He was unlike any guy I’d ever dated. Our first night out was magical and I actually wondered if he might be “The One.” Unfortunately, things started to go sour after a while and while I thought maybe he just wasn’t into me anymore, the truth was something I literally would have never guessed.
He was overly friendly with other women
. My first red flag was how he acted with other women. All of his friends were women and he would go shopping or out to eat with them as frequently as he hung out with me. At first I thought it was awesome that he was so comfortable just chilling with the gals but after a while, I started to feel neglected. It also highlighted the fact that our dating relationship didn’t seem any different than all his other female friendships.
He never complimented my appearance. I loved how my boyfriend always noticed my new dress or change in makeup. It made me feel like he really cared. However, after a while, I noticed an unsatisfying pattern. He would say my lipstick was pretty but never that I looked pretty. He’d compliment my dress but never how I looked in it. I wanted him to appreciate my appearance, not just my accessories, but it never happened. Did he just not find me attractive?
He never initiated sex. As our relationship continued, the fear that he wasn’t attracted to me grew. I appreciated that he was in it for more than just sex and I told myself that was more important than rushing. But things never seemed to move past the occasional make-out sesh. One night, at the end of a great date, I invited him inside and he declined for the millionth time. Was there something wrong with me or did he have some sort of religious reason for not wanting to be intimate? I asked and it was as if a switch flipped. We had awesome sex and the cuddles afterward were the icing on the cake! After that, I felt like everything would be different.
We had sex maybe once a month. Two weeks went by without a repeat performance. I immediately assumed he hated it. I began to realize I would literally have to ask if I wanted anything to happen. I started to ask him all the time if he liked it when we slept together or if he liked the way I was kissing him. He always said yes and eventually started to get frustrated about the constant questioning. Pretty soon, we were having arguments about our sex lives way more often than we were actually having sex!
It took him forever to orgasm. At first I was impressed with my boyfriend’s stamina, but what I thought was him being a considerate and talented lover I began to suspect was just an inability to get off. I could tell something wasn’t right but I thought that something was me. Was I boring or not sexy enough? Maybe his stamina was due to a lot of experience and he was used to more skilled lovers. That thought definitely didn’t make me feel great about myself! Or maybe he had a physical problem? There was no way in hell I was asking him that!
He never wanted to try anything new. I started researching all sorts of fun things to try in the bedroom. Armed with all my new info, lingerie, and sex positions, I began the task of revitalizing our sex life—not like there was much to save to begin with. You know what happened? Literally nothing. Other than a mild (and in retrospect, hilarious) freak-out at some of my kinkier ideas, there was absolutely no reaction. It was like he didn’t even notice. Then after several weeks, he gently confided that he really didn’t like all this new stuff and wanted to just “keep things simple.” Finally, a reaction! My friends knew something was up but I was too embarrassed to tell them what was really going on. I didn’t want anyone to know that my sweet, funny, smoking hot boyfriend hated sleeping with me!
He was way too friendly with my coworker. One night, all the clues clicked into place. My boyfriend brought along his usual girl posse and several of my coworkers tagged along. I was having a great night full of drinking and dancing when I looked over and saw my boyfriend practically sitting on top of this guy from my work. Now, I promise I’m not the psycho jealous girlfriend type, but the light bulb finally switched on. Could this explain everything?
I outright asked him if he was gay the following morning. The reaction was intense. One minute he was furious and the next he was crying, asking why I would ever ask that. He promised me that he could never be gay and that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. Still, I couldn’t forget what I had seen and my gut feeling just wouldn’t go away. A few weeks later, the same male coworker asked if he could grab a coffee with me. It turned out, he ran into my very drunk guy at a club a few nights previous. My boyfriend kissed him and things escalated from there. He begged my coworker not to tell anyone and claimed it was all an accident.
I broke up with him. I told my boyfriend I loved him and that wouldn’t change but this relationship wasn’t right for either of us. It wasn’t about him kissing my coworker, it was about why he did it. He cried and protested. He told me he loved me. It broke my heart in a way I have never experienced before or since.
Looking back, it makes me sad to realize how quick I was to be down on myself. I was so ready to find fault with myself that I was blind to the real issues. Meanwhile, that guy was so determined to ignore who he was that he was willing to sacrifice both his happiness and mine in the process. We haven’t spoken in ages, but I hope he’s happy and I hope he has learned to love all of himself like I’ve learned to love me.
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