I’m the one who’s been BFFs with your boyfriend since college, I have more guy friends than girlfriends, and I love action and sci-fi movies. Fart jokes make me laugh and football is life. I’m a total bro, and while I generally love it, it’s taking a serious toll on my love life.
- I’ve never been confident with guys. Growing up, I was the dorky, funny, chubby girl. Guys didn’t want to date me—they dated my friends. It was one of those things I had to suck up, so I learned ways to interact with guys that kept me relevant. Since I was chubby, I didn’t threaten other girls. Because I was funny, guys loved hanging out with me. I accepted my role with the opposite sex. Sure, crushing on my guy friends happened but I never had the guts to make a move. I friend-zoned myself.
- Guys like me now, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less awkward. Fast forward 10 years—I’m still dorky and funny but no longer chubby. People use the word “hot” to describe me, which is honestly uncomfortable because I don’t know how to be that girl. At least initially, guys don’t see me as just friend material anymore. Unfortunately, that hasn’t made my life any easier.
- I’m stuck in my self-made bro-hole. Outward appearances may change but the “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” saying is super freaking relevant. I’m stoked about looking dateable. My personality, however, is still hard-wired to friend-zone mode. I keep pigeonholing myself as one of the guys.
- Things are either hot or cold. I can either get myself laid or I get myself a new friend. There’s no happy middle ground. Let’s say I’m out at a club. If I don’t talk to the guy too much or act myself, I’m fine. But if we’re chilling, I’m metaphorically screwed because there’s no way the guy will ever see me as someone other than a cross-dressing bro.
- I’m also terrible at flirting. Spending my teenage and college-age years being super close with a bunch of guys was great. However, this meant I had close to zero practice with flirting. Being a New Yorker doesn’t help either. If you’ve ever met a New York woman, you know we’re mean. My NY flirting style is a 1-1-2 combo of sarcasm and poking fun. Some guys can’t take it. The other 98% of dudes are confused about whether or not I actually like them. It’s a lose-lose situation.
- I tend to freak guys out at first. An educated and attractive woman with a sense of humor who is into sports and actually relates to men is a hard find. I’m a unicorn, deal with it. Here’s the kicker: men have no clue what to do about me. When they finally figure it out, the time to make any kind of move has passed, leaving us as just friends until one of us dies. Great.
- My nervousness brings out the super bro. Talking to attractive guys makes me feel like puking. Seriously just shoots my nerves to hell. I basically black out and wake up in the friend zone. It’s a blind dumping of all my bro-ness; nothing but super word vomit of all the things I know they’ll like about me. There’s no flirting and I leave nothing up to the imagination. You get what you get.
- Guys get too damn comfortable with me. I click with men, but not on the level I want to. I’m not joking by saying I think fart jokes are funny. Stupid, gross stuff is amusing. They’ll publicly rip one and I’ll laugh with them. Guys will play their most degrading songs because they know I’ll rap along. They invite me to casually smoke cigars, drink whiskeys, and talk crap because they know I can hang. They’re not shy with telling their lewd jokes because I’ll play along. There are no barriers. Despite allowing those things that I know are romance killers to happen, I can’t help it. I am who I am.
- Going along with their nastiness screws me. Once upon a time, I was interested in a guy who seemed interested in me too. Wanting to know each other better, we met up. This should’ve made for an exciting and mysterious adventure, but my nervousness ruined it and my super bro came out. Long story short, by the end of the night we were cracking penis costume jokes. With him saying stuff like, “I can’t believe I’m saying this stuff to you right now!” and “You’re really cool. It’s pretty chill hanging out with you,” I knew I crossed into friend territory. Some days I wonder if laughing at penis jokes is my downfall.
- I know too much about guys. Getting myself friend-zoned all these years helped me learn a lot, like knowing just how hard guys try to impress girls or knowing how they feel when a girl rips apart something they’re passionate about. I help them work through how to verbally, mentally, and emotionally fix girl issues. What this boils down to is that by being just a friend, I know not to change. My love life may be shot to hell but I don’t want to be the girl driving guys insane or the girl pretending to not understand sports, hating on action movies, or only ordering salads on dates in an attempt to not seem like a human trash can. My friends dated those kinds of girls and their relationships didn’t last long.
