I don’t necessarily consider myself a cynic in life or love, but I do struggle sometimes to believe that there are good guys out there and that I have a chance of finding one. I know they exist and that there’s no reason I can’t have one in my life but here’s why it’s so hard for me to keep the faith in the opposite sex.
Many of their reactions when they find out how I feel kinda says it all. Sure, I imagine it must suck to hear that a woman doubts the existence of good men if you are indeed a good man, but the reactions I get kinda just prove my point. I’ve had guys call me a bitch, tell me that I’m too ugly/slutty/whatever for “good” guys, insist that women aren’t worth it anyway, etc. This doesn’t do much to restore my faith in love.
I’ve tried dating guys from every walk of life and more often than not, they’re all the same. Yes, I know no two human beings are exactly the same but the patterns most of the guys I’ve dated display have been pretty much identical. They’re either cheaters, liars, commitment-phobes, or looking for a replacement mother. Finding an equal shouldn’t be this hard but it feels downright impossible.
Toxic masculinity is way too prevalent. It’s not like I expect to find a partner who wants to braid my hair and go shopping with me, but one that doesn’t see opening up about his feelings as an assault on his manhood would be a nice start. For some reason, a lot of guys seem to think that women exist to please them and that those of us who speak up about our wants and needs and who hold them to any level of standards are any number of offensive expletives not suitable for print. What gives?
If I’m not putting out, they’re not really interested. I know sex is important and I enjoy it as much as anyone, but why is it that if I haven’t slept with a guy after a couple of dates, his texts start slowing down or stop altogether and suddenly he’s “too busy” to hang out? Why is it that a guy seems totally into me on the first date or two but when it comes up in conversation that I’m only down with sleeping with a guy I’m in an actual relationship with, they’re suddenly “just looking to have fun”? It’s discouraging, to say the least.
So many of them really seem to struggle to control their impulses. Again, I know “not all men” and all that, but of my four serious relationships, three of them have cheated on me and I suspect the fourth did too (I just couldn’t prove it). The excuses I got when confronting and ultimately dumping them ranged from being drunk to simply being weak. After all, guys think with their penises, right? We couldn’t possibly expect them to keep it in their pants and remain faithful in a relationship, right? Ugh.
A lot of them don’t understand, nor do they care to understand, the female experience. Guys are lucky to live in a bit of a bubble. Generally speaking, the world favors their thoughts, feelings, opinions, work, and everything else over that of a woman. The fact that they can go out alone at night and not worry while we look over our shoulders and keep our keys between our fingers when walking to our car in case we’re attacked kinda says it all. A lot of guys really aren’t concerned with women’s experience in the world or how they can make it better, and it’s hard to imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give a damn about you.
Donald Trump is president. I know that 47% of white women voted for President Cheeto, but the overwhelming majority of MAGA supporters are also MRA dudes and that’s pretty discouraging. If you can vote someone into office when you know how he talks about and treats women, sorry, but you’re not a good guy. Also, if you think some questionable emailing disqualifies someone from holding office but sexual harassment and assault, shady business dealings, racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. don’t, I think that speaks for itself.
None of them have proven me wrong just yet. I know there are some great guys out there—I have several in my life as friends and family members—but I’ve yet to find one in my dating life. I may not have faith in men, but I’m trying to have faith in the universe that if I just keep going, a guy will come along that will challenge all these negative beliefs. Here’s hoping, anyway.