After Too Many Failed Relationships, I Realized I Was The Problem & Started Working On Myself

It took me a long to realize that the reason none of my dates were working out was that I had some serious issues. The good news is that I had the self-awareness to take action and make some serious changes.

  1. I’ve had a string of relationships that have fizzled out. None of my romantic relationships over the past few years have lasted. They’ve been about three to six weeks long, one after another. I’d get super excited about someone only to have it fizzle out after a few short weeks. It was pretty disappointing, leaving me feeling like there’s something wrong with me.
  2. I haven’t been in a long-term relationship for five years. I feel kind of crappy about this but I’m trying to be positive. The realization that I haven’t had a long-term, meaningful relationship in so long takes a toll on me. I feel like a loser but I know logically that there’s nothing wrong with being single or dating for as long as I have been. It doesn’t mean that I’m unloveable. It may, however, mean I can do some changing.
  3. I’m not beating myself up. Sure, I know I have some problems, but I’m genuinely a good person with good intentions deep down. I’m simply saying that things can and will change. I think it could be easy to go down the road of beating myself up but I’m just not going to do it. There’s no shame in having areas where I need to grow and I refuse to let negative self-talk ruin me.
  4. I have a lot of work to do. I’m far from perfect. I have a ton of past trauma I need to sort through, habits I need to unlearn, and changes I need to make. I’ve got my work cut out for me as far as self-growth is concerned and I don’t blame my problems on others. Instead, I’m taking control of my life and working on all of the stuff that’s dragging me down.
  5. I have many fears to face. Dating is so much about fear for me. I have fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, not being good enough, and not being extraordinary. These bedevilments drag me down, leaving me totally living in fear. It’s time to face them head on and see if I can conquer them… or at least learn to live with them.
  6. I’ve heard some of the same messages. More than one person has told me that I liked them more than they liked me and that I was too intense. When I heard these things from one person, I thought it may just be them, but when I heard it from multiple people, I realized it’s likely me. Discovering that the repetition means I’m the one who probably needs to change was very difficult but also quite fruitful.
  7. Sure, they had some part in it too. I’m not at all saying that the people that I dated had no part in our breakups. Sometimes it was totally mutual and even when it was all them doing the dumping, they still played some role in it. A relationship is made up of two people.
  8. I’m getting serious help. I go to a therapist who helps me work through some of the reasons that I do what I do. I have a meditation instructor who helps me apply Buddhist teachings to my love life. I go to a 12-step sex and love program that provides me with a ton of support as well as suggestions on how to live better, not to mention my friends, who give me feedback. I really need an army to heal my dating life. I can’t do this alone.
  9. I’m taking a break. Since I ran into all these problems, I’m realizing that I likely should just take a break from dating. Multiple friends had told me that I should and I wasn’t listening to them for a while. I’m finally ready to listen. I’m completely stopping dating. This means no dating apps and no accepting dates if someone asks me out. I’m not messing around with this break because I know it will heal me.
  10. Next time things will be different. Whenever I finally am ready to date again, which may not be for a while, I’m going to do things differently. My habits are going to have changed and my mindset will be totally different. I’ll be acting in ways I didn’t even know I was capable of, I really believe that. I trust in my ability to learn and grow as a human in relationships.
Ginelle has been writing professionally for more than six years and has a bachelor’s degree in digital marketing & design. Her writing has appeared on Birdie, Thought Catalog, Tiny Buddha and more. You can follow her on Instagram @ginelletesta, via her Facebook page, or through her website at