In an ideal world, everyone would be emotionally well-adjusted and able to maintain healthy and supportive relationships, but that’s rarely the case. In reality, we sometimes have to deal with lovers, friends, coworkers, or even family members who are highly insecure. And instead of dealing with their issues, they lash out or engage in harmful and manipulative behaviors. Knowing some of the tricks that insecure people often use to put others down can help you identify when the mistreatment is happening and how to navigate it.
1. Turning everything into a competition
Insecure people may find your very existence threatening, even though you’ve done nothing but treat them respectfully and show up as yourself. They may interpret your confidence as pride and arrogance, and your kindness as thinking you’re better than them. This warped thinking pushes them to try to outdo you so they can feel superior.
2. Playing the victim
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To an insecure person, few things are ever just random. Any situation that leads to them feeling hurt in some way has to have been carefully orchestrated by someone. They’re happy to make themselves the victim in a story if it means they get to be the center of attention. By casting you or others in the role of a villain, they make the situation about them and their feelings, so rather than addressing the real issues at hand, you now have to spend the time apologizing and massaging their emotions.
3. Trying to control you
It’s human to worry about your relationships and losing the people you love. Instead of dwelling on these feelings, emotionally secure people can process this fear and accept that all they can do is trust that their partner truly cares about them and won’t abandon or hurt them for no reason. However, an insecure person might respond to their fear of abandonment by monitoring their partner’s every move and trying to restrict where they go, who they talk to, and what they’re allowed to do.
4. Resorting to bullying
When something triggers their sore spots, insecure people may attempt to take back control of the situation by bullying people so they appear powerful. Making others feel small gives them back the power they think they’ve lost. Sometimes, they might not even be bullying out of spite but as a defense mechanism. Maybe they’ve been bullied in the past and they’ve learned to survive by terrorizing others before they think to bully them.
5. Constant and unfounded criticisms
Insecure people tend to excel at hiding in plain sight and holding up a mirror to everyone except themselves. Because they have so many anxieties and (perceived) flaws that they think everyone else notices, they may decide to channel their frustrations outward by pointing out other people’s flaws. By criticizing whatever you do and making you second-guess your choices, they get to control the narrative and prevent you from noticing their own flaws.
6. Orchestrating unhappiness
Unfortunately, insecure people suffer from crippling feelings of inferiority. They may think that the only way for them to get noticed or feel better about themselves is by making other people feel worse. They’ll start drama, highlight every little mistake you make, and question your abilities. They’ll go to significant lengths to bring you down to their level by creating situations that leave you feeling unhappy, dissatisfied, and unsure of yourself.
7. Blaming everyone else for their mistakes
We all struggle with accepting some of our flaws, but insecure people have a harder time than most dealing with their faults and mistakes because in their minds, it reinforces the negative beliefs they have about themselves. To circumvent this, they’ll shift the blame to someone else. They didn’t take out the trash, it’s because you didn’t remind them. They didn’t do great on a project? It’s because their creativity and productivity are being blocked by other people.
8. Dressing up insults as innocent questions or suggestions
Another sneaky and insidious tactic that insecure people use to put others down is using comparisons and backhanded compliments as a tool for emotional control. The goal is to get you to subconsciously start seeking their approval and basing your self-esteem on their evaluation. If you’re not paying attention, you may think they’re just offering constructive criticism when they say you’ll look hotter if you lose weight or ask you to explain the thought process behind your outfit.
9. Belittling feelings and achievements
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Since an insecure person often feels like they’re not reaching their potential or that their feelings and achievements are not getting enough attention, they can easily become jealous of other people’s milestones. They think that if they validate your feelings and raise you up by praising your accomplishments, you may start acting superior or realize that you can do better. So, they’ll try to prevent this outcome by undermining your thoughts and successes to feel better about themselves.
10. Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation
There are so many forms that emotional manipulation can take. It can be your partner trying to socially isolate you by throwing a fit whenever you want to spend time with anyone besides or without them. It can be them making you feel guilty for expressing your needs or doing anything that makes them unhappy, even if your actions do not harm them in any way. They may even exploit your own fears to get you to change your mind or do what they want.
11. Meddling into any and everything
When people feel inadequate and riddled with self-doubt, they may become suspicious of the intentions and actions of everyone around them. To soothe these feelings, they may start crossing boundaries and intruding into all your affairs. When they see you texting, they want to know who is on the other end and what you’re talking about. You constantly have to prove that you’re not up to no good because they won’t give you the benefit of the doubt.
12. Refusing to see beyond their perspective
With insecure people, there may be no room for compromise or cooperation. It’s either their way or nothing. They won’t try to understand where you’re coming from or acknowledge that your feelings or opinions about an issue are valid. Only their desires and needs are important, and if anybody must adapt for the sake of continuing the relationship, it must be you.
13. Making you seem untrustworthy
You’ve never done anything to give your partner cause to suspect that you’re being unfaithful, yet they constantly accuse you of cheating or flirting with other people. You have to answer a thousand questions every time you want to hang out with a friend or even crack a smile while texting on your phone. You can show and tell them your love a dozen times a day and they’re still going to come seeking reassurance and complaining that you don’t really care about them.
14. Treating criticisms as personal attacks
Rather than listening when someone is talking about how their actions affected them, accepting the blame for mistakes, and apologizing or implementing change where necessary, insecure people take criticism very personally. They react defensively or even violently and make such a big deal of the issue that you end up feeling confused about the situation and unsure of your initial reaction. You might even start tiptoeing around their feelings and avoiding certain conversations so you don’t spark another outburst.
15. Acting jealous and possessive
Insecure people tend to think that your association with other people might jeopardize your relationship with them. This can make them take extreme measures to hold on to you, like micromanaging your interactions with other people, watching your every move, and limiting your personal space and freedoms. Mind you, this isn’t limited to romantic partners, an insecure friend or partner can also display these traits.
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