might be a response to past trauma or intense current stress. If they’re experiencing dissociation, professional support is crucial to help them process the underlying trauma and learn to stay grounded.
12. They blame themselves for everything.
They automatically shoulder responsibility for everything that goes wrong. Survivors often internalize blame as a way to make sense of senseless events. This guilt is incredibly heavy to carry and erodes their sense of self-worth. Therapy can help them challenge these distorted thoughts and cultivate a more compassionate inner voice.
13. They have serious control issues.
They need rigid control over their environment and routines to feel okay. When trauma shatters your sense of safety, a focus on control can be an attempt to regain power over your life. The unpredictability of life can feel especially threatening. Small acts of releasing control, coupled with self-compassion, can help them navigate the world with less anxiety.
14. They’re always in some kind of pain.
They experience unexplained pain, tension, or frequent health issues. Trauma lives in the body. Unprocessed emotional pain can manifest as physical symptoms, an indication that the body carries the burden of their experiences. Mind-body therapies, along with addressing possible medical issues, can offer them relief and a more holistic path to healing.
15. They’re often in denial about how they really feel.
You ask how they’re doing, and they insist, “I’m fine!” even when you can tell they’re not. Denying pain is common after something traumatic, especially if they don’t feel ready to process those emotions. It’s best to respect their need for space, while still gently expressing that you’re there for them and offering resources (therapy, support groups, etc.) when they might be ready for help.
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