My ex and I were clearly not compatible but that didn’t keep me from trying to force things. Honestly, he was very attractive and this got me. It made me keep seeing him even though I was unhappy. I kept trying to end it but then we’d get back together. I knew we were stuck in a toxic loop, but I couldn’t get off the merry-go-round. It just hurt more in the end because we dragged it out. Never again!
I have a history of unhealthy relationships.
This wasn’t my first rodeo. I’d been stuck in toxic relationships in the past that repeated patterns over and over again. I was used to trying to force things to work when they clearly weren’t—this was just my most recent entanglement and hopefully my last.
He was really attractive.
I hate to admit how shallow this is, but it is. Part of the reason I stuck around was that I was so attracted to him. I wanted to show him off and enjoy him myself. Having him be so attractive made it that much harder to leave the situation. As bad as it sounds, when I tried to leave, I’d think about how hot he was and that stopped me.
I just wasn’t happy.
The truth of the matter was that I was deeply unhappy. We weren’t a match and we were making each other miserable. I found myself continually wishing that he was different, which only fed my unhappiness. You’d think I would have gotten out of there immediately, but I was too caught up in what could be to realize what was happening was a mess.
I kept having hope things would change.
As I was wanting things to be different, I was hoping that he’d change for me. I wanted to mold him into exactly what I idealized him to be. This isn’t how relationships work, it turns out. Nonetheless, when he called after I texted him about splitting up, he gave me false hope that what we had would evolve. In that moment, I believed him and so the forcing it continued.
We kept splitting then getting back together.
I knew we weren’t a match, so I’d tell him that it was over and I couldn’t do it anymore. He’d call me and tell me that he’d change. Maybe part of me believed I had the power to change him and part of me believed that he liked me enough to change. We were stuck in a toxic loop, trying to make it work.
I knew it was wrong but I forced it anyway.
Even though I had the intuition that this was definitely not what I should be doing, I disregarded that knowledge. Like trying to jam a square peg in a round hole, I attempted to make something work that wasn’t meant to be. Unsurprisingly, I just kept getting the same crappy results. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?
This relationship didn’t make it nearly as long as my others.
I’ve been in relationships like this for months, even years. Fortunately, this one only lasted a few weeks. That short amount of time was enough to rattle and hurt me. Even in a few weeks, we hurt each other more than I think both of us would have liked to.
I learned my lesson.
At least I sure hope that I did. I went through enough pain that I think I’m finally willing to not do that again. It’s not worth it! Learning lessons from toxic relationships is hard, but I’m grateful it sucked as much as it did otherwise I might still be in the situation.
I’m going to try to listen to my intuition from now on.
My gut or intuition knows when something isn’t right. It speaks to me very clearly, usually in the form of a gnawing feeling. It works really hard to communicate a message to me, but I can do an even better job at stuffing it down. I think now I’m really going to try to listen to that inner voice that knows better than me. Even when the answer doesn’t make logical sense, my gut knows.
I deserve for it to feel right.
Maybe most importantly, I deserve way better than the situation I was in. I’m not blaming him, I’m just saying that next time I should be with someone who wants to be with me and is a good fit. Why would I settle for anything less? I’m fabulous and have a lot to offer a person. I just have to stay out of those negative emotional entanglements and go for the good stuff.
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