While being a matchmaker means that I have the pleasure of meeting hundreds of fantastic gentlemen, I also interact with a lot of basic bros and hear plenty of nonsense. Here are some of the things toxic guys say and what they mean so you can stop wasting your time.
- “Are you on the pill?” What they really mean is, “Is there a chance I will be able to get away with unprotected sex in the near future?” This guy has a lot of unprotected sex. Proceed with caution.
- “Let’s see what happens.” This is basically code for, “I’m currently unavailable for a relationship, but I would like to see how much sex I can get from you. If you withhold sex, I may end up agreeing to a relationship later down the line. ” Alternatively, “I’m seeing a few different women and I’m not willing to pick you right now, but I also don’t want to let you go.”
- “I’m looking for more than just sex, but not exactly a relationship.” In other words, “I want all of the benefits of a relationship but none of the responsibility.” Too many guys out there want someone to be their therapist, mother, and consistent source of kinky sex but they’re not willing to commit, provide you with security, or even reciprocate the emotional support. Some very dangerous guys even enjoy playing boyfriend. They might take you out on nice dates, unload their emotional trauma, talk about introducing you to the family, and take you on romantic getaways. The, the moment you mention future plans or a relationship, they bolt, making you feel like you were out of your mind for thinking something more serious was happening. If you find yourself in an almost relationship, walk away. Almost just isn’t good enough.
- “I want someone down to earth.” Oh, come on. More like, “I want someone who doesn’t take her standards seriously. I want someone who won’t make me feel bad for my many failings or expect me to be better. I want someone who will always have a great attitude and go down on me no matter how terribly I have behaved.” Mmm, that would be nice, wouldn’t it? Sorry guys, to get that you’ll either have to date someone significantly younger than you with no self-respect or wait until dating robots are a thing.
- “You are so sensitive.” One of the most obnoxiously toxic things guys say. What he means is, “I don’t have the energy or emotional intelligence to process your feelings, so I’m going to make you feel guilty for presenting me with something I don’t understand.” When basic guys feel inadequate, their go-to move is to belittle you. A real man will appreciate the challenge to be a better person, but a lot of guys will just try to shame you into silence so they can return to their false sense of power and superiority.
- “This was never a problem with my ex.” “I’ve never dated a girl who held me accountable to my actions, so why are you?” Being a mature adult is a lot of work. It requires examining your own actions and faults, which can be pretty painful. If guys have gotten used to girls who don’t challenge them to be better or hold them accountable, many of them aren’t going to choose to be with someone who makes them work for it. So what’s the answer? We as women have to collectively hold men to a higher standard and call them out on their BS, whether it’s directed at us or someone else. We also have to educate our younger sisters so they don’t put themselves through the same crap we did or enable the guys we’ve rejected.
- “You’re overreacting and being nuts. Are you on your period?” Ugh. “I like danger and playing with fire. I am daring you to go into a blind rage and pull a Lorena Bobbitt on me.” This is a guy with no emotional intelligence, no respect for your feelings, and probably not too much experience with women. This question doesn’t deserve a response. Instantly walk away, delete his number, and block him on social media. Get in your car (resist the urge to plow through his living room) and drive directly to your nearest coven to cast a spell on him.
- “I don’t like going down on girls.” “I’m a selfish bastard with no sexual charisma. Please break up with me and date someone who knows how to give you multiple orgasms.” Life is too short and too stressful to date a guy who doesn’t think dining on you rivals every Michelin-starred restaurant in New York City. Whether it’s in the bedroom or not, date someone who proves to you every day that being with you is a privilege and an honor. As a matchmaker, I promise you that guy is out there—you just need patience, high standards, and maybe a little outside help to find him.