I Thought I Could Handle My Guy Being Best Friends With A Woman, But I Can’t

I Thought I Could Handle My Guy Being Best Friends With A Woman, But I Can’t ©iStock/gilaxia

When the guy I’m dating told me that his best friend is female, my heart sank. I really wish I could be cool with the idea of him hanging out with and being close to another woman and not let it get to me, but I just can’t. Here’s why I struggle with it so much:

  1. We’re always told that besties make the best couples. There’s that whole adage about how you should “marry your best friends” and movies often center on BFFs that become something much more. I get it — friendship serves as a solid foundation for a relationship… but that’s kind of exactly what I’m afraid of.
  2. A part of me will always wonder why they never got together. Had there never been a drunken night that resulted in them getting it on? Perhaps a holiday fling after one of them confessed their feelings? If they don’t have any romance in their past, I can’t help but worry it’s going to happen in future. God, I don’t need all that stress. It’s bad enough worrying that my BF will cheat with someone new, let alone someone he already knows.
  3. Their connection can be mistaken for romance. They obviously have a strong connection if they’re best friends. They love each other’s company and think in similar ways. They share the same humor and like the same things. Um, it’s not such a leap from this to romance, is it? Even if there is no romance, seeing their connection on fire is going to leave me unsettled.
  4. People will think they’re dating. I’ve been there — hanging out in public with a male best friend who random strangers or my other friends think I’m dating because we’re so in sync. If that’s happening with my BF and his female best friend, I can’t help but worry it’s going to play on their minds. Throw enough pasta at the wall and some sticks, you know?
  5. Friendship is one thing, but a best friendship is in a league of its own. It’s okay for a guy to have female friends — in fact, it can be good for him to know how to relate to women — but when he has a BEST friend who’s a woman, it’s on a whole other level. They’re so much closer and connected to each other and they’ll ensure they remain a big part of each other’s lives. It kind of makes me wonder if I’ll be squeezed out of the way.
  6. It’s stressful knowing that he’s confiding in another woman. For me, an emotional affair is when two people have emotional intimacy and closeness that puts their romantic relationships at a disadvantage. I know that if my BF is friends with another woman, it doesn’t mean that they’re in an emotional affair, but damn — if they’re chatting all the time and confiding in each other, it sure as hell starts to feel like it.
  7. The rules of lust are different for besties. When I meet someone new, I need to know that there’s physical chemistry, otherwise things aren’t going to work for us. Lust has to be there on some level, obviously, but the rules are different in close friendships. Best friends don’t rely on having that lust as an entree to something more. They have a strong emotional and mental bond happening for them, which can turn into physical chemistry at a later stage. One day, one of them might look at the other and think, “Why did I never realize they’re so hot?” or “I’d like to use this friendship to get them into bed.” Who knows what could happen?
  8. Their history is intimidating AF. So much has gone on between them: road trips, fun experiences at college, mutual friends that have come and gone, etc. It feels impossible to deal with all this as a newcomer, especially since it takes a while for me and my boyfriend to create memories of our own. I always feel like the third wheel when I’m out with them. At least if my guy’s got a male best friend, I don’t have to worry about competing with him or trying to figure out how they’re interacting to be sure nothing romantic is going on.
  9. The social media pictures of them are annoying. Social media makes guy-girl best friendships even more difficult for me to deal with. I log onto Facebook and see that my BF and his bestie are tagging each other in more pictures. It’s enough to create the illusion that something is happening between them, even if it isn’t, which can cause my jealousy to spike.
  10. I want to be his priority. It’s impossible to be the guy’s priority all the time when he’s got a female best friend. There will be times when he turns to her instead of me, like when we’re fighting and he wants female advice, or if she’s going through a tough time and he has to be there for her. These moments will definitely come up if they’re close friends… with me standing on the sidelines.
  11. I’ve lost faith in platonic friendships. I know it makes me sound cynical or bitter, but I’ve seen examples of how best friendships become romantic. I’ve experienced catching a bad case of the feels for a male best friend, and I’ve also seen lots of guys get with their female best friends – maybe not have romantic relationships with them but one-night stands or flings. So, although I’d like to think guys and women can be friends and nothing more, I still feel it’s not the norm.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.