Childhood trauma has a huge impact on the victim, and the longevity of this impact is significant. Often, childhood trauma will follow you through all stages of your life, affecting you in different ways. Now that you’re an adult, you’re noticing some unhealthy relationship patterns emerging, and they could be a result of what you experienced as a child. Let’s look at some unhealthy relationship patterns you might repeat unknowingly because of how you were treated in your childhood.
1. Insecure attachment.
You might not realize it, but in every relationship you’ve had as an adult, the attachment has been insecure. This means you throw yourself into the relationship right from the beginning, quickly deciding to be with that person forever. This is because of your fear of being hurt and rejected again—you’ll overcompensate to avoid these feelings repeating.
2. Getting easily annoyed at your spouse.
If you grew up in a household where you were constantly judged and criticized for everything you did, you might bring this into your adult relationships. You might get irritated at everything your spouse does, even if it’s irrational. You’re projecting your trauma onto your spouse, but you’re also acting this way because this is your normal. You don’t know any different.
3. Fearing abandonment.
The fear of being abandoned is powerful. It can corrupt and sabotage our relationships as adults to the point where we would rather be alone than repeat the trauma of our past. You might have experienced this—when you first started dating as an adult, you experienced an overwhelming feeling that your partner would abandon you. It was so overwhelming that it was almost unbearable.
4. Needing lots of space.
If you grew up in an environment that presented a lot of chaos and unpredictability, you were probably in a constant state of fight or flight. This state constantly causes the body to produce high levels of cortisol, and it can get to a point where it’s continually being produced. You might need lots of downtime to cool off and calm down as an adult because you’re still in constant hypervigilance.
5. Imbalance of financial or household responsibilities.
This pattern can be repeated either way. Out of insecurity and a lack of self-worth, you might find yourself relying completely on your partner for emotional and financial support and leaving them to pick up the slack around the house, too. In contrast, your lack of trust might cause you to be reluctant to rely on them for these things, so you prefer to stay financially independent.
6. Settling for an unhealthy relationship.
If you’ve experienced childhood trauma, then your self-worth is probably pretty low. This might be why you have a pattern of settling in relationships that have lasted longer than they should have. You know deep down that the person is wrong for you, and you should move on, but you get in your own way. You’d rather be with the wrong person than be alone.
7. Constantly arguing with your spouse.
If you grew up in an environment constantly marred with conflict, then this is all you know of relationships. This is what your parents modeled, so you find yourself constantly picking fights with your spouse, even though you know they’re irrational a lot of the time. Perhaps you find yourself arguing over the most minute things, like whose turn it is to take out the trash, or why they took so long to get home from work.
8. Avoiding any type of conflict.
If you grew up witnessing a lot of fighting in the household, you might go in the opposite direction and avoid conflict as much as possible. You might lack communication with your partner because you would rather not talk to them than risk starting an argument.
9. Not being able to resolve issues.
In addition to not wanting to fight with your partner or fighting too much, you might not have the skill set to get past these fights and reconcile things in your relationship. Growing up, you never saw your parents resolve things amicably—they just went from one fight to the next. As a result, you don’t know what it looks like to respectfully communicate one another’s feelings and come to a healthy conclusion.
10. Being unwilling to commit.
If your childhood trauma tainted your outlook on relationships and marriage, then this might have caused you to have issues with commitment. The last thing you want is to repeat your parents’ mistakes, so the thought of committing to someone long-term is terrifying. For example, with the last person you dated, everything seemed to be going well until the third date. You were highly compatible, could talk for hours about nothing, and you felt in your gut they were trustworthy and loyal. On the third date, though, they asked if you wanted to make things official, and this caused you to clam up and close yourself off. As a result, you distanced yourself from them and stopped answering their text messages.
11. Trying to change your spouse.
As a child, you had no control over the trauma you were subjected to. Now, as an adult, you do have control over what happens to you to a certain extent, especially when choosing who you’re in a relationship with. However, one pattern you might have is trying to change your spouse—even though this isn’t reasonable, you need them to change to alleviate your fears of rejection in a relationship.
12. Sabotaging the relationship.
It’s very common for adults who were victims of childhood trauma to sabotage their relationships unknowingly. Perhaps you’ve done this in the past because you believe deep down that your partner will abandon you. You’re so scared of this that you hold on too tight and cause what you were scared of from the beginning: your partner distancing themselves and leaving you.
13. Being overly jealous.
Victims of childhood trauma have serious trust issues, especially in relationships. There can be a healthy level of jealousy in relationships, but if you’re constantly bringing this up to your spouse even when it’s unwarranted, it could be a pattern you’re repeating. From your spouse looking at someone’s Instagram profile, to pointing out someone they find attractive at the mall or in a movie, you can’t help but ruminate, and accuse your spouse of being unfaithful.
14. Holding things against your spouse.
It’s almost impossible to let go of traumatic memories, which is why it can be hard not to hold things against your spouse. You keep a record of their wrongs in case you need to use it against them at some point. You remember everything your spouse says and are quick to criticize your spouse in moments of irritation. For example, you get angry with them for forgetting to put the dishwasher on the night before, even though you’ve forgotten many times yourself.
15. Not being able to read people.
If your parents emotionally abused you, then you might find yourself struggling to read people. Your parent’s behavior was often confusing and unpredictable at times—with their words and facial expressions not matching up. Now that you’re an adult, you find it hard to read people and truly know their intentions. For example, if someone is complimenting you, but they’re frowning slightly, you’re automatically skeptical of what they’re saying.
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