So, you’re in a new relationship. Or you’ve been in one for a while and deep down, you know this isn’t it. But leaving is hard! You like them so much, or you just don’t want to be alone, and you wonder, “If I leave them, would I even be able to find someone else?” So instead of breaking up, you try to justify the relationship. Unfortunately, you do it by lying to yourself. Here are some of the lies we might use to justify our bad relationships:
1. “They’ll change.”
You should never bank a future with someone in the hope that they’ll change. If they’re toxic to you now, then the chances of them becoming better are slim. Do you really want to let them hurt you for years on end, just hanging on to the hope that one day it will stop? Or maybe they’re a good person, just not to your taste. You owe it to them to let them go. Let them be with someone who appreciates exactly the person they are. You’ve got a whole life to live—don’t waste any of it waiting on someone to change. You deserve better.
2. “[Insert annoying habit] isn’t that annoying…”
My mom always said, “The things that annoy you when you’re dating are the things that might land you on an ID documentary after 10 years of marriage.” You won’t suddenly stop noticing how your date chews with their mouth open and doesn’t tip. In reality, you’ll probably get more annoyed every day until you finally snap.
3. “No one needs to like them but me!”
Do you really feel that way? Are you actually willing to potentially lose lifelong friends over this month-long relationship? Are you really okay watching your friends cringe at your partner’s jokes at dinner every weekend (if you even get invited at all)? Romantic partners need to fit into your existing life, not become a whole new life. Your friends love you, and if they don’t like a partner, then at least think about the why behind that.
4. “They’ve grown up.”
Again, maybe. But probably not. Especially if you’ve last broken up a month ago. They didn’t change that fast. Look at their life. If they’ve grown up, their life will reflect that. Do they still have the same friends? Same habits? Do they still make the same inappropriate comments? If yes, they definitely have not grown up.
5. “Things will work themselves out.”
This almost never happens. You won’t just wake up one day with everything solved. And even if you could, how long would you be willing to wait for that? They won’t just decide to be a different person overnight. Please don’t wait. Don’t settle.
6. “We can work on it.”
Things don’t just “work out” in relationships—they take work. That’s normal…to an extent. But no one wants a relationship that’s all work. Do you want to spend every Thursday in couples counseling for the next two years? (You’ve only been together three months.) Relationships do take work, yes, but it shouldn’t be constant work. You deserve to be with someone you can just enjoy, too!
7. “I’m special.”
They cheated on their last three partners. So chances are, you’re not special. They’ll probably cheat on you, too. It’s not because you’re not wonderful. It’s because they’re trash. I am absolutely begging you, don’t think you’ll be the exception to their rule.
8. “Memaw would love them.”
Please, please take them to meet Memaw. Because Memaw has lived a long time, and she’ll see right through them. Memaw will likely be more than happy to share all her wisdom about what to look for in a partner. (Spoiler: this partner probably won’t meet her standards.)
9. “This time will be different.”
Probably not, love. If you’re both still the same people, then the relationship will likely run the same course. Also, consider the fact that if you’ve broken up three times in six months, maybe this just isn’t The One. Do yourself a favor and think hard before getting back together.
10. “Their ex is just [lying, bitter, jealous, etc].”
Maybe they’re bitter but is there also a chance that your partner might’ve done something to hurt or traumatize their ex? Naturally, you’ll want to trust your partner and believe the best about them, but if they’ve been showing red flags and describe their ex as crazy, or a liar? Then maybe your partner was the problem, not the ex!
11. “I can save them.”
I think you can do most things you set your mind to, but you can’t save them. Especially if they don’t want to be saved. You are amazing, but you’re no replacement for a lot of therapy and possibly even medication. In trying to save them, you’ll likely need to save yourself at the end of it. If someone needs “saving”, leave it to the pros.
12. “I can adjust my plans.”
Sure, you can. You can choose anything you want. But how long will that actually make you happy? A healthy relationship is about mutual support and compromise. A healthy partner won’t let you turn down that promotion, even if it means they’ll have to do more housework. Don’t give up your life for someone who holds you back, and wouldn’t give up their own plans for you.
13. “They can complete me.”
Oh, honey. They can’t. Do you know why? Because you’re already a whole, wonderful, complete person. You aren’t missing something that only they can provide. All this toxic relationship is going to do is make you a faded, sunken version of your incredible self. They won’t complete anything. You’re complete without them.
14. “I can be happy with them forever.”
It’s easy to think that right now, I know. New relationships always come with buckets of optimism. But picture 10 years down the road. This person hasn’t changed. Your friends still don’t like them. They still have the same awful habits. It didn’t “work itself out,” so you’re constantly working and living a second-choice life, isolated from your friends, with a person who continually hurts you. Not fun.
15. “It’s meant to be.”
Or maybe nothing is “meant to be.” Maybe our life is just made up of the choices we make. We choose our people and I know, deep down, you have the power to choose better for yourself. You may not believe it about yourself, but you can do this. You can choose to walk away from a relationship that hurts. You can choose someone who will make you genuinely happy. You can choose better. So I’m praying up the courage for you to do so.
If this relationship is causing you to feel unsafe, putting you in danger, or harming you, there is help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
16. Looking for love? Think it into existence.
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