Narcissists will fool you into thinking they’re warm, engaging, and caring so it’s easier for them to control you. Their charm is a facade, hiding their dangerous and manipulative traits that can wreck your relationships and damage your self-esteem. Here are 15 things narcissists do that make them charming (but also toxic).
1. They flatter you to make you fall for them.
When you meet a narcissist, they’ll be full of praise and compliments. They’ll love everything about you and make you feel like the most special person in the room. This love-bombing behavior is done so that you feel drawn to them. They’re manipulating you into thinking that they genuinely like you when they actually want to control you. They want you to drop your guard and let them into your life.
2. They give you attention to make you feel worthy.
Narcissists are drawn to people who have insecurities or low self-esteem. Why? Because that leaves room for them to charm you with their act and make you feel special. They might want to be around you 24-7 or call you multiple times in the day to make it seem like they care about you. But, they’re trying to get you to like them by boosting your self-worth, which just makes you more dependent on their attention.
3. They’re charming because they want to be seen as superior.
Because narcissists have a superiority complex, they work hard to come across as warm and engaging. They use fake niceness to demonstrate that they are better or more capable than others, reinforcing their belief in their own superiority. In addition, they’re concerned with their public image. When they’re nice, they appear more respectable, which enhances their reputation and helps them hide their manipulative traits.
4. They want to be seen as popular.
Another reason why narcissists will try to be the most charming person in the room is to make you think they’re popular and loved by many. They think this will make them more attractive to you. But when you dig deeper into their lives, you’ll see that their charm is superficial and they don’t have a lot of friends or people who genuinely like them because they’re so toxic.
5. They make you feel like you’re meant to be together.
When you get to know a narcissist, they’ll tell you that you’re “destined to be together” or that you’re soulmates. It might feel surprising (or a bit creepy) if you’ve only been on a few dates with them, but they’ll try to rush you into a relationship to create a fairytale-like relationship that makes you fall in love with them faster. There’s no genuine feeling in what they say—it’s all manipulation to impress you.
6. They secretly want to dominate conversations.
Although a narcissist will try to be a charming conversationalist, this hides their real motive of wanting to control the conversation. This is why they’ll interrupt you with their witty or interesting stories, or try to make you feel like they always have the most amazing anecdotes to share. It makes them feel superior so they can dominate the relationship while trashing your confidence.
7. They use fake charm to distract you.
Narcissists throw on the charm to avoid taking accountability for their bad behavior. For example, if you catch them in a lie, they’ll crack a joke to make you laugh and forget about it. Or, if you’re upset with them, they’ll bring you flowers or plan a surprise romantic dinner to distract you from your anger. They’re dishonest, hoping to fool you with their endearing personality that’s just hiding their manipulative motives.
8. They use charm to gain your approval.
Although narcissists seem confident, they have a deep-seated fear of rejection. They crave your praise and attention to boost their ego. A common tactic to get your approval is by saying self-deprecating statements. For example, they might say, “I’m so bad at dealing with stress” in an endearing or vulnerable way so that you compliment their strengths. Or, they might say, “My forehead is too big for my face” in the hope that you’ll compliment their physical appearance.
9. They charm you to gain your sympathy.
Narcissists usually play the victim to elicit sympathy and manipulate others. By appearing vulnerable, they can motivate you to cater to their needs, thereby gaining control over you. For instance, they might claim that they miss you terribly and can’t bear to be without you, prompting you to cancel plans with friends to stay with them. Their charm convinces you to prioritize them over other aspects of your life.
10. They charm you to guilt-trip you.
Guilt-tripping is a common manipulative tactic used by narcissists to get what they want from you—and they’ll use their fake charm to achieve it. For example, they’ll wine and dine you and then expect you to give them something in return. They might say, “I do so much for you” to make you feel guilty for times when you’re not available to them. Or, they might say, “I thought you cared about me” so that you feel like they’re doing more in the relationship than you are.
11. They use charm as a way to mirror you.
Charming narcissists will try to copy your actions, interests, and body language to create a feeling that you’re both on the same page. If you mention enjoying a specific book, song, or activity, they’ll claim that they love it too. This creates a connection between you that they can leverage to gain control over you. Mirroring also allows narcissists to gather information about you, such as when it comes to your strengths, interests, and desires. This can be used against you in manipulative ways.
12. They use charm to make you dependent on them.
If you’re in need and you call the narcissist in your life, you might find that they’re quick to rush to your aid. How sweet and charming, right? Wrong! It’s all an act—they go the extra mile for you so you feel more dependent on them. They want to be the only person you turn to so that they can feel even more in control of the relationship.
13. They say that you’re both special to isolate you.
Narcissists create a false sense of connection by telling you that both of you are unique and superior to others. Initially, this might seem like genuine admiration, but it’s a manipulation tactic. They might say things like, “No one else understands you as I do” or “We’re a team against the world.” The narcissist’s primary goals are to make you dependent on them and isolate you from those who genuinely care about you.
14. They use charm to win over your loved ones.
When a narcissist meets your family and friends, they’ll become the most captivating person in the room. This is a strategic move to impress your loved ones and gain influence over your life. By winning them over, such as with extravagant praise, the narcissist sets the stage to manipulate your relationships, making you feel inferior and excluded. Recognizing this behavior can help you to protect your self-esteem and maintain healthy boundaries.
15. They’re empathetic…but only to learn about your dirty secrets.
A narcissist will be an empathetic listener, making you feel like you can trust them and share your insecurities and fears. But, they’re doing this to gain information about your life so they can later manipulate you. For example, if you do something to hurt them, they’ll threaten to expose your secrets or failures to your loved ones. By being an active listener with an endearing, charming nature, they can fool you into thinking they’re safe—but they’re not.
