I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve dated a dude who pretended to be super charming and romantic, only to find out he was solely interested in getting laid. However, I recently met a guy who told me straight up that he only wanted to hook up and to be honest, it was a total game-changer.
We hit it off but the clothes stayed on.
I wasn’t looking for a fling or one-night stand. Yes, we’d had a great first date, but I wanted to date the guy properly. He, on the other hand, kissed me passionately and then suggested we head back to his place. I turned him down, telling him I wasn’t looking for no strings—I wanted all the strings.
I expected the usual jerk play.
I thought he was going to be a big jerk just like so many other guys I’d dated. He’d probably continue dating me or texting me with one goal in mind: to get me into bed. He’d probably start inviting me to watch movies at his place instead of going out for dinner so that we’d be closer to his bedroom. Strangely enough, that’s not what happened at all.
He told me straight up.
During one of our long phone conversations, he told me that he thought we were on different pages. He wanted to have sex with me and I was clearly not into it. He didn’t want a relationship with me. That hurt but was also oddly refreshing. Here was a guy who wasn’t afraid to tell it like it is!
I’m seriously grateful for how he did it.
He didn’t tell me that I was so not his type, that I was too vanilla for him, or that I was a tease. He was honest but gentle. This approach made me feel like we were having a heart-to-heart chat. It showed me that although he was looking for sex, he wasn’t a sleazeball.
There was nothing to decode.
After that conversation, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I was so used to guys speaking in tongues and giving me mixed messages that it was weird to be handed the truth without even having to ask for it. Wow.
The rejection wore off fast.
When he first told me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with me, I did feel the bullet of rejection. I really liked this guy but because he was so open and honest, it was like ripping off a band-aid. The pain disappeared really quickly, unlike with other guys who’d told me complete BS about not being ready for commitment. Ugh.
I could actually relax and not stress about it.
Dating can be stressful, but since I knew exactly what this guy wanted from me, I could relax. I knew that we weren’t going to become anything ever and it freed us up to have a great friendship. That wouldn’t have been possible if he’d played me or tried to use me.
Friendships with crushes don’t have to be chaos.
It amazed me that we were able to be such great buddies. At first I thought I’d be jealous about other women he was with, but it was cool to realize that I didn’t actually care. Whenever he told me about women he was seeing or sleeping with, I knew that it didn’t matter because we’d tried and failed at our own romantic story.
He had dating drama of note.
The more I got to know him as a friend, the more I realized just how messed up he was when it came to dating. He’d start dating a woman and then suggest an open relationship out of nowhere. Yikes. He’d break up with women only to get back together with them weeks or months later. The dude was all over the place. It made me realize that even though he was honest, that didn’t make him great boyfriend material. He had dating issues and I was glad nothing romantic had happened between us. Still, I enjoyed having him in my life.
Sometimes we’d flirt but it was harmless.
There’s something really liberating about knowing exactly where I stand with a guy. I always used to joke with my friend that I wish guys were built with red or green lights on their foreheads so that if they looked at me and the light flashed green, I’d know they were keen on me! If it was red, then it was a no-go. This guy was sort of like those flashing lights—he flashed red and I could move on. During our friendship, sometimes we’d flirt with each other and once he even said, “Damn, maybe we should’ve dated all those years ago.” I knew it didn’t mean anything so I could enjoy the lightheartedness of it.
It’s made me a better dater.
And by “better” I mean that I’ve started treating myself better. This guy made me realize that I don’t have to deal with guys who give me mixed messages. If they don’t want to be open and honest, then I can straight up ask them what they want or just tell them what I’m looking for so they know they’re not going to get a one-night-stand from me. It’s made me so much happier by showing me that I don’t have to settle for crappy behavior.
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