It almost feels a little too good to be true when you meet a guy who’s totally on your wavelength. He totally understands why you’re frustrated with looking for love, especially given how his fellow men act. He hates how his gender treats women and he would never be like that. Great, right? Probably not. Sounds like you’ve got a pick me boy on your hands.
The definition of a pick me boy
In essence, a pick me boy is a guy who picks up women by acting like and/or insisting that he’s “not like other guys.” Aware that many women have had negative experiences with men who cheat, lie, are commitment-phobes, etc., he will claim he’s nothing like that. Instead, he will try to convince women that he’s the ideal and perfect boyfriend.
The problem, of course, is that most of everything a pick me boy says is complete and utter garbage. He’s deliberately playing on women’s fears and despair about relationships to get them on his side. Needless to say, it’s incredibly toxic.
Traits guys like this have
- They pretend to be feminists. You know you’re dealing with a pick me boy when he spouts off about how much he supports women’s right to choose and hates the gender pay gap. He says all the right things that would indicate that he’s a feminist, but sometimes you feel like he’s absolutely full of it. He’s a little too enlightened, it seems. It’s almost like he’s being fake as hell.
- They’re purposely self-deprecating as a way of fishing for compliments. He often says how most women don’t like him because he’s “too sensitive” or how he has a hard time competing in the dating world because he’s not buff and good-looking like other men. The weird thing is, none of his behaviors seem to mirror those statements. In fact, he actually seems overly confident and his sensitive side is nothing more than a front.
- They’re easily intimidated by more confident guys. This fits perfectly into a pick me boy’s routine of pretending that he lacks confidence. However, his intimidation around “normal” guys is more about the fact that they’re being genuine and finding success with women that way while he has to fake it.
- They’re extra clingy. Because he wants you to believe that he struggles with self-confidence and that he’s been so hard done by as a super sensitive guy in the big mean world, he sticks to you like glue. He texts constantly, calls if you don’t message back, and wants to hang out 24/7. He might even love bomb you early on as a way of “proving” how ready he is for a relationship.
More qualities to look out for
- They’re manipulative and emotionally abusive. A pick me boy’s antics aren’t all innocent. In fact, they’re downright abusive at times. For example, he will have no problem guilt-tripping you to get his own way or creating a fake sob story so that you feel bad enough to do something you don’t want to do. I mean, poor him, right? Elaine Parker, a relationship expert and CEO of SaferDate, explained to Refinery 29 how this works. “Many people will try to alter their personality in order to feed their desire to be accepted and remain in social situations, particularly when it comes to dating. ‘Pick mes’, however, often use emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping to get their way and control the situation.”
- They’re always putting other guys down. He’s so evolved and intelligent that every other man pales in comparison. They’re all dumb, misogynistic liars who aren’t worthy of women at all. They think that by highlighting men’s wrongdoings, their own will be hidden. The sad thing is it actually works for a while.
- They constantly ask for reassurance. Is he being needy? Do you like him? Is he the kind of guy you always wished you’d meet? Do you like being with him? Prepare to be bombarded with questions like this when dating these guys because they’ll be neverending.
- They’re self-righteous about being “different.” It’s literally all they ever talk about. They have a serious sense of superiority about how “different” they are and they don’t plan on shutting up about it anytime soon.
- Their true selves come out when you figure out their game. The thing about pick me boys is that they do not handle rejection well. If you don’t fall prey to their charms or you happen to figure out their lies, they flip. They resort to misogynistic insults, criticize your appearance, and become overly aggressive. In other words, they become like “most other guys” they swore they were nothing like.
The differences between a pick me boy and a pick me girl
While the aim of both pick me boys and pick me girls is the same — to endear themselves to the opposite sex — their methods of getting there are usually different. Pick me girls tend to change their behaviors to act the way they think men want them to act, thereby making themselves more attractive. Men, on the other hand, try to differentiate themselves by belittling and hating on other men while acting no different than them in reality. For men and women, this is dysfunctional, toxic, and a total mess.