When my ex-boyfriend used to initiate sex, I didn’t even know it was an option to say no. I mean, we were a couple, so he had every right to have sex with me whenever he wanted, right? Wrong! I’m only mad that it took me so long to realize that.
- It’s everything that’s wrong with gender roles in our society. We’re exposed to sexual imagery on the daily, and this makes us think that sex isn’t valuable and should come cheap. I highly doubt that women 50 or 60 years ago were as promiscuous as they are today. I understand that women enjoy sex too and I totally agree that we should be able to sleep with whoever we want, I just wonder sometimes whether it’s truly my authentic choice or if it’s just me trying to “fit in” to society by being that girl I see on billboards, TV, and in magazines.
- I had no reason to say no, so why would I? I mean, we were technically in a relationship, which means we trust each other. Plus, shouldn’t we ideally always want to be having sex with each other? That mindset meant that when my BF would initiate sex, I couldn’t just say, “No, I don’t feel like it.” That’s not what a perfect, happy couple does! I’ve now realized that I can say no without fear of ruining the relationship. It took many, many tries though.
- Just because I’m one half of a couple doesn’t mean my body is half his. It was hard to remember that it isn’t just his decision as to when and how many times we have sex. I would just agree to it every time because, well, why not? If I wasn’t feeling it, I would just hope that I would eventually get in the mood. After we broke up, it dawned on me that this body belongs to me and I don’t have to let someone have it just because I would feel bad for them if I said no.
- I said yes but my body said no. I felt so much pressure to say yes that even those times when I was insanely tired after working 12 hours or I was feeling bloated and yucky because I was on my period, I’d still say yes. Clearly, I was putting his needs before mine (which is so classic me). I’d try to enjoy it and I eventually did by the end, but it’s the fact that it came from a place of “doing him a favor” that left a bad taste in my mouth. Why didn’t I have the ovaries to say that I just wasn’t in the mood?
- I wanted to be a good girlfriend. Every girl hopes that they’re the “chill girlfriend” and that their boyfriend brags to his friends about how cool and easy-going she is. I was honestly scared a lot of the time that the relationship would end, so I did everything I could to be a “good girlfriend,” including saying yes to sex whenever he wanted it. That was obviously a mistake.
- I felt guilty if I didn’t do it. The guilt runs deep in me. I’m already so easily swayed by what other people think of me, all it takes is one look of disappointment from someone and I’ll do anything to make things right again. Even when I was a kid, it was really easy to make me feel bad about something I did wrong. Saying no to sex made me feel like a selfish, mean person. I still haven’t shaken this but I know I will eventually.
- I didn’t want to hurt his feelings at the time. My main reason for saying yes was that I didn’t want to make him upset. I mean, most guys should be used to rejection by the time they’re in their late twenties, but something in me knew that he wouldn’t be able to take it. He would often say that he never had much luck with girls and I guess I was trying to make him feel better about himself, like, “See, you got one girl! Yay!”
- I’ve realized that sex is far more valuable than I previously thought. This goes back to how the media portrays sex to us. We see on TV and movies that “good girls” comply and say yes and “crazy bitches” say no and storm out. Why can’t it be something in between? Why can’t women just feel confident in speaking up and saying we’re not feeling it without having to worry that our partners are going to freak out or pout like babies?
- Both people should say yes before moving forward. I’ve come to realize that the best sex is the kind where both people are excited to do it. I’m robbing both myself and my partner of a positive sexual experience when I just go along with it without checking in to see if I’m truly in the mood. It’s just not worth it otherwise.
