He Wanted To Date Me But Said He’d Never Marry Me — Wait, What?

I don’t see the point of having a relationship with someone if we’re not looking for anything long-term. It just feels like such a waste of time. In fact, I recently met a guy who was fine with keeping things chilled and living in the moment and it baffled me.

  1. I actually saw a future with him. From the first date with this guy, I thought we had long-term potential. We shared a lot of the same core values and we made each other laugh. But as time went by, something weird started happening.
  2. He never defined things. Defining the relationship is a vital part of the dating process, but this guy clearly didn’t get the memo. He never actually shared his feelings for me, which made me wonder if he even had any. By date number eight, I started to wonder if it was up to me to find out what was actually happening with us.
  3. I don’t usually do this. I’m not the type of person to approach the person I’m dating and ask them the dreaded “where are we going?” question. I hate that and would prefer if things naturally came up in conversation. I’d also prefer if the guy would initiate that conversation. Still, I realized if I didn’t do it, we would continue going with the flow and that’s not my style.
  4. He threw me for a loop. I thought he’d either say that he wanted a future with me or not, but he was somewhere in the middle. He told me, “I really like you and I want to continue dating you exclusively, but I don’t think we’ll ever get married.” Huh? Did that mean he was anti-marriage?
  5. He wasn’t anti-marriage, he just didn’t want it with me. He said he might get married someday, but just didn’t see anything long-term with me. I couldn’t believe it! Was he dumping me? I braced myself for a breakup—what else was supposed to happen after such a declaration, after all?—but it never came.
  6. He wanted to continue dating me. I took some space from the guy after his confession, expecting a breakup via text or that we’d just fade out of each other’s lives, but then he called me to find out why I was being so quiet. Really? He said that he didn’t want to end things. We would never get married and/or have kids someday, but that didn’t mean we had to break up, according to him.
  7. Wait, what? Basically, we could continue going with the flow and enjoying a relationship without actually working towards anything. Usually that’s called not having high expectations from a relationship and it can work, but only if there’s still a chance that there’s a future for the relationship. Otherwise, what the hell is the point of it?
  8. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t go with the flow with this guy indefinitely, as though we were just floating around for a while together. It gives me too much anxiety because it’s like being in relationship purgatory with no end in sight. I like to work towards a future with someone, otherwise, I feel like we’re both just wasting our time until we meet the people we’re supposed to be with.
  9. I was tempted to stay with him. Even though I was against his idea, I liked the guy so much that I was tempted to continue as we had been, enjoying a happy relationship without stress or concerns about the future. A part of me wondered if it was better to just live in the moment and enjoy what was going on. Who knew what the future held anyway, right?
  10. I knew I had to move on. In spite of my temptation, there was still a bigger part of me that wasn’t able to switch off the future. It boiled down to relationship goals. He wanted something laid-back and chilled, whereas I wanted something real and serious that could still be fun. Our relationship goals were seriously out of sync so I thought it was best to move on and find someone who wanted the same things. I knew in my gut that I’d never be happy. I’m not someone to just hang out and be laid-back indefinitely, so why would I put myself through that?
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.