If You Have To Work So Hard To Be With Him, He’s Not The One

Every relationship takes work, but the key is that you’ve got to BOTH be putting in the effort for it to be a good one. If you find you’re the one being saddled with all the work, it’s time to face the fact that he’s obviously not the guy for you. Harsh, but it really is that simple.

  1. You don’t need to be tired. Feeling constantly exhausted in a relationship is not a good sign. You should be able to give and take in equal measure in a relationship. If you’re worn down from giving all the effort, all the time, maybe you’re working too hard. “Isn’t that what true love is about?” you may wonder. Yes, effort is needed, but not at the expense of your happiness.
  2. Relationships need balance. When you’re shouldering more than your fair share, you’re not in a relationship – you’re in a one-sided emotional battlefield, taking all the hits and making all the sacrifices. You need an equal playing field. True love doesn’t mean making yourself a martyr.
  3. If he makes you jump through hoops, stop leaping. Sacrificing some things for the sake of love is a noble idea, but in practice, it’s not as pretty. If another he wants you to jump every day, stop asking “how high” and start heading for the door. These aren’t normal conditions that you should put up with. He’s asking far too much.
  4. He’s not doing you a favor by being with you. You shouldn’t ever put up with someone who makes you feel that way. You’re not doing him a favor either because that’s not how healthy relationships work! You should be equally committed to the idea of making it work. An imbalance in that commitment is setting you on a fundamentally unhealthy course.
  5. This may what you’re used to, but that doesn’t make it right. You don’t need to stay in a relationship that wears you down just because it’s what you’re used to by now. Working this hard isn’t virtuous on its own merits – it just means you’re running yourself ragged to keep him when you could be getting ready to leave him.
  6. You can’t keep up this pace forever. As mentioned, you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re racing to keep him. There will always be an element of work in any relationship, but getting sick over how hard you have to work to keep him in your life isn’t worth the effort. There’s normal, and then there’s demanding. If you take the time to listen to yourself, you probably already know the truth.
  7. If you’re not happy, how can he be? If you’re feeling drained, overwhelmed and generally miserable in a relationship, it’s not likely that he’s feeling on top of the world. Either he’s equally as unhappy as you are because your relationship is so unbalanced or, if he is happy, he’s a total a-hole and clearly doesn’t care about you. Which is worse?
  8. The bad times are never supposed to outweigh the good. Yes, every relationship has its issues, but not THAT many. If you’re struggling to fix things more than you’re enjoying a great relationship with an amazing guy, there’s a serious issue. What are you working so hard for, exactly? Clearly nothing that’s worth your time.
  9. If he was really meant for you, you wouldn’t need to work this hard. That’s what it ultimately boils down to. No one is saying love should always be easy, breezy, and magical. Relationships can get gritty in the day-to-day. But you can’t let yourself be ground down to dust in order to keep a man around. Remember that you’re worth effort, too, and anyone worth yours will work just as hard to keep you in their life as you do to keep them in yours.
Becca Rose is a writer with high hopes for her student loan debt. She's a musician and aspiring novelist, but don't ask her to write poetry, because she's terrible at it. She has written for HelloGiggles, The Toast, The Huffington Post, and more. You can find her on Twitter @bookbeaut