“Where Is This Going?”: 9 Reasons To Have The Relationship Talk Now

Most people will avoid having the relationship talk at all costs, but it’s the only discussion that matters, really. In recent years, questioning what you are to the person you’re seeing has been discouraged, and women have been urged to forget the idea altogether, as if asking a guy to define your relationship will immediately send him running in the opposite direction.

I’m calling BS.It’s so much worse to have an intimate relationship go completely undefined for a prolonged period of time than it is to actually talk to make sure you’re on the same page. When did it become so nuts to communicate and share how we are feeling and what we want? Screw scare tactics. Here are 9 reasons why it’s time for you to speak up and ask him: “Where is this going?”

  1. Keeping it casual only works for so long. While I hate (and I mean hate!) the term “catching feelings”, it is the most appropriate for this situation. There’s a finite amount of time you can spend hanging out with him and being intimate either physically or emotionally (or both) until one of you develops real feelings for the other. Though you can try to deny or hide them, it won’t work.
  2. If you act like you don’t care, he won’t care. Insert cliché here: actions speak louder than words. If you act like you don’t care and want to keep your relationship casual out of a fear of sending him packing, you’re actually doing the opposite. Insert second cliché here: men aren’t mind readers. If you’re not verbally communicating that you want to move forward to the next step in your relationship and your actions say the same, he won’t think you want anything more. As soon as he thinks you aren’t invested in a more serious relationship, he won’t be either – and neither of you benefits from that.
  3. The anxiety of the unknown is worse than any negative outcome. You know how you dread something before it happens, only to realize afterwards that it wasn’t so bad after all and you don’t know why you were so afraid? Talking about your relationship status fits the bill. You can psych yourself out by speculating on all the things he might say, but you’ll never  actually know unless you TALK. Of course, not every DTR conversation will have your desired outcome, but trust that you’re equipped to deal with any answer you receive. Then you’ll have the knowledge to make a choice about how and if you want to remain with this person in any capacity.
  4. The longer you wait to talk, the harder it will be. The longer you continue in this undefined territory, the more difficult it will be to start the conversation or move out of this nebulous faux relationship situation. There’s never a perfect time. There are two times, right now and later. It’s highly unlikely that prolonging this conversation will have any effect on the result, so why keep wasting your time?
  5. Practice makes perfect. Well, not perfect, but saying practice will make you more comfortable doesn’t have the same ring to it. The more you practice communicating what you want and need to your partners, the more comfortable you will be having this conversation and any other difficult conversation. While it may sound in your head like you’re using the voice changing device from Scream and giving him an ultimatum, the more you do this, the more you’ll realize it’s the adult thing to do, and it’s completely reasonable to want to have this discussion.
  6. You deserve to be with someone who knows he wants to be with you. If you want a relationship but your partner just wants to keep “hanging out” and doesn’t want anything serious, you deserve to know. If he isn’t sure, you know he’s not the guy for you, because the guy that is will know immediately and will jump at the chance to tell you when he’s asked.
  7. You don’t want to waste your time. Your biological clock may or may not be ticking yet, but regardless of that, you don’t want to waste your time with anyone who is only into you for the short term. Most relationships won’t work out at the end of the day, but if you’re stuck spending time with someone you know it won’t work with, you might miss out on the person it will work with.
  8. Regardless of how much you try to convince yourself you don’t care, you do. As women in 2015, we like to pretend like we’re so evolved sexually and emotionally that we can have these faux relationships without commitment or attachment. Well, we can, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t shoving our feelings down into the deepest parts of ourselves. Embrace the fact that you care. You’re human and if he doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him, better to find out sooner than later.
  9. No risk, no reward. In all honesty, you’re taking a 50/50 risk when you start this conversation. The odds aren’t horrible, but they aren’t great, either. If you don’t initiate this conversation, it’s unlikely he will, and you’ll drive yourself nuts with the “what if”s.  There’s never a reward without a risk. It may take a few unrewarded risks to get there but once you do, the reward will be worth it.
Abby Stern grew up in New Orleans and is now an actress, screenwriter, and blogger (who isn't?) trying to keep it real in Los Angeles. She also writes for FabFitFun and contributes to various blogs detailing her unique perspective on dating and twenty-something life in Hollywood. Gwyneth Paltrow is her spirit animal and in her free time, Abby enjoys Bellinis and plotting to steal unattended Birkin bags. Follow her on Twitter: @abbystern